Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Okay...a decent first chapter here, I did love he title and hence I wanted to check it out...although the biggest issue I see here is the lack of a clear cut premise here...I feel like there could be a bit more happening in this for it to properly reach its full potential here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I am now an adult. 21 years old to be exact. I didn't remember anything about my childhood, except that my dad died in the battle. I am now fighting in this next battle. Which is going on now. I don't remember anything that happened in my childhood, because I have lost some of my memory, by getting hurt, by the other country in this battle. The battle was full of dead people, and I am surprised I am not dead yet, after being to close to a bomb when it went off. I got knocked to the ground unconscious, and was hardly breathing. I finally got to the nurse, who had healed me. I have to stay in the nurse hut for a few days, then I can go back to the battle field.

A few days later I was able to go back into the battle field and continue in the battle. I was running fast shooting my gun at the men and woman from the other country's. It was a blood bath. I mean there was blood everywhere you looked, but I understand, I mean it is a battle. We the United States of America are fighting Germany. Germany has a good army, but I know the United States is going to win this one. My dad died in the battle against Germany. I only got into the army because I of my dad. My dad was tough and brave, and wasn't afraid to kill anyone, and neither am I. I am not afraid of getting hurt, because if I am not dead, I can jump right back into the battle after I am healed. I was always afraid dad as going to die, and one day he did. Now it's my turn to serve this country and win this battle against Germany. I will win, and just like my dad, win the battles of all, until my time will come, then I will no longer serve, but at least I did it while I was an adult and did something good with my life.

When I was a little girl, I used to think that the army was a fun place where, you played lazar tag, or paintball, but as I grew older I realized it wasn't. It was a scary thing where men and woman from the country and fought for us, for our freedom, and for our people. I knew my dad was doing this to be good to the world, and all of a sudden I wanted to do it when I was only sixteen years old. I decided that when I as old enough I would join the army and fight for our right, our people. I knew that one day the United States would beat Germany, and that day would come. After this battle is over. The United States won, and Germany was conquered.

Hey dogs! Pup back for another (random) review! Everyone else got all the nitpicks, but I found one thing that bothered me a little bit:

...that my dad died in the battle...
...this next battle...
...in this battle...
...The battle was full...
...to the battle...

...that my dad died in the battle...
...this next war...
...in this fight...
...The battle was full...
...to the attack from the other countries...

Hi!!

I have enjoyed this book so far! It tells me that the army isn't all fun and games, it is a war. I have noticed a few mistakes that I want to point out:

I only got into the army because I of my dad.

I noticed that it said "because I of my dad". It was probably a typo, but I just wanted to point it out. I also noticed this little mistake:

I knew my dad was doing this to be good to the world, and all of a sudden I wanted to do it when I was only sixteen years old.

It said "to be good to the world, and all of a sudden I wanted to do it", you don't need that comma next to "world". That may also be a typo, but I just wanted to inform you.

I think that this is going to be a great book and I can't wait to read chapter two. This book has been very well written.

Keep up the good work!

Love,
Jojoann1

All right. Everyone has pretty much summed this up for me.

Slow it down.

So, first she's talking about following her dad's footsteps... Then boom they win the battle. Like... What???? I mean, try and explain all the things she saw, and the pain she felt in her heart when she saw a dead soldier lying on the ground with a bullet wound in his chest. You mentioned blood bath and scary, but we need more emotion. That is a key term right here. Emotion. Feelings. Sympthay. Empathy. Or else it just feels like this whole thing is written by a third grader who had to rush and get his homework assignment done about describing what it would be like to be in a battle. Like... no.

So, slow this down. Describe her feelings and what she sees. Instea of using the word scary, maybe a couple descriptive adjectives are: ominous, terrifying, etc etc. You can always look something up on google for synonyms.

Make sure you're spending a lot of time writing this, then read it over and fix anything that doesn't sound right. Then, read it over again to make sure you didn't miss anything. Once you're satisfied, publish it.

Despite all that criticism, the plot is really growing stronger an stronger than just the prologue. Great job with that. The plot is a hard thing to conquer, but once you have it down, go one by one with all the other things you need to do: characters, setting, etc etc.

Good job!

WillowPaw1~

Hi. Your stories has a good plot but you are moving it along way to fast. You also need to explain more. There are a lot of I in your story. I know it is suppose to be a short story but you can use more descriptive words. There is a lot of info dumps in the story and there is no feel to it. It feels like one reading a report. These are just suggestions for your story. Keep on working it you'll get it.

I think you have a great start. Although I think you should take a deep breath and slow down. You are moving they story along a little fast and that can cause your reader to get lost. Your ides is really interesting though. I also love how you interpret your characters feeling through your writing. Next time just take it slow and don't be afraid to add some dialogue. Just don't over do it. I wish you the best of luck!


-Mackattack

Hello Notresponsible here to review your novel.

I like the plot of the story but I felt like it was rushed. She says she was fighting and she is a soldier but she didn't go into any details. I'm sure war is very scary (actually I'm 100% positive) but very scary was all I got.

For example:
"The battle was full of dead people, and I am surprised I am not dead yet, after being to close to a bomb when it went off. I got knocked to the ground unconscious, and was hardly breathing."

What happened? I need to feel what she felt. From the lines I quoted I felt like she was nonchalant. Like it was no big deal.

It seemed like she went from no big deal to literally saying war was scary.

Overall the story can be an amazing piece about a woman who followed her father's footsteps but you should go more in depth with her feelings and what she went through. I look forward to seeing your next piece.

Hello dogs, Wolf here to review.

Oh, sweet honey darling child. This was a quite, interesting (...?) chapter.

I am now an adult. 21 years old to be exact. I didn't remember anything about my childhood, except that my dad died in the battle. I am now fighting in this next battle. Which is going on now. I don't remember anything that happened in my childhood, because I have lost some of my memory, by getting hurt, by the other country in this battle.