z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Battle. Chapter 6.

by dogsrule5


I woke up form a long, long nap. Mike was in my tent standing right beside me.

I wonder if he kissed me while I was asleep.

I wondered why Mike hasn't said anything yet. My eyes were wide open and I was wide awake ready to get back into the battle and fight some more.

"Mike?" I asked confused. "Why are you in my tent. If chief sees you, you are going to get yelled at for sure."

"I don't care about chief." Mike said sounding romantic. "I care about you."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah."

"Even after our fight yesterday?"

"Listen it was my fault."

"No it was my fault. I shouldn't have said those mean nasty things to you. I started it, and it's my fault."

"I don't think we should talk about this disagreement. It could start another one and possibly ruin our friendship."

"Mike. Listen, I am really sorry about yesterday, and I know you forgive me, but..."

I got cut off by Mike. But it was the most nice way to say shut up. He gave me a kiss. My first kiss. I was so happy, but acted cool in front of Mike.

"That was a really nice way of telling me to shut up."

"I know!" Mike said. "I mean it's cool."

We laughed for a while, at least until chief saw us.

"MIKE GET BACK IN THE GAME. GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT."

"Sorry chief.'

Mike ran out of the tent and started to fight. I watched him slash people to the ground, killing them instantly. Mike was a really good fighter, and I would never be as good as him, but one day we will be together, and never be spilt up. Never.

I fell back to sleep, but right when I did, Mike rushed in, trying to hide. It startled me and I screamed.

"Sorry." Mike said. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"That's okay." I replied. "But what are you doing rushing into my tent?"

"Listen they are coming. The German's are coming with planes."

"So. That's normal."

"Yeah, but this time they have bombs. We have to run to safety."

"But what about my wound."

"We can't worry about that right now. We have to run go, go."

I jumped out of bed and ran as fast as I could, but I couldn't go that fast knowing my wound still hurt. The German planes were hovering over us, and I was looking up at the sky at the planes thinking they would drop the bombs any second now. I tripped and fell over. I couldn't get up. I was in shock. Mike picked me up and ran with me in his arms, just like they do in the movies. I told Mike I was okay, but he wasn't listening. The bombs dropped and he threw me to the safe spot where all of the other army men were. (Not the German's.) I was flying threw the air hoping to land on my feet. I didn't, but luckily I didn't land on my wound, but falling on my back wasn't that bad, so I was okay. I was mostly worried about Mike. I didn't think he could make it to safety, and sadly he didn't. I screamed, when the bombs fell to the ground and Mike fell with them. After all the bombs were on the ground I saw one of them had landed on Mike. His wounds were much worse than mine. Sadly I couldn't take him to the clinic, because it was blown up a long time ago. My tent was gone, just like all the others. I thought Mike was gone, until he looked up at me and said...

"Stacy. Run more are coming leave me here to die."

"I can't do that."

He forced me to run, so I did. I ran like lightning. Mike was still on the ground. While I was running, I was thinking about how bad Mike could get hurt, he could die out there. So I went out where he was and lied on the ground next to him. The bombs fell, and it felt as if, it landed so hard, and the explosion was so loud, I went death and I died. The other army men and woman helped us. We rested in some of the tents that didn't get blown up. After a few mounts, and almost a year, we were healed. I was glad to be back and fighting again with Mike. Mike was alive and this time we were finally fighting next to each other, so we could help each other.

The end of the day came, and it became night. We changed spots at midnight, and I wasn't with Mike anymore. But everything was normal again. I was happy for once in my life.



 


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324 Reviews


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Reviews: 324

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:55 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hey! Raven here to do a review!

Aw...bombs dropped. I ponder what the Germans plans are... Is the layout of this so the Germans are literally right next to Stacy and Mike's side? They seem to be very close. Though, I do not know if that is the best battle plan. While one side tries to sleep, they could be attacked. (Though, if that is your plan, I won't bug you.)

I wonder if he kissed me while I was asleep.

I wondered why Mike hasn't said anything yet.

Both these sentences start with the same thing. Perhaps change one of the "wonders" to: ponder, thought or mused. Using the same thing over and over gets boring and repetitive. We wouldn't want that to happen. ;)

Now, I must say, I was impressed by this chapter. You are improving a lot. I remember the first chapter of Lost Magic. Ah well, I am getting carried away...(Like how Mike carried Stacy! That part was romantic...)

1. Okay, right here the chapter says: Mike said sounding romantic.
2. Here it states: "...It could start another one and possibly ruin our friendship."
3. Finally it mentions: He gave me a kiss.
1 and 3 make it seem like Mike wants romance, though, 2 looks like he wants to be just friends. Perhaps have him stutter over the word friendship, almost saying the word "relationship." It would be cute!

I ran like lightning.
Cool simile. :D It really shows us how she ran.

I hope to see more!

Rave,
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Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:33 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hey, dogs! Long time now see!

Now let's start with the things I liked.

1. Your writing style is getting better, and each sentence is beginning to be much more structured. Also, there were less nitpicks and much more correct grammar.

2. Your imagery is getting stronger! You're being able to describe whats happening- but show, don't tell. That's an important issue here, but I'll explain more later.

Now, into the things that could use improvement!

1. As mentioned above, show, don't tell. You're telling. A writer must not tell. That's what makes writing good- if you show. Try and focus more on showing, if that makes sense.
Here are some pointers:
- First get down color. You must have color in your story, unless you want your reader to think make up the color of your person's clothes.
- After you accomplish color, do shape/size. How big is the table? It went up to my waist. What kind of dress was she wearing? A sleeveless one. Got it? Okay.
- Lastly, just fill in missing pieces. Go into detail with what things look like, or what people are doing.

2. In your writing, you tend to repeat words or phrases often. Try to build up vocabulary, and not repeat phrases. Here is a place where you repeated:

But it was the most nice way to say shut up.


"That was a really nice way of telling me to shut up."


Try to just reread your work to make sure you don't have things like this repeating.

3. To wrap up the critique part, I want to say that you need to improve on dialogue. I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but it's just not realistic. I mean, your dialogue is there, but it doesn't sound like words people in real life would say. Try to make your conversation sound lively and true and real and just wow! Okay?

Great job, though, and since I first met you, I can totally tell you've been improving. Keep up the good work!

~WillowPaw1~




dogsrule5 says...


Thank you. And I know your not trying to be rude because your my friend well online friend on this and animal jam, so yeah. Your really nice.



WillowPaw1 says...


Oh, thanks. :)



dogsrule5 says...


No problem! Any encouragement or nice words to make you feel better, you know where to find me, cause I will be the one to make you feel much, much better! XD! So you know where to find me! Talk to you later.




"People should not be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people."
— V for Vendetta