It is now the next day. Like Sarah and I did say we would tell Grace all the stuff she didn't understand, but she didn't say anything about it, so we decided to keep our mouths shut. I didn't know what to do right now so I told Grace and Sarah I was going exploring all by myself.
When I was walking by to get out of the camp Sari was still sitting by the river saying or doing nothing. I exited the camp and was out for the day. I had some extra food with me in case I would have to spend the night somewhere else.
I went into the meadow and there were a few bunnies eating the wild flowers the grew along the meadow. Next I went to the forest, but at the other end of fantasy land. I found a unicorn running away from something. I told her to take me there. I hopped on her back and she took me to the very back of the forest. I hopped off of her back when we got there. At the end of the forest there was a deep dark cave. I thought it could be an exit of fantasy land! It wasn't. It was the home of a great big fire breathing dragon. I was already inside and was watching the dragon sleep getting ready to go, but then I realized that maybe at the end of this cave maybe was the exit to the whole fantasy land back into Katie's backyard into her garden. I tried getting passed the big red and orange dragon, but when I accidently stepped on a stone and said ouch, the dragon quickly woke up turned around and chased me out of the cave. He was guarding something. I saw it was another cave. A cave in a cave. I just knew that had to be the exit.
I started running back to the other forest to get back to the camp to tell the others about the exit and the cave in the cave.
Once I got back to the camp I told my friends about the cave and the dragon and all that happened just while I was exploring.
***
The next day I took the others to the cave. Sari didn't come because she knew if we left then we would come back and say goodbye. Once we got to the cave I showed them the dragon. Then I showed them what he was guarding the exit. I knew we had to get by. But how. I was telling my friends there had to be a way to get to the other cave in this cave. But how, they kept asking over and over again. I told them that by sometime I will come up with a plan, it will just take some time.
I had hope that we could do it. We can. I know we can! This is going to be the first time in weeks we will see our parents. I know we will make it out of here in one piece. I will be glad when we are out, but this will be a place we will never forget and we will come everyday, but make sure we get out okay. I know we will make it! I have hope!
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Lost Magic. Chapter 12.Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello, CesareBorgia, here for a review!
This was a good chapter. Mainly because they found out something new. You're not good with descriptions, but for a new writer, you're doing just fine!
You should change this too;
And also;
You use meadow twice in the same sentence!!! I would change this too;
And finally;
I would change this too;
Or something like that.
That's all I have to say for today. I hope you take these edits into consideration.
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia,
signing out.
How come you think I am not descriptive I think I am. No effenice I mean you are usually nice but the discroptive thing kind of sounds harsh I know you are not tring to be, but to me it sounds kind of mean. Just saying
Because I've seen better descriptions, I'm not trying ti be mean, I'm just trying to say that you should do better in that area. And you shouldn't think your work is that good, because it makes edits bad. I think all my works are bad.
Alright then.
Hey hey hey! Let's get to the review pronto!
I'm going to make important points that were running through my head when I read this chapter.
1) Great use of your adjectives! You included some color of the dragon. I like that! Though, maybe say the dragon's scales shimmered in the darkness of the cave, or maybe his red eyes stared at me am I felt as if he was reading every thought I had processed or something of that sort. I'm glad, though, you're using adjectives. Get in the adjectives! You want big, juicy words describing a noun, or else, your story would be... Well, nothing. Get down simple adjectives like "big" and "great" and "funny", then as quick as possible, move on! You don't want to use words that are so simple, any kindergartener would know it. Pull out a thesarous. It is your best friend. Not joking. If you're a writing, you need to own a thesaurus. They give you synonyms for words like "hot" and "dangerous".
2) In the third paragraph (that huge one you wrote), it seemed like this:
I did ____. I hopped on ____. I went _____. I saw _____. The dragon was ____. See what I mean? And the sentences sounded so choppy, and the overall flow wasn't the best. I'd reccomend combining a few sentences and making them stronger. Also, I've said this a lot, but: vary your sentences. We learned this in school to make our writing stronger when writing essays. You don't want every sentence to start with a noun. Start it with a verb, or maybe an amazing adjective.
Those were my main problems. Now, a small lesson regarding commas. *cheers for commas*
Okay.
In the sentence, you need a comma after "camp". The word when is an adverb, right? So, it kind of describes time (other adverbs are like suddenly, slowly, etc). And camp is a noun, right? So when you have a sentence with an adverb starting, then a noun, you need a comma after the noun.
Another example:
When I looked at the still ocean, I heard a soft humming noise.
Italics: The adverb Bold: the noun. Make sense?
Okay-that was the super super mega awesome lecture about using a comma in one way.
Another way....
When you have a list of 3 or more actions or nouns, you gotta use commas. So, in this case, there needs to be a comma after woke up and turned around.
Another example: I bought lettuce, tomatoes, and spinach at the supermarket.
All right, enough with commas.
I hope this is helpful to you!
WillowPaw1~
One thank you. And two I don't have a theorous
Mmm... Maybe you could go buy one or borrow one from the library? Or maybe there's one in your house you aren't aware of.
Ya maybe. But I doubt it though. I have a dictionary, but not a theorous.
Okay
I just checked with my mom and she said we don't have a thesouros. So ya.
Oh never mind then. xD
XD!