The Veil - Chapter 10 Part 2

by megsug

Published June 23, 2014

12+

In The Veil

The guard at the door studied Obi. "The king sent for you."

Obi straightened his robes, untying and retying a few bright colored bows that were too crooked. "Really?" he asked as he straightened his sleeves and brushed wrinkles out of the front. "I just thought I'd stroll up here at this ungodly hour and wake him up. It's very chic these days, you know." Glaring at the guard, he waited until the doors were open and strode through quickly. He hoped snapping at the guard would make it so that he could smile easily at Rofulo. He opened the throne room doors with little ceremony. There would have been a time once where they would have met in a cozy parlor or sitting room. No longer.

Obi bowed stiffly. "You sent for me, your Highness?"

Rofulo stood in front of the throne that stood high above the floor. He was looking up at it, his back to Obi. "I've heard some rumors."

Ignoring the cold prickle of panic, Obi moved into the relaxed position of a soldier which wasn't relaxed in the eyes of a civilian. "What can I do for you?" He forced his shoulders to relax, trying to ignore the stiffness in his neck.

Rofulo turned to him. "It's more what are you doing." Still in sleep clothes far too extravagant for their purposes, he didn't quite strike the noble pose a king was supposed to. He looked frumpy, fat, and paranoid with bloodshot eyes of a sleepless night. Obi supposed everyone could look human sometimes.

"Trying to gather my family together?" he asked softly, unable to smooth the acerbic edge.

"I had to set an example."

Obi felt his muscles tensing again as anger pulsed through him to thaw the panic. "I wasn't questioning your decision."

Scoffing, Rofulo shrugged. "Whether you were or not, I didn't bring you hear for that. I heard several noblemen met today, and you were in their ranks."

Stillness was imperative for Obi now. If he moved, he would surely shatter, and Rofulo would know, and it would be over. He smiled slowly, trying to force the expression to be kind, a tad coddling. "Friends can't meet without suspicion now?"

"Why weren't you with your nephew? I think he could use all the advice he could get."

Lips freezing in a smile that had almost reached genuine condescension, he didn't know how to cover the anger contorting his face or how not to react to the smirk rolling across Rofulo's. "Lekan will be just fine without seeing me every day until he leaves. He's a smart boy."

Unaffected by Obi's obvious wrath, Rofulo chuckled. "Oh yes. I've heard about how smart he is."

Hard earned control snapped. Moving very little, Obi leaned forward, his face ugly with anger. "You pompous bastard. When they take your rule away from you, I'll dance about it. I know your game, and I see what you're doing with Lekan. Don't think I don't, and I'm a dangerous enemy to have made." He glared before the implications of what he had said sunk in.

Rofulo's eyebrows rose slowly, his face smug. "If your punishment wasn't already in place, I would throw you in the dungeons for that, but I think I've made enough of a statement with your family so far. Now…" His voice was smooth and quiet. It was easy to hear Obi's ragged breathing over it. "Who is this they that's going to take my rule?"

"I don't know any names. I've been staying out of that." He looked down as if ashamed. "I've taken the warning."

Crossing his arms, Rofulo studied him. "That’s not like you, Obi. I know I'll never be able to prove it, but you were a part of the debacle in the east. You're always stirring things up. Kamaria things I should get rid of you. She doesn't know you like I do though. You've still got some value as long as I know what to take from you to make you jump."

His face completely still, Obi shrugged. Such an outburst wouldn't happen again. "I don't know anything about the east, I've told you, and I know nothing about this. From what I've heard, it's mainly commoners against you. Maybe it's just wishful thinking to say they'll make a change."

Rofulo threw his head back and laughed. "If those insects make a change for me it'll also be a change for you. I want your help." He said it like a man who was used to asking for things. There was no embarrassment, no humility. One thing that was admirable about Rofulo was his straightforwardness.

"My help?" He hated how easily Rofulo had let that go. The king either knew more than he was letting on or had a reason not to be afraid. Neither appealed to Obi.

Nodding, Rofulo came towards him. He smiled stiffly as Obi recoiled when he put his arm around his shoulders. “I want you to let me know if someone invites you to a certain group or… Maybe you’ve already been invited.”

Chuckling so he wouldn’t seem too afraid, he turned his head to look at Rofulo who looked quite smug. “I don’t agree with the way they’re doing things,” he murmured softly.

“Then you’ll help me.”

He refused to look away from the eyes with pupils that were too large and whites that were streaked with red. “I’m not sure how I can,” he said with a coy smile. “You know I’d do anything to serve your Highness.”

“You,” he tapped on Obi’s chest, “are going to tell me what they’re planning.”

His face frozen, Obi nodded. “I suppose I don’t have a choice.”

Rofulo suddenly walked away from him, prowling. “Everyone has choices. By the by, old friend, I heard you’ve gotten quite close to the poor widow.”

Obi put his hands behind his back, his mind screaming at him to protect Conya. “I’ll meet you at this time the morning after every meeting,” he offered sharply.

“Good.”

“And you won’t even look at her.”

Rofulo laughed. “In love with your brother’s wife. How long has that been going on?”

Obi stared straight forward. “Is that all you wanted?”

Stopping before him, Rofulo nodded. “You’re dismissed.”

“Thank you, your Highess.” Obi bowed and turned, fleeing.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review
Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2015

Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for another review of you next chapter. I see that you were getting really short reviews so I will try to ace that.
Let's begin,shall we?

The guard at the door studied Obi. "The king sent for you."


So the verb that you inserted here studied seems to indicate that the guard and Obi don't really know/recognize each other.I would like to know if that indicates that Obi doesn't visit the King often?

He hoped snapping at the guard would make it so that he could smile easily at Rofulo.


How is snapping at someone going to make Obi smile? You here kind of portray him in a cruel way, I think and so I would modify that, unless that is how he really felt.

Once there would have been a time, once where they would have met in a cozy parlor or sitting room.


I think that you could move once to be the first word in the sentence. So it would look like: Once there would have been... Another thing, I don't know why but I can't imagine the king having a "cozy parlor" because I always imagine castles to be dark and cold and mysterious. Plus from previous chapters how you mentioned how uncomfortable Qui'in felt in Kamaria's quarters and castles I doubt that any room or parlor could be "cozy"

Ignoring the cold prickle of panic, Obi moved into the relaxed position of a soldier which wasn't relaxed in the eyes of a civilian."What can I do for you?" He forced his shoulders to relax, trying to ignore the stiffness in his neck.


I personally don't think that this is necessary because I don't really know the position or posture of a soldier. And then adding that comparison of that is didn't seem relaxing to a civilian just isn't necessary and doesn't really make sense. I would just strikeout this whole sentence,do you see what I mean, sugar?

Okay the second thing is look at all of the bold words. In two sentences you used the verb relax three times and ignore two times. I think that you could come up with a creative substitute,sugar.

Moving very (a) little, Obi leaned forward, his face ugly with anger.


Okay so I think that you should change "very little" to "a little" but that is a purely stylistic and personal preference.

“Everyone has choices. By the by, old friend, I heard you’ve gotten quite close to the poor widow.”


What is by the by actually supposed to mean? I don't really hear that as a commonly used phrase,sugar.

“I’ll meet you at this time the morning after every meeting,” he offered sharply.


I don't understand why Obi decided and planned to meet at this early and ungodly hour. I mean he was complaining and grumbling about the whole way here, and having untied robes,etc. His chauffeur-the one who drove him commented about his strange hours. So now Obi is okay with getting us so early-it seems that he is in agreement of interrupting his sleep.Just something to think about,sugar.

Now that's it of the nitpicks,let's get down to general.YES! Finally here you have written a chapter that isn't a filler and really advances the plot sugar. I think it was veeery well-written(and short-it was hard to critique because of those two things) so I only pointed out the minor nitpicks.

Would Obi really say that harsh words: "You pompous bastard"? I mean I totally understand his anger but I think that the king should react a little bit more facially and strongly, if you know what I mean.

And then also, I feel like the king is threatening Obi and then commanding him to help and go under cover.Such a big but quick transition that I don't really understand why the King went from being this mean bully to being nice while still manipulating. I think that you should more of a transition here, slower, from his change of heart/emotion.Work that in by having the king hesitate,pause,or consider. Anything that shows a hint/clue that a change of emotion is coming soon.

Overall as I said, I really loved reading this chapter. Anyways, that's if from me,sugar. I hope that this review helps you improve your writing.

KEEP ON WRITING!!

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User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 28, 2014

Yo Egs!

Shady back with another review. I will get caught up eventually. I will.

I love Obi's sarcasm. His cutting wit is one of my favorite parts of his character. It's very well done. :)

Kamaria things thinks I should get rid of you.
~ Typo. Thinks.

His face frozen, Obi nodded. “I suppose I don’t have a choice.”
~ If you turn Obi into a spy for Rudolph, I'll never forgive you. >:[

...Otherwise, this was very good. I enjoyed it. I'm really not in the mood to fangirl right now, so I'm just going to end this review. I'm serious, though. I'm really hoping Obi is just trying to save his and Conya's hide. If he really changes sides again, I'm going to change my nomination in the YWS Most Awards. You my friend will be most likely to end up getting killed by a mob of angry writers.

~Shady 8)

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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

Oh, the sarcasm. I love it!

Just a nitpick here:

"Who is this they that's going to take my rule?"

You don't need all three of these words. I think you might've had a few different ideas in your mind as you were writing out this sentence.

That evil bastard. *covers mouth* Can I say that? Well, I already did. The king is so lame and so annoying. All he wants is his power and he doesn't care who he runs over or who's life he ruins in order to get what he wants. And I find it quite pompous that he calls Obi to him so early in the morning just because of these rumors he's heard. Couldn't this have been told in the later hours of the morning? Why did he need to talk about this so early in the morning? Jerk.

Right, now that I've gotten past ranting about the king, let me focus on this part of the chapter.

The conversation between the king and Obi suggests so much. We already knew that the two of them were friends at some point, but we know more about their relationship now than before. In case you haven't noticed over my past reviews, I quite enjoy learning things about characters trough their interactions and actions and dialogue. This scene takes up two of those three, therefore I loved it. And we also learned that more than just Obi knew the fact that he was in love with his dead brother's wife. I think it's pretty apparent to everyone, but no one else has really mentioned it.

This review was a bit rushed since my family is yelling at me to come join them for dinner >< I was going to mention stuff about the plot and everything, but I'll just wait until my next review to mention that.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Deanie
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Deanie commented Comment · Jun 29, 2014

I can't even review D: This is just too perfect and too good. I am going to read the final chapter and see if I can be any use there instead :P

ConfusedGlasses wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hey @megsug! Guess I'm back for a review.
I can understand pretty well how the things are stringed together through the chapters. Because I didn't read the previous chapters I don't get much except what's going on at this very moment. But even as stand-alones your chapters make pretty good sense.
Now,
"...Kamaria things I should get rid of you..."
I think you understand whats wrong. I'm don't really like to bring up too many typos unless its something major. And this line sort of caught my eye and I had to read it twice to understand what was going on.
Otherwise its good. You should never quit writing.

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Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hullo Meg! Here for another Veil chapter! :D

Okay so again I don't really have much to say about grammar or any other technical stuff, I'm sure there are heaps of grammar Nazis who are ready and willing to do that for you anyways XD

I like where you're taking the plot of this novel. You're almost running two plot lines simultaneously. We've got the whole Lekan going off to spy thing and recently you've introduced the whole revolution against Rufolo thing. I think that this is great, I just want to throw out some points to consider when writing your further chapters, so take this as mainly cautionary advice.

-Why exactly do we hate Rufolo? Sure he gave Lekan a really unfair sentence but apart from that what exactly makes him so dislikable? Why are the nobles willing to disrupt their current peace just to uproot this king? We need to know at some point so that we can connect with their cause and thus to the novel overall. I also like how you've got Obi cornered into sort of being a turncoat for the king. I'll be interested in seeing where this will go! :) Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock

megsug replied · Jun 29, 2014

Thanks for pointing out why we should hate Rufolo. I can't believe I haven't put that in somewhere xP



The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown