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The Battle Chapter 7

by dogsrule5


I was glad that Mike and I had recovered from the bombs, I thought we would have died. It was a site that I have seen in movies, but never experienced it, until a year ago, I remember that day, Mike saved my life and said...

"Run Stacy, Run to safety"

Or said something like that, but I had to save him, so I went to die with him. I wonder why I haven't been seeing  him around much. When we are at a station together he never talks to me, or even says hi. It's kind of sad. I really need to talk to him.

The next day when I was at Mike's station, I said...

"Hey Mike. What's up?"

Mike didn't reply. I knew something was wrong. Then I said...

"I really need to talk to you. Stop ignoring me"

He wouldn't stop no matter how hard I tried to make him stop. you can't get Mike to stop anything he's doing. I learned that the hard way, just now.

"Mike come visit me at my tent tonight, we both have the night off. See you then."

I walked off slowly getting to my next station, Mike ran as if he wanted to get away from me. I was really curious, but I would talk to him tonight. Hopefully.

That night I lay in my sleeping bag, waiting for Mike to enter. Finally he came, but it was like three in the morning.

"Hey Mike, I am really surprised you showed up, after you haven't been talking to me all of a sudden."

Mike turned to leave.

"Mike wait I didn't mean that. What's going on you have rarely talked to me, and you are acting like you hate me, your also ignoring everything I say to you, what's up with that. One time you even pretended I wasn't even there, you think I am invisible Mike, and I want it to stop."

Mike walked out of the tent onto the battle field.

"Mike wait... Don't go..."

I cried myself asleep knowing that Mike probably doesn't like me anymore.

The next morning I ate breakfast, and then it was time to get back on the gory battle field.  The gory field had a bunch of dead bodies, maybe Mike was shot or something it wrong with his voice. But I knew I couldn't think about it know, because I was in the middle of a sword fight with some German idiot guy. And of course it had to be one of the guys that flew the plane and almost killed me and Mike. I could totally tell he was trying to finish me off, but after a while, he was in shock, because of the hard sword hit in the neck. The wound on him was bleeding so bad, it dripped down from his neck and left a little puddle, of blood, on the dirty ground. He fell to the ground in dismay. Once I left him suffer for about five minutes, I finished him, off with another swipe in the neck.

Serves you right. I thought.

After a while, I ran to Mike, and told him about the big kill. He didn't care, or listen.

I knew something was wrong.


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240 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:49 pm
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AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for a review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have right here...

I think that you could shorten your fourth to last paragraph because you have some really short paragraphs and that expresses the tone of your character but all of a sudden you have this big jumbo paragraph. Also, in that paragraph, you try to connect your sentences by starting them with but or and but that doesn't really transition them in the way that they should. If this is the way that your character talks, then I advise to find a way to implement this so that it's more smooth. I would like a little more imagery in here, I know that you were trying really hard to put it into here and I totally get that. I often I have trouble with that. What really helps me with that is when I read other peoples' works so that I can learn how they do it, @RavenMoonStone is amazing at writing those sort of those things.

Your grammar and spelling is flawless. I think that is something that makes me love your piece so much, I don't have to stumble upon some random mistake. Your organization is pretty good for your character, the only problem was that one paragraph. I really want to know what happens next because you leave it with a cliffhanger and it's always fun to make them but to read them...GRR! Your plot seems to be amazing, you really know what you want to do next. Overall, great job, I really enjoyed reading this. Have a nice Review Day! Keep calm and keep writing! :D




dogsrule5 says...


Alright thanks!!!



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Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:00 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hi!

Raven is here for a review on this delightful book you have written!
I must say, I feel bad for Stacy. With the main love interest not talking to her, it must be hard. I wonder why Mike is not talking to her, I mean, is there any true reason? Is he seeing someone else? This has installed a lot of questions into my brain. He seems, robotic. Has something happened with the enemy? Will he have to leave the war? I am at the edge of my seat! :)

Now, you are getting better at descriptions! How much you have progressed is awesome! I still have a bit of a problem with the drawings.

Even though the narrator has painted a somewhat gory picture in the last paragraph, throughout the chapter we, the reader, can barely see, taste, touch, or feel anything. The reader needs that to connect with the story. Without that, the tale seems dry and dull. I recommend describing more of the area.

(e.g. If there is dead bodies in the surroundings, try and see what the deceased soldiers were wearing. Perhaps, 'feel' the ground below her feet. If Mike came into the tent and then exits quickly, perhaps state that his feet hit the ground in a hurried manner. Also, if they seem angry, happy, or sad, picture what the look on their face is, and describe it! It will really help your reader connect.)

I must exclaim! The ending has me waiting for the next chapter! When Stacey finally realizes that something is wrong, I feel so happy for her. She now knows the problem and can try and fix it. (Also, when she cried herself to sleep a feel a bit of sympathy. The poor dear...)

I like your stories! Keep on writing!

Rae,




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, I am going to explain what is happening to Mike in the next chapter, and what the problem is, but I know an ellcelient problem for Mike and Stacy, it is one of the best poems ever. Yay! But no sneak peaks for you, so you just have to wait. (You poor thing. :( No sneak peaks, I bet that is what you are thinking, aww why not no sneak peaks???) XD! Just kidding! Talk to you later. :D



Evander says...


:D




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill