Young Writers Society

Yolo peoples!!!!!!!LadyRanicorn here for ANOTHER amazing review!!!!!! So first things first, why do you always have to make me cry???? Not in a bad way, I always cry when something that I read is amazing... But why?!?!?!?!?! I absolutely LOVE the topics that you got going here in this series, I love it!!!!! The whole rocky mental state, me all the way!!!XD I really liked how you described the inside of the senile's mind as a "fluster of disoriented colors" it really helps open up the readers mind of descriptive imagery. Not that my mind needed opening up...XD I also enjoyed how you showed that she could go bad, like sugar. I liked how you described her mental state to sugar, sugar is good... Anyway, until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!!!

I was going to write you a review, but all I have to say is that I love this.

~ Summer

Hello, here for

I like the idea you have going on here. It does have that sorta "bittersweet" feeling to it and kinda reminds me of a ghost of a girl who tried to love. You seem to have a nice beginning and a lovely description. However, I feel it confused me in the worst way. Like, I have two sides to how I feel about the beginning. At one side, it feels like you could make some changes while the other side is filled with confusion. I'm walking across a tightrope.

Your third line in the beginning doesn't fit the whole stanza. It seems to be like a rock in the middle of the sea- the waning tide will pull it in. In other words, try adding some different words that'll connect it together. Like a bridge. What I feel about it is some sort of 'sweet' thing with the third line, so perhaps have something dealing with ice cream or something.

As the reviewer said below me, the sudden to change to first person at the last stanza is a bit sudden. It seems almost like a brick wall in the middle of the road. If you write a poem, consist a certain theme or idea. A thought, perhaps. A pure suggestion: when writing a poem, read it aloud. See what words roll off the tongue or what words are strung together to make a certain rhyming pattern.

Overall, I certainly liked this idea and hopefully get to see more from you in the future.

Steggy

Hey, AliceAfternoon.

Her footsteps are slow and heavy.
Her mind is a fluster of disoriented colors,
and she moves as if she is deep in custard.

Her eyes are glazed in icing.
Around her is a flurry of reality,
a confusing sight, indeed.

I am made of sugar,
of the sweetest kind, but
sugar goes bittersweet over time.

This is a really good start. I personally really like this because of what you are trying to describe. There is some subconscious rhyming and I like it, even though this doesn't have a significant rhyming pattern.

My favorite stanza was "I am made of sugar, of the sweetest kind, but sugar goes bittersweet over time." This is very true and the subconscious rhyming right here is really good.

The stanza "Her mind is a fluster of disoriented colors, and she moves as if she is deep in custard. Her footsteps are slow and heavy." has a lot of imagery. I could see this as if I was in the same room with the person you are talking about. I can see the dragging of their footsteps and how they are so sluggish.

Overall very good job. I usually recommend adding more to poetry just because I prefer longer poetry, but this doesn't really need to be lengthened at all.