The Veil - Chapter 9 Part 3

by megsug

Published June 9, 2014

12+

In The Veil

Lekan waited until Obi had left the room, not realizing he was waiting until, alone, he stood and turned off the overhead light.

Obi worried him. The old man seemed gentle compared to his usual manner.

He shuffed the cards, his movements slow and clumsy, and set the deck down. He took two, making a tent out of them, and took his hands away carefully. He took two more cards to repeat the ritual.

He'd assumed in these past few months that Obi would be gunning for control of the estate already. Lekan just wished he would take it already. The shock of his father dying had not been so sad as it had been panic stricken. Owning an estate somewhere on the green coast that he had only been dragged to a few times in his childhood would mean leaving friends and lovers, entertainment and fun. He'd seen a few friends lose fathers to know that he would leave, promising to be back after he had familiarized himself with the details of his new responsibility, leave, find that his father had been in more debt than he had let on, and he would come back, but he wouldn't be the same. He wouldn't be fun. He'd be distracted, and he wouldn't look at women as dance partners or sex partners but potential life partners or at the very least a treasure chest to supplement a failing bank account.

With five tents in a row, he balanced two cards on top of them.

Obi had just taken the slack Lekan had left as far as estate affairs went, but he did so with lectures every other day about how Lekan needed to learn how to be responsible.

Lekan rolled his eyes and muttered at the thought. Obi seemed not to understand that he wasn't ready to be anything resembling a responsible adult. When he argued, Obi always spat back in his face how he had been injured three times and hadn't been home in five years when he was Lekan's age.

Swearing as his house collapsed with the whisper of calamity, he was shocked to see his hand shaking. He was overdue for a lecture. Amidst all of the lessons on values and ways to be a man, Obi had never voiced any wish to get to know him more.

Suddenly, he felt like a horse with a broken leg, about to be put out of its misery. What did he know about espionage? Or the country he was going to? Or... Anything at all that could be useful?

His breath rasped in the silent room as he gathered the cards. Obi loved these cards. He wouldn't give them to someone who wouldn't be coming back, someone doomed to be executed in a foreign country. Except they were damn cards that could be replaced at anytime, anywhere. He jumped as the electric lights flickered on.

"What are you doing in the dark, darling?"

Blinking as his mouth twitched into the resemblance of a smile, he shrugged at his mother. "I'm just thinking."

She peered around the room, seeming distracted. "It's about time."

He drew back, offended. "I expected support from you at least." He slipped the cards in his pants pocket as he stood.

"After everything you put me through?" She started tearing up as footsteps sounded in the hall. "I've just learned to live without your father, and you expect me to just adapt to this without-" She took out a handkerchief.

Staring at her, his blood running cold, he hissed, "You don't have to pre-" His back stiffened as Obi came into view, and his expression was frozen between anger and distress as his uncle shot a glare at him.

"I was coming to see where you two were. The dinner bell rang ages ago. I see we need to postpone dinner for a bit though." He put his arm around Conya's shoulders.

Lekan watched, speechless, as his mother leaned against Obi more than necessary, her sobs echoing in the hall. He suddenly saw what his mother was doing. He wasn't that surprised she'd moved on from his father so quickly, but he was surprised she would be so obvious and that Obi hadn't caught on to what she was doing.

...Unless it was Obi. Everything suddenly clicked in Lekan's mind. Obi didn't want to look bad to all of the nobles. It would be much better for Obi if he just married Conya to get the estate and all the money that came with it. Conya was obviously willing to that idea. The fact that Lekan had been taken care of by the government just made it easier for him to take control with little struggle.

Obi wasn't afraid for him. He was celebrating.

Lekan seethed in a rage he thought wasn't possible. He flicked off the light and slammed the door. Two of the candles fluttered out, and the other survived the gust, wax dripping down the holder.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review
Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · Mar 22, 2015

Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for a review, after a very long time(one week-but that's just because I was reviewing other works-and I still have a very long list of works to review
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?

Lekan waited until Obi had left the room, not realizing he was waiting until, alone, he stood (alone) and turned off the overhead light.


I would put alone in another place to make it flow better. I showed it in the quote because it's the easiest way to show you how to do this.

The shock of his father dying had not been so sad as it had been panic stricken. Owning an estate somewhere on the green coast that he had only been dragged to a few times in his childhood would mean leaving friends and lovers, entertainment and fun.


Unless I misinterpreted but it seems like Lekan wasn't sad about his father's death, just panic-stricken that he owns the estate?So he wasn't close to his father,he didn't really care? That's what it seems like here,the impression that you are giving.

Kind of like a side-note but I think that you can format your paragraphs better in this chapter, instead of having all of these stand-alone lines everywhere, if you see what I mean.Remember the basic definition of a paragraph: One idea with sentences all together.I would work on that plan and divide the paragraphs up while editing and before posting it.(except of course the dialogue)

The dinner bell rang ages ago.


Ages ago is very cliche,sugar, and I know that you can be much more creative and come up with an alternative term for a time lapse.

He wasn't that surprised she'd moved on from his father so quickly, but he was surprised she would be so obvious and that Obi hadn't caught on to what she was doing.


This is all one sentence, quite long and I would personally divide it up into two sentences. I will demonstrate how I would do it in the example below:
pretzelsing wrote:He wasn't that surprised she'd moved on from his father so quickly. He was surprised she would be so obvious and that Obi hadn't caught on to what she was doing.


Also in this part:
Conya was obviously willing to that idea.


If these were Lekan's thoughts, then why is he calling his mom/mother by her first name:Conya. Why can't he even think in his thoughts and call her mom, out of all due respect.

Another side thought, don't you think that Lekan is jumping to conclusions at the end of the story. It either seems unrealistic or you are just shining through the character of Lekan. And was he really so blind as to not notice it before when you gave subtle hints about it?

Yes,sugar! He finally realized how stupid he is,how little he knows, and how unprepared he is to become an adult. You could though,if you wanted to make that way more epic, like a bomb dropped down from the sky and opened his eyes to reality and the truth.Show us, maybe he had a physical blow,and emotional setback,whatever it could be.

I didn't want to quote this but at the beginning when Lekan turned off the lights,I assumed that it was pitch black inside the room, how is it even possible for him to stack cards in two towers?
He jumped as the electric lights flickered on.

I liked this reaction, sugar! It was great because logically since he was in the dark for such a long time he jumps up when the light is turned on.

That's all from me. I or that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing! If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me!
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User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 27, 2014

Yo Egs!

Shady back to read more of your excellent story. :)

Let me start by saying that I really like how you're ending this chapter focusing in on Lekan. His reactions to Qui, but especially to Obi, have been really interesting. They draw me in and make me want to know about this foolhardy young boy who obviously has a load of potential. So it made me happy as soon as I saw that we were going to get more Lekan.

I also like that you're making him make card tents. It just seems perfect. He's trying so hard to be grown up, and he and Obi are having adorable grown up moments, yet his inner child comes out the instant he's alone. It's beautiful. It also feels really realistic, which is good.

He shuffed the cards
~ Typo. Shuffled.

Swearing as his house collapsed with the whisper of calamity, he was shocked to see his hand shaking. He was overdue for a lecture.
~ These lines in particular made me relate even more than I have been with Lekan... it reminds me of the beginning of the last semester, when I was avoiding having a conversation with Dr. S about my summer... and, yeah. Very good characterization. Again, it's very believable feels realistic, which is making me care even more about Lekan. Well done. c:

"After everything you put me through?" She started tearing up as footsteps sounded in the hall. "I've just learned to live without your father, and you expect me to just adapt to this without-" She took out a handkerchief.
~ This felt... a bit rushed, I guess? I mean, we haven't seen many Conya/Lekan interactions yet (or if we have, I've forgotten, since I didn't bother to go reread the first bit of your story :P ), but... I dunno.

I would've expected a bit more of a escalation, rather than her just asking what he's doing in the dark then jumping on his back. He deserves it for being such a brat, for sure, but... *shrugs* Maybe you could add a bit more description about her tone and/or body language as she finds him sitting in the dark, so your readers anticipate that she's angry and that there will be a fight coming, so that her anger doesn't blindside us so much?
~ ~ ~

Okay! Um... I'm actually a bit torn about my opinion of this chapter. I know you can handle... well, me, so I'm not going to figure out how to phrase this in a kind manner. Complain at me in chat if I'm overly offensive. ;)

So, as I started out fangirling in the beginning of the review, I really like the first half of this. I like the insight and development in Lekan. I like the focus on Lekan. I like his childlike charm. The last half of this, though, just felt super rushed. I dunno, it might've been nearing your deadline so you had to just finish it ;) but I think it could really benefit from being slowed down.

As I mentioned earlier in the review, I think describing Conya's emotions would make her outburst slightly more believable. As it is, your readers (the INTJ ones, anyway ;)) are looking at her going from angry to sobbing in the course of a few lines as absolutely unexpected, unrealistic, and uncalled for. If you add a bit more argument, and maybe have Lekan act like a bit more of a jerk (he seemed mostly startled, rather than provocative) to build up to her emotional meltdown, I think it could be better.

Um, yeah. I think that's everything. Sorry if it was too harsh. *inserts soothing words for your ego*

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Lekan waited until Obi had left the room, not realizing he was waiting until, alone, he stood and turned off the overhead light.

This sentence confuses me. I read it nearly six times already, trying to figure out exactly what you mean by it. What I get from it is that Lekan waited until Obi had left, but he didn't realize that he was waiting. How can he be waiting, but not realize that he's waiting?

Ah, so Lekan's father owned an estate and when died, Obi came to live with them at the estate. See, that's the kind of backstory that I'm looking for. It's just a few short sentences, but it means so much in the understanding of the story. I've been wondering for a while now why exactly Obi was living with Lekan and why they had so much "staff" living there with them. This would've been nice information to know earlier in the story in all honesty.

Aw man, I feel so bad for Lekan! Here he's sitting there just trying to think, and then he realizes what Obi is doing to his mother. He finally realizes what Obi is up to and what's going on in his life. Everything is failing to come together for him just when he thought things were starting to get better.

I personally think this was a brilliant way to end the chapter. You did a good job putting together everything in this chapter and you wrapped it all up very well. Lekan is confused basically throughout the entire chapter because of Obi's actions. And when he finally understands what's going on, he's upset about it; more than upset really. It was perfect the way you led up to that.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hey there Meg! D: How dare this still be in the Green Room? More people should be reading your awesome novel!

Oh my! This chapter! The mystery of what really happened to Lekan's father increses. I couldn't believe the mother was fake crying just because someone was coming. And the conclusions that Lekan comes to when he does think about things! I can sense some conflict coming along here when it comes to family. Who knows what is going to happen now? You've set us up with the perfect amount of suspense, even though it's a different kind than the usual action-y one, that makes me want to keep on reading.

He'd seen a few friends lose fathers to know


I think it would be better to change 'a few' into 'enough' instead, simply because it helps bring across the message better.

he would leave, promising to be back after he had familiarized himself with the details of his new responsibility, leave,


Wait, wait, you've got leave in there again! So does he leave the island and then come back to it and then find that the father is in more debt that thought, or did you just mean to eradicate one of the leave's here?

Obi seemed not to understand


I think it would be nicer if you take out the 'not' and replace it with 'unable'.

Obi always spat back in his face how he had been injured three times and hadn't been home in five years when he was Lekan's age.


This has me confused. How does it relate to Lekan's argument? Is Obi trying to say he should be grateful that he can be home, because he couldn't for a long time? And I don't really see why being injured would stop you from going home... because usually when injured the first thing they do is send you home (unless it's super serious.) In general that little piece had me confused, so maybe fix it up a little bit?

Aside from the nitpicks and my small misunderstanding, there really is nothing at all to alter in this chapter. It's perfect. Really. I am just going to keep reading because I wouldn't have a clue what to change.

Deanie x

User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Meg! I'm back! Yeah! :D

Main Points

"It's about time."


Argh! That killed me! Hillarious! XD :D

She started tearing up as footsteps sounded in the hall.


Wait... am I reading into this more than I should... or are you implying here that Conya only teared up because she heard someone (especially Obi) approaching?

Aaaand that's it. Wow, I didn't have much suggestions to make, that's because your chapters are written really well. Okay, so since I didn't have much to blab about this chapter in general I'm going to ramble a bit about the greater story. The one thing that really irks me at the moment is that I have no idea what kind of setting this is. Well, not no idea, you've given us some great descriptions of places so far, a vague idea then. I still don't know if this is a modern setting,due to the cars and all. If so where is this? What country are we in? Or is this an alternate version of some place on Earth? Or are we in a completely made up fantasy place? I still have no idea. Also as I mentioned in the previous chapter, what the people look like is quite baffling to me seeing as you've described most of them as being dark skinned and suddenly Lekan's mother is white. So I'm just a little confused about the ethnicity about the people aswell.

That's all I've got for now, I'll see you in the next chapter, and well done on such a great one here :D Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock

megsug replied · Jun 29, 2014

She actually was! I'm glad you caught that :)
There are both light and dark skinned people here. The setting has been a challenge for me :/ I could explain it to you very well, but I'm having troubles describing it in the text. Just know I'm listening to your reviews, and trying to change but finding it incredibly difficult.

I know what you mean, incorporating stuff like that without sounding info dumpy or unnatural is really difficult :/ If you ever want to chat about your novel feel free to buzz me :D



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