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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
I am on board with the first two. I heard from someone that haikus should do this thing where they give you an image, and then a twist, and your first two do that well and subtly. You don't give us whiplash, but you don't leave us thinking we're feeling in a straight line, either. I think the second almost steps over the line, but doesn't, as is the best of the bunch of its intensity there. I love just imagining what it could possibly mean, the images it gives me. The first is a little weaker because its imagery is a little weaker, but I like it just the same. I love the movement of clouds in the sky.
So now for the last two. I don't like the third because it is too linear. It feels logical that someone would get a chill at realizing the overgrown field before them once held a bloody battle. I don't see any twist there, and because there's no secretly packed punch, it can't even function as a short, straight-forward poem. It evokes nothing new.
The last falls prey to a similar fault, but I think there was success in the attempt here, however unmoving. Like, I get it: it's a cute kitty, and the "so close, yet so far" rings of a far-off, more epic battle. But I'm not engaged by the image in the first place. Is it because I'm a cat person? Because kittens in literary works are often used just to be cute and sympathetic? Whatever the reason, the cuteness of comparing a baby cat to an epic battle makes the last poem seem ridiculous. Of course, that's fine if you want a ridiculous poem, but I didn't like it after the two fulfilling ones at the top.
PM me if you have questions or comments.
Thank you, Green Knight.
You seem to have the prose of the poem's reasonably well rounded, i would personally say that the content is the stumbling.The third work is the strongest of the four , the content seems to be the most unique,and thought provoking.The second is also chilling?Almost seeming like a threat,in a good way.
"Aimless clouds pass by / driven only by the wind; / we too are dream-walkers" For me, the last line seems strange. It doesn't quite seem to fit due to who 'we' are and why it matters that we are dream-walkers. I like the imagery of the first part of the poem.
"Do sheep at the slaughter / miss their lambs? / I almost loved you once." Similar to the first one, The last line seems a little out of place for me. I would expect a comment about the slaughtered sheep instead of some personal thing. It is a great question in the first part of the poem.
"A sudden chill; / an old battlefield / overgrown." I really like this one. It gives me a great image of the battlefield and a sense of the righteousness of nature overtaking it.
"A bronze wind-chime / entrances a ginger kitten - / so close, yet so far." This one seems well connected, but I don't quite understand why we need a kitten and a wind-chime in this poem. I don't like this one as much as the third one, but I can't really pinpoint why.
I hope these helped.
Hey Karzkin, send me the original text of the work to webmaster@youngwriterssociety.com. I'll take a look into why the Japanese characters aren't appearing. Thanks!