I was still in this battle. It was a blood bath. On the ground blood was all spread out, and it kind of freaked me out seeing all the dead people just lying on the ground. I had made good friends with someone in the army. He is a really good fighter. He hasn't died yet. His name is Mike. He has blond hair and it's really short. He has dreamy blue eyes, and he sure he wears the dirty army outfit, but he is still cute. I really like him, and I think he likes me. Today he came up to me and asked me...
"If we make it out here alive, would you go out with me."
"Sure" I said.
I was kind of speechless talking to him because when he asked me that question, I got all tingly and felt as if we were the only people in the world. That's how I felt.
That feeling then went away when someone started screaming at me...
"THE WAR IS STILL GOING ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK IN THE WAR, OR YOUR GOING TO DIE!
"Alright." I said
Now I was back in this stupid battle. I can't believe I have to continue fighting, I was just having a moment, and feeling like the only two people in the world were Mike and I. I was also thinking that no one could depart us.
***
A few days later, the battle was still going on and more people were dead. I had just finished taking a short nap. It felt good to at least get a little rest. Right after I woke up, Mike came in and said...
"Come on. Get up. You need to continue fighting. The Germans are trying to get to our battle tents to destroy them, and it is up to us to protect them."
Here we go again. I thought. Back out to the battle to fight and protect the people, and our battle tents.
I thought I would be dead by now, but I wasn't. I was just like my dad. Some people say I am a splitting image of him. Or some other people say...
"The apple doesn't fall far form the tree."
Sometimes it gets old when people say that. I mean it gets boring after hearing it over and over again.
The battle field was still crowed with dead people and alive people. There were more alive people than dead people, but people are dieing like people constantly do something.
Mike luckly hasn't died yet, and I am hoping he won't. He is hoping I won't die. I don't want to die, but if I do, I know Mike will always love me.
End of chapter
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi!!
Nice chapter! I have a few nitpicks to point out:
"If we make it out here alive, would you go out with me."
Instead of the period, you should put a question mark.
"Sure" I said.
You should put some punctuation after the "Sure".
"The Germans are trying to get to our battle tents to destroy them"
Instead of writing "to destroy them" you could write "and destroy them".
I have also found a couple other nitpicks that are probably just typos.
I have found this chapter to be so interesting. I have so many questions to ask you. Will Alex live? Will Mike live? How long will this war last?
I would also like it if you put a little more detail about the area. I have enjoyed your wriying and can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep on writing!
Love,
**Jojoann1**
Hey,
Raven here with a review.
Nitpicks!
Exchange the period for a question mark. And, maybe you could've added something about his voice quavering, or his hands jittering.
You next some sort of punctuation after the "sure".
A couple of nitpicks about this part. You don't really need the paragraph break, it makes it look odd, to me, at least. Also, the caps make it look very unprofessional, an exclamation mark will do fine.
Stuff in red: Should be 'from'.
Right here, you could've described a lot. How the dead people looked, the messy hair, the blood stains on their chests'.
I am wondering... Is this going to be romance? It seems like that. Also, did Alex die? What happened to your MC's childhood friend?
And, are you going to put "The Battle" into more detail? Sure you mention blood in the passing, but it would be super cool if you described how a bomb hit.
Also, try and proof read your stories before you post!
Raven,
Hi, again!
Nitpicks
The first line is a question, and after Sure there needs to be a period or comma.
*you're. Remember, you're is used when it's a contraction for you are.
That's all she says? She doesn't feel her face turn red in anger and sputter and yell at the guy to mind his own business? I mean, she sort of described her feelings after that, but in dialogue... Wow. It seemed like nothing. A simple "Alright" doesn't give the reader any impact at all.
Should be: Here we go again, I thought.
*from
*luckily. And oh my. This is a great example of telling, not showing. It's like this character is just feeding us facts in a bored monotone way. Try to spice it up, and show, not tell.
Huge improvement, though, I must say. Just from the previous chapter to this one I can tell you used reviewer's advice. You totally added in the emotio we were craving for, and the freaked out of blood and dead corpses.
Great job, dogs! ^.^
WillowPaw1~