z

Young Writers Society


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18+ Language

Edited

by Pinkiegirl13


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Fuck you guys! Ban me if you want, bi-tches! I love to be villain! Haha! Suck it!

Not you, Pinkieishere1345. You are the best sister ever. :D

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Sat Aug 09, 2014 12:14 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello, Pinkie!

You have some malware on your computer. It inserts links into your work. While they're not harmful to anyone else, you should take some time to see how to take it off of your computer so nothing weird happens to it (I'm not sure how it will affect your computer if you don't take it off, but it's a good idea to do that).

I think that the bold font is really eye catching and gets the point across fairly well. I think that the narrator could be more specific about why he/she/xe is swearing at "you guys". Also, who are "you guys"? This could be a really interesting story if you put more context and framing around it.

There is a bit of contradiction in the tone later, when an emoticon is used. The tone was rebellious, but then it turns almost cute. I suggest perhaps removing the emoticon so you don't create such a contradiction.

Another thing that I think you could improve is the placement of "bitches". It's not as eye catching because it's hyphenated. You should put it all one line so that the effect is greater.

I also wonder why this character loves to be a villain. I find that a character is more powerfully motivated when they think they're doing the right thing, and their mind can't be changed about doing the right thing.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day! Sometimes we all have bad days, and it can make us really angry at things. I hope that you get to be not as angry soon!




Pinkiegirl13 says...


It is about, not someone else...dumba**



lostthought says...


... One, you forgot the "me" after about.

Two, you just swore at a mod just for reviewing you.



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 10:22 pm
Markontheworld says...



Why you angry?




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Fri Aug 08, 2014 10:18 pm
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Pinkie, no! That is so wrong. I know that you told me that this site is so much for you, but you don't have to do that. Maybe we need to talk about this....




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Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:53 pm
Rurouni wrote a review...



Hmm..

I had to review, what can I say?


So, I LOVE how you say "Haha!" it's always been something that I've done, adds some character.

The profanity, eh, could be better. Could have more details on what you mean with being a villain, and how you ARE a villain, or at least the narrator.

Interesting other character, wanna hear more about that one too...


I must wander off!


~Toodles~




Pinkiegirl13 says...


I don't care about it. It is just how I hate this site so much. -_-



Rurouni says...


Well when you post works like this, people are going to review them. Don't post rants and no one will back-sass you.



Rurouni says...


Mm, rant not the right word. More like, this. Not sure what to call it.



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Idiot...



lostthought says...


"It is just how I hate this site so much."

It might be better phrased: "It is just how much I hate this site."



Rurouni says...


Ah, what wonderful kindness that tis.



Rurouni says...


Well, Pinkie, if you hate the site so much, just stop coming here, it's a very simple and easy solution!



lostthought says...


Pinkie, it's your fault you hate it so much. But seriously, what is the magic word?



Rurouni says...


@lostthought

Go away >>. I don't need 85794857945 notifications.



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:48 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



Hello.
Interesting work. I'm not quite sure how to review this, but here I am. It's gotta get out of the green room somehow.

I think the enormous type-face and bold-lettering really get the emotion across. Also the much-used exclamation points also serve that purpose.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this work is, however. I'm not seeing anyone who would really want to read this. That's the honest truth. So I'm not sure why you've published this other than because you have the freedom to publish anything, and we can't stop you. I just don't think I understand why you would use 250 points to write this. But you did.

Um... nitpicks:

I love to be villain!

If you care about grammar, (which you might not) it should be "I love to be a villain"

One last thing, you say "ban me if you want" as if you're referring to just GMs, which are the only one who have powers to ban you, but then you address pinkieshere like this was meant for everyone on YWS, because pinkieshere is not a mod.
Anyway, keep writing!
~fortis




Pinkiegirl13 says...


No, Pinkieishere1345 is my sister. My real sister. She joined YWS. And I hate everyone else. That's what it is about. Bye!



Rook says...


Yeah, I knew she was your sister. ^_^



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:48 pm
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megsug wrote a review...



Hey Pinkie!
Saw this work and just had to drop a review.

This character you're playing is very intriguing. I'm interested to see exactly who's behind these words. Someone who revels in villainy can be really interesting, yet you have the note about the sister later on to imply that this character does in fact have the capacity to care. I'm interested as to what the character is so angry about or who they're cursing at.

With such a small amount of words, I really think that the profanity here takes away from the piece rather than adds to it. With a work with so few words, you don't really want to waste two on swear words. I think you could get away with one though.

I just feel like the character is kinda flat, you know? I mean, where are their thoughts? What is their purpose? What kind of evil do they do that they love so much? Why do they love their sister?

I think you have a great base for a character with some potential, you just need to flesh him out.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know.

I'm here if you need to talk,
Megs~




Pinkiegirl13 says...


It is about me, dude!



lostthought says...


Meg, and you scolded me?



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:21 pm
Pinkiegirl13 says...



Shut up, guys! I don't want to see ya'll words to me, b****hes




Willard says...


*y'all



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Dude, it's ya'll. Shut up...






Pinkiegirl13 says...


Screw you, guys. It is still ya'll in my state.



lostthought says...


But ya'll is basically the contraction of "ya will". Your state uses it incorrectly.



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Can you leave me alone, dude? You are really annoying...



lostthought says...


What's the magic word?



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Screw you?



lostthought says...


No, pinkie. That's not right. Besides, that's two words!



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Dude, you are so annoying that I wanted to kill myself



lostthought says...


No, no, no. That's not the magic word either! I'll give you a hint. It's only one word!



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Dude, screw you and your dumb words! I am going to cut myself.



lostthought says...


That's still not the magic word, Pinkie!



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:19 pm
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Rurouni says...



"I love to be villain!"

If you want it to read correctly, should be, "I love to be a villain."


Toodles~




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It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.
— Mr Collins, Pride and Prejudice