Cigarettes stunted on wildflowers,
Sizzling under evening showers,
Rested under a oldfangled tower,
Stunk with a smell ever so rotting and sour
Accompanied by a hardy boy,
Hiding a bitter but sweet joy
Whispering of freedom and regrets,
A face drenched with tears and sweat
In his pockets roll two haunted eyes,
A reflection of a father's revolting lies
He runs from the edge of the earth,
Passing through the threshold of rebirth.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi! Here to make a review!
Before I get into details, I just wanted to point out the title. “The tower” is not such a fitting title for this poem. Well afterwards, it may be just a metaphor for something else- but if it is, I don’t know what. I also don’t understand the use of that first stanza. Maybe to set the setting or give a little description of surroundings to put us into the mood of your poem. I’m not quite sure what your aim was with that first part; but when I read that I thought the next stanzas would all be the same. So yeah, compared to the other stanzas, the first one is quite different. The last bits are nice, and the whole plot unfolds slowly but surely. I wasn’t disappointed in reading the end. Maybe a bit of the thoughts in the protagonists’ head would’ve been nice, but I think the whole idea behind your poem is stark description- so thoughts would’ve sticked out as a sore thumb. So yeah, nice poem overall.
When I was reading this, it came into my head that this could be an amazing song if it was lengthened. I really do think that this is amazing. I love the rhythm, the tune it created in my head and how it brought me into the poem with every word.
As always the punctuation may be a little off but apart from that I love it.
Keep writing!!
thank you
This is dark and interesting. Only thing i am confused on is the title. I don't feel The Tower fits for its tittle. Beyond that you have deep imagery and great descriptions. The message of darkness is great and clear.
Your writing is good but there is always room to get better no matter how good it is.
Always look at what you have and reread. Thats where my biggest issues lie, I don't want to reread anything because i want it to be perfect on my very first draft.
This piece is very intriguing. I hope i have said useful stuff
I agree, I couldn't think of a good name lol
thier is nothing wrong with this its abosulty perfect , the words you use are formidable you created a tower around you its dark and compelling but sure I am in a dark place right now and probably not the best thig to read but it is so addictive especialy this line " in his pockets roll two haunted eyes , a reflection of a fathers revolting lies" I mean what a sentence , what astanza it is just brilliant to see you do such amazing things which words that are normal to us I am astonished and I hope this gets featured on the spotlight becuase it is so great I am lost for words now but it is really effective congrats
seeking the truth
thier is nothing wrong with this its abosulty perfect , the words you use are formidable you created a tower around you its dark and compelling but sure I am in a dark place right now and probably not the best thig to read but it is so addictive especialy this line " in his pockets roll two haunted eyes , a reflection of a fathers revolting lies" I mean what a sentence , what astanza it is just brilliant to see you do such amazing things which words that are normal to us I am astonished and I hope this gets featured on the spotlight becuase it is so great I am lost for words now but it is really effective congrats
seeking the truth
Hello demoncat here for a review.
And I must say wow! This is so cool. I love the overall feeling you have with this poem. It's amazing. And i really can't find anything to really critic either seeing as it is so good. I really and truly love this! And I hope you write more soon because I WILL DEFINITELY read it. This is awesome! You go! Woo!
This is pretty dark, but in a good way. It's compelling; I'm not sure what's happened, I'm not sure I want to know, but I read the poem over three times anyway.
It's weirdly captivating. Sometimes the beat feels a little off, but that makes it more memorable, somehow. On the one hand, the beat feels wrong, but then you read it over again, and it feels right.
Looking back, that sentence made zero sense.
Anyway, the only thing that I really think needs any work here is the rhyming--some of it felt a little off. But I get that there's only so much that you can do with rhyming to still get the effect that you want.
Overall, I think this is a real piece of art. I'm glad I got to read it.
Hiii Anamel! I thought of reviewing it earlier, but I was busy. Now, finally I got time to write this review.
Ok let's start. This is a nicely written poetry . The imagery is really good. I was able to see a boy sitting under a tower in my mind's eye. Your word choice is fantastic! The flow was amazing , the words were flowing like river water. Sometimes the rhyme scheme seemed a bit off. But overall it's nice.
Keep it up!