Hello, Pinkie!
You have some malware on your computer. It inserts links into your work. While they're not harmful to anyone else, you should take some time to see how to take it off of your computer so nothing weird happens to it (I'm not sure how it will affect your computer if you don't take it off, but it's a good idea to do that).
I think that the bold font is really eye catching and gets the point across fairly well. I think that the narrator could be more specific about why he/she/xe is swearing at "you guys". Also, who are "you guys"? This could be a really interesting story if you put more context and framing around it.
There is a bit of contradiction in the tone later, when an emoticon is used. The tone was rebellious, but then it turns almost cute. I suggest perhaps removing the emoticon so you don't create such a contradiction.
Another thing that I think you could improve is the placement of "bitches". It's not as eye catching because it's hyphenated. You should put it all one line so that the effect is greater.
I also wonder why this character loves to be a villain. I find that a character is more powerfully motivated when they think they're doing the right thing, and their mind can't be changed about doing the right thing.
Anyway, I hope you have a good day! Sometimes we all have bad days, and it can make us really angry at things. I hope that you get to be not as angry soon!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
Donate