Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
die bitch :p
I melt into oblivion and a sunday or two
With a cherry on top and vanilla ice
I can feel their eyes and how they lick their lips
Because I’m alone without silverware
Their plastic spoons gather on my table
And I’d love to believe that a bullet in their back
Can be as cold and rough as my ice exterior
And if I were a man
Blood would become my new syrup
But it doesn’t really matter
I’m a walking conquest, simply a body and face
With this same coldness and their scattered fantasy
Of melting and falling apart in a boy’s mouth
Yet all that remains is this coldness
That sends shivers down your body
If you linger too close
You freeze
You’re just another bitch to me
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Wow -- that's all I can say when reading through this for the first time. This is such a powerful poem, which I actually think works well with the fact that the title itself seems to be so ironically comical, and almost.. funny, in a contradictory way.
The vocabulary you chose to use to evoke emotion really emphasized the feelings of tension and anger that the speaker is feeling. "Blood would become my new syrup" and "You're just another bitch to me" are probably my favorites out of the entire piece. As a side note, I think that the introduction to the poem ("cherry on top and vanilla ice") caught my attention right off the bat.
In terms of structure, I thought it was interesting that the first stanza is the longest, and the second and third get shorter and shorter. It's kind fo like we're following the train of thought of a speaker who is unstable and their thought processes diminish over time as the anger starts to take over -- which is paralleled wonderfully in the last stanza, which is incredibly jarring and intense.
I honestly don't have many suggestions for this piece; it was very impressively written and I loved it from beginning to end. If I were to change one thing, I would add a little bit more of a personal note -- more "you"/second person lines would give us more insight into who's on the receiving end on this poem and why they're on the receiving end.
Great job and write on! ♡
Thank you
Hello! Rin321 here to review; Happy review day!
Okay, so this poem is very interesting to say the least, haha. I'm right to assume the narrator is ice cream, right? I didn't know ice cream could be so sassy! 0.0 Lesson learned!
All joking aside, there's a thing or two I want to mention as far as 'fixes' i guess you can call it go:
There is no punctuation in this poem, and though it is a style choice as far as poetry goes, I believe adding it where appropriate would make the poem clearer! It is up to you and you can definitely ignore this, but that's just my opinion, I find poetry without any or much punctuation can be hard to sort while you read it because the pauses and separation between the ideas and phrases make a difference in how the poem's message is being portrayed!
"I melt into oblivion and a sunday or two
This line was just really confusing to me, I don't know why, I understand the concept of this poem is about ice cream (if I'm right, I could be wrong and have misread this WHOLE poem which would be embarrassing) and so an ice cream sunday, but that inclusion with melting into oblivion is confusing to me. Maybe if you could explain it to me if I just missed something that would help, but that was just the only line that stumped me lol
Great poem, it was pretty funny and the last line caught be for a loop!
Keep writing!
~Rin
The first line popped up into my mind randomly and that's kind of what set off the entire poem, I didn't have a whole awareness of what it meant either but I suppose it would be me, a person, becoming absolute nothingness and morphing into 'icecream, aka a sunday like those icecream sundays'
ah, okay!
Hello! Here to review your poem!
_
Your poem goes really deep in a way that leads the imagination wild. What I mean by that is, you have to visualize what you are talking about to really get the whole story. Which is really nice to see since I've never read a poem/story like that before. And with the detail, oh man. You really go deep by describing what you're feeling throughout, making the emotion strong. More with the emotions -- I can really tell everything you or the narrator was feeling. Really fabulous job.
I like that there is no back story to it, even though I know that is how poems work. However, it is really nice for something like this. It works with anyone's life and what they are going through. Making it able to be related to anything. To be honest, that is pretty hard to do. Most people when they write poems or any other piece of writing it has to do with there life specifically and isn't as relatable. Really great job! I can't wait to read more of your work!
Keep up the amazing work!
_ From your friend,
@PlainandSimple
Thank you