z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Rosie Williams

by Pinkiegirl13, Pinkieishere1345


Age: 20

Gender: Female

Lives: Los Angeles

Birthplace: London, New England

Birthday: August 4, 1994

Quirks: She has a epilepsy seizure when she saw flashing lights.

Weakness(es): One of her family members are dead. She can't focus when she was something cute like a teddy bear.

Strength(s): When she has a chance to escape and she will try to achieve her goals.

History: Rosie was born in London, New England. She was raised by her father and his wife, Sarah. She had a great life and have many friends which she loved to play with. When she was five year old, she has a epilepsy seizure when she saw flashing lights. Her family got her to be away from those flashing lights for safety. When she was in high school, she wanted to become a chef for her father's diner. He taught her how to make his tasteful foods which she always enjoyed. However, she saw two men broke to the diner and shot her father in front of her on the night after everyone left. Her stepmother started to blame her for his death and said, "Why did you died instead of him?". She sometimes beat her for no reasons or when Rosie told her that it is not her fault. After all of the years of beatings and blames, she started to leave her home and moved to Los Angeles. She started to work at Moey's restaurant. She first met her lost-long mother and her siblings. She moved in with them and had a great life.

Personalities: Kind-hearted, honest, weak, playful, and kind of brave.

Other: She loves to pick on her siblings. And she loves to have teddy bears.


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151 Reviews


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Mon Aug 04, 2014 8:12 pm
Pinkiegirl13 says...



I don't give a care about her being perfect and trying to make her relate to ya'll.




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Mon Aug 04, 2014 5:02 am
Iggy wrote a review...



'Lo.

Lives: Los Angeles


Try replacing "lives" with "location".

Birthday: August 4, 1994


How convenient, her birthday is tomorrow. Happy 20th, Rosie!

Quirks: She has a epilepsy seizure when she saw flashing lights.


Had*

One of her family members are dead.


Is*

She can't focus when she was something cute like a teddy bear.


Sees*

Strength(s): When she has a chance to escape and she will try to achieve her goals.


This really isn't a strength. Also, elaborate or be more specific. Escape from what?

She was raised by her father and his wife, Sarah.


His wife? Does that mean Sarah is her stepmother? If so, add that in there.

She had a great life


Has* unless she's dead, which I assume she's not.

However, she saw two men broke to the diner


Break*

"Why didn't you died instead of him?"


Add in the emboldened.

she started to leave her home


This makes no sense. Revise it.


Okay, so not too skippy on her history, there. She miraculously finds her long-lost birth mother and moves in? Even though her mother never came to see her and Rosie never knew about her half-siblings? And of all places, the one town she chooses, she finds her mom. And lives happily ever after.

Maybe I'm just a pessimist but that seems too perfect to me. Not realistic. No me likey.

Hope this helps.

~Iggy




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745 Reviews


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Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:36 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Since you don't really accept written criticism, I figured I'd try another approach and give you an audio recording of your character profile. Maybe with this you'll be able to point out the subject-verb disagreements, the tense changes, and other taboos.

Furthermore, I refuse to accept a character who considers epilepsy a 'quirk'. It's a serious disorder and should be treated as such. If she has true epilepsy, there are more triggers than just flashing lights. Research it on your own.

Finally, the hyperlinks in your work indicate that you have malware on your computer. You can check out this thread for more info.

Anyway, enjoy the audio.

phpBB [media]




Pinkiegirl13 says...


Dude, I don't want to hear your voice or your words about it.



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558 Reviews


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Sun Aug 03, 2014 11:06 pm
erilea says...



Hey, Pinkie, is Pinkieshere really your sister? In real life?




Pinkiegirl13 says...


Yup!



erilea says...


Oh...:) Is she nice?



Pinkiegirl13 says...


Yeah, but she is very goofy...



erilea says...


:)




It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain