Pretty packages of patterned paper
hiding surprises from those who love you.
Celebrating another year conquered and slain,
we light fire, and make wishes
to stave away the demons for another year.
Everything seems liquid and bright,
and the clutching fingers of dread release for a day,
like the eye that blinks in the middle of a storm.
Everyone is entitled to a day
to celebrate the mere fact
that they were born
and continue to make use
of that greatest gift.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day!
I like it though, it's a fun way to open the poem.
Love it!
Pretty packages of patterned paper
Wow. Try saying that ten times really fast!
This actually feels quite dark. I think it's because of lines like to stave away the demons for another year. and and the clutching fingers of dread release for a day,. Not to say it's a bad thing. What I understand from reading this is that you're saying YWS takes the demons away from us, relieves our stress and all that. Which it does.
YWS is the greatest gift.
This type of alteration is forced because it is lingering on the packages instead of progressing the imagery or the story. Only superb writings can accomplish the amount of detail that true alteration deserves. It kinda requires the poem to be written for the alteration because you really shouldn't leave alteration once you have started it.
This is the most unique part of the poem in my opinion. Except the clutching fingers of dread is a little weak. When we picture the clutching of fingers we want an image and not an abstraction. Instead I feel like you should focus on what dread looks like. The image that you associate with dread could speak wonders about the feeling of what dread is.
Overall, I loved the 'eye that blinks in the middle of a storm,' the poem seemed to feed on this one very strong line. The other lines weren't perfect like I would like, the images are weaker then they should be and words are spent un-cautiously to the point of rambling. In the end it's kinda numb sounding, an idea rather then an emotion.
I know you try very hard to progress in your writing because I've seen it but maybe this was a little rushed?
Thanks! And yes, I agree with everything you said. I jotted this down real quick in choir amidst inane songs that are still stuck in my head so I wasn't at my best. It was meant to just be a light-hearted birthday poem though. Thank you very much for your review!
Hey,
This is a great poem, but sadly I must talk to you as a reviewer not a friend *sigh*. Anyway, nice use of punctuation it really helped pull your poem together. However I was informed that every line should start with a capital letter. My other nitpick is that this poem doesn't really rhyme, I acknowledge however that not all poems have to rhyme. Looking past all of this however it's another amazing piece. I love reading your work. Finally as a friend... THIS IS GREAT not how i would write it sure BUT GOOD JOB...sorry I needed to do that.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Whoever informed you that every line has to be capitalized is sadly mistaken. Don't fall for their foul lies.
yes sir
I love the fact that you are inciting the fact that life is a great gift, and you should use it wisely. I believe that you could make each line have closer to the same amount of syllables, but that may just be a quirk of mine. I the way it is put together, though. Overall, good job!