The Veil - Chapter 7

by megsug

Published May 9, 2014

12+ Language

In The Veil

Obi was driving too fast. When he did drive, he drove like a maniac because he saw no other reason to risk his life by getting into a metal death trap if he wasn’t going to have fun while he was at it. Ignoring Sefu’s groans and gasps as he turned corners too fast for comfort, he gritted his teeth, finally breaking out of the city that had become as stifling as the tiny room he had just escaped. As the buildings thinned out and became rare appearances amid the landscape that was becoming more and more arid, he slowed down. He took a breath and opened his mouth to speak only to close it and glower at the shimmering heat waves ahead.

“You’re angry,” Sefu murmured, his fingers playing with the decal in the leather of his chair nervously even as his voice remained calm.

“I’m furious.” His voice was a quiet calm as well even as his knuckles were white against the steering wheel. Color returned to them as he relaxed his grip with a long sigh. “What were you thinking?”

Becoming very still, Sefu turned to look at his friend. “I was thinking that the men in that room have little to no military experience. I was thinking that you were just what they needed. I was thinking that you would perhaps man up and want vengeance for your nephew!”

They were in the true desert now. Only the well-kept road connecting the capital to different trading posts remained as man’s mark on the land. Everything else was covered in sand and shifted by winds. The whisper of the wind rushing past the car mocked Sefu’s impassioned words.

“Lekan doesn’t require vengeance. He will survive.”

Sefu laughed, the loud noise ringing unpleasantly against the windshield. “Because a whore is telling him how to act?”

Braking suddenly so that both of them jerked forward, Obi stared at him as the car idled into the hard silence. “Whose side are you on?”

“The people’s! We need to change the way the government is run. As it is, Rufulo has far too much power. We need to take a stand!”

“I need to protect my nephew. Blood comes first.” He watched Sefu’s face for a trace of understanding and felt his heart contract as he couldn’t find it. His voice, to his humility, was pleading. “There was a time you would’ve understood this.”

Sefu looked away, over the passenger door. The hot wind rushed by, playing with his loosened tie and forcing him to close his eyes or get grit in them. “There was a time where you wouldn’t have stood by while someone, anyone treats you like dirt. He kicked you out of the palace when you had good reason to say what you’ve said. He made an example of Lekan obviously to punish you. You’re luck Lekan doesn’t have the sense of a bird, or he would hate you. How much will Rufulo have to do before you actually swing back, Obi?”

He wanted to rest his head against the steering wheel and close his eyes and pretend he was back on tour during a time of peace, guarding the border during the night and bedding women all day long. That side of the country had been wet and beautiful. He closed his eyes to remember it, and for a moment, the warm damp breezes he had loved kissed his face. He took his foot off the brake and kept his face stony. “Regardless, I should have been given a choice.” Turning around, he started back at a much safer pace. “I’ll continue to come, but I don’t like it. I think we should do this as peaceably as possible,” he continued, his mind starting to branch out into the several different possibilities the small rebel group had.

A small smile, on his face, Sefu nodded. “That’s why I brought you. You’re the best at these things.”

Forced for only a moment, Obi’s chuckle broke the tension between them. “Of course I am.”

The ride to Sefu’s townhome was far more characteristic of their normal interactions. They simply refused to speak of the rebellion or the meeting which was strange enough, but both of them were able to ignore it. Mostly there was silence as their minds were on other things.

Obi quickly reverted to Lekan though his resources were now going to be split. A positive, he supposed, of being a part of the rebellion was that he could keep them from using Lekan’s name as a rallying point. Glancing at Sefu, he smiled at the serenity on his friend’s face as a bird soared overhead, and they made their way back to the shade of the oasis that had been pushed past its limits and was now kept thriving via aqueducts. He knew him well enough to know that serious thoughts played behind the face that would suit an old grandfather which. Of course, now that Obi thought about it, his friend was an old grandfather.

Funny how that made him feel so old and alone.

“How is Benu?” he asked, thinking of Sefu’s pretty daughter who may have caused some of his hair to fall out before its time with her flirty ways and wild behavior until she finally settled down with a decent lord a few months ago. Her pregnancy was surprisingly far along, but Obi would never imagine telling Sefu such.

“Moody. I won’t let her around me.” He shook his head. “Serves her right. Every woman should have to get pregnant in summer. Then we wouldn’t have all of these brats running under foot.” He softened his harsh words with a wry smile. “She’s also beautiful and very excited. It’s nice to see her prattle about the babe.” He rubbed his head as he did when he was considering and added softly, “I’m doing this for them, you know.”

Letting that statement dissolve into the silence, Obi stopped at the curb in front of Sefu’s home. “Say hi to Paniy for me.”

“She’d love to have you for dinner.” Sefu got out of the car slowly and stood on the sidewalk, hands in pockets.

Obi shook his head, smiling. “Thanks for the offer, but Conya will be eating alone tonight if I don’t go home.”

Teasing, he laughed. “Why don’t you just marry her already? You already take care of her. You should get some benefits.” He wiggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

Obi smiled as best he could, surprised that he couldn’t take the joke as well as he would have in the past. Despite his attempt to seem normal, Sefu noticed.

“Are we going to be okay, Obi?” The worry folding the corners of his eyes and in between his brows made look several years older than he was. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Leaning across the passenger seat, Obi took his friend’s hand resting on the door. “You and I have survived worse than this, don’t you think? At this point, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, eh?” He smiled as Sefu did and straightened. “Don’t be such a woman, Sefu. You act like I’m important to you or something.” He winked and drove off, not allowing for an answer partly because he always felt awkward during but more because he wasn’t sure if he’d spoken the truth.

The different possibilities weighed heavily as his moved different aspects of the situation about on the figurative scale, seeing what would tip things out of balance. He had just thrown the capital into anarchy for the fifth time when he pulled behind his house. He merely raised an eyebrow when Lekan came strolling out, his expression too innocent.

"Can I borrow the-"

"No." Swallowing a smile at Lekan's slow blink, Obi got out of the car, grimacing at how creaky his knees felt.

"I have to meet someone and…"

Obi started toward the house, nodding at the gardener. "You better get to walking then."

Jogging to catch up to his uncle, he wheedled, "Come on. You're not going out again tonight." He sensed the tension in the beat of silence and quickly amended, "Are you?"

"No."

He smiled. "Then-"

"I just don't want to give you the car."

"But-"

Turning around, Obi leaned against the door jamb. "Don't you have a girl waiting on you?"

Lekan frowned. "…Please?"

"Enjoy your night, Lekan." Obi allowed himself a chuckle once he closed the door and hung the keys in their appointed place by the door.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review
Pretzelstick wrote a review Review · Mar 12, 2015

Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for another review of your work. I am on a roll here. ;)
Anyways let's begin shall we?

As the buildings thinned out and became rare appearances he slowed down, amid the landscape that was becoming more and more arid, he slowed down.


I felt like the last phrase: "he slowed down" could be moved and put somewhere else in this sentence. What if put it where it says in the bold(easiest way to explain). I think that it would fit better.

You’re luck Lekan doesn’t have the sense of a bird, or he would hate you


It's lucky. ^^

Ignoring Sefu’s groans and gasps as he turned corners too fast for comfort,period he gritted his teeth, finally breaking out of the city that had become as stifling as the tiny room he had just escaped.


This is a very long sentence and I would split it up as I have showed you in the quote(easiest way to explain this ;))

Braking suddenly so that both of them jerked forward, Obi stared at him as the car idled into the hard silence. “Whose side are you on?”


Wait so Obi was still driving? You didn't make that clear at all, and I thought that he stopped driving when they started the conversation. Maybe you could say something or mention briefly how he was still driving so that the reader knows what he was doing.

Sefu looked away, over the passenger door.


Maybe over the door, because he didn't get out; perhaps through the door?

He knew him well enough to know that serious thoughts played behind the face that would suit an old grandfather which. Of course, now that Obi thought about it, his friend was an old grandfather.


Alright, the second sentence is kind of disruptively cut off and so I would probably cross out which and I think that will solve the problem.

Funny how that made him feel so old and alone.


Why is Obi so old and alone, if you just wrote that Sefu is old? I mean, doesn't he have a friend and confidant in Sefu? If so, this sentence doesn't have to be here!

He winked and drove off, not allowing for an answer partly because he always felt awkward during but more because he wasn’t sure if he’d spoken the truth.


Awkward during what? :? The answer that Sefu could possibly give? You kind of abruptly left that hanging, the reader just wondering what you were talking about.

I liked how at the end, you made Lekan have a hard time with Obi, begging him to use the car to go and sneak with Qui'in ;) Now onto your characters. Obi really came out here, because he was calm even when anger was burning through him. Although now as I think about it, maybe his maniac driving was his outburst of uncontrollable anger. Sefu won't want to drive next to him for a long time probably :D

I understand why Obi didn't want to go to Sefu's house for dinner, but if I were writing this, I would have a moment of hesitation, like he was considering the idea. It does sound attractive, eating dinner at a dear friends house with I assume a delicious food-making cook :) I like though how you stated his reason, but that one moment of thinking, considering would make a big difference,sugar.

Also what is Obi's reaction after this:

“The people’s! We need to change the way the government is run. As it is, Rufulo has far too much power. We need to take a stand!”


Obi could realize that Sefu is on the opposite side from him, not with him. How does he react? What does he say and so forth. I think that here you need a stronger, more dramatic affect on Obi, because he was asking a pointed question to Sefu.Let Obi actually react,sugar!

This chapter really seemed like a filler,sugar. It didn't really have any action, and didn't develop the plot at all. But it did show a meaningful conversation between Sefu and Obi so it passes ;) not every chapter can be filled with action anyways :|

That's all from me,sugar. If you have any questions, you can PM me. I hope that this review helped you improve your writing and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!

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User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 25, 2014

Yo Egs!

Shady back with yet another review for your awesome story. I feel like I'm starting to lose momentum, so you probably won't get too, too many more tonight-- but right now I feel up to writing one. c:

that would suit an old grandfather which. Of course, now
~ I think you just have a misplaced period here. Otherwise, these sentences don't make sense. :P Just edit it to "...an old grandfather. Which, of course, now..." and I'd say you're gold. :)

Don’t be such a woman, Sefu.
~ Ahahah, yes. On risk of being repetitive... your characters are absolutely adorable. I really adore the interaction between Obi and Sefu, especially in this part of your chapter. It's wonderful... and kind of reminds me of the way Tiffany and I talk. Which is good. It makes it much easier to relate to them. :)
~~~

Aww, Obi is so mean to Lekan. I love it. It makes me feel bad for poor Lekan. I feel like he's been having some Thran moments... poor, dumb boys. ;) The way that everyone else knows what's going on, and are manipulating the poor boy and making him chase after Qui like a little puppy. It's adorable. But, poor guy. Part of me wants him to find out about this entire ploy... though I think that's probably just Ri's influence in my mind. I've grown to have a strange desire to cause the adorably oblivious guys emotional trauma, haha.

Well done, as usual. Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

One thing I really like about this novel is that it has adult characters that are going around trying to make a difference. I haven't read very many "adventure" novels like this on this site with adults that are in charge of the rebellion, if you will. Lekan and Qui'in are younger, true, but Obi and Sefu are the ones who are talking out about the rebellion and changing the government. It's nice to see that. It's like a change of pace or something like that.

You have quite a bit of typos in your chapters so far. I haven't pointed them out for two reasons. One, I'd rather focus on the story and the characters. Two, it would be rather repetitive. I know that you can find these typos and fix them as you edit through. I think it's because you wait until the last minute to post :P I'm just kidding.

There seems to be more and more description as you go along. There's still plenty of dialogue, which I've come come to love. But you've done a good job of adding in more than just that. With this description we get a good look at the world and the setting and the lives of your characters. There's another dimension to the story, rather than just the dialogue and the underlying story of Lekan and Qui'in.

Like I've said countless times before, I'm really enjoying this story. It's coming together well and I can really see the plot moving forward. I'm looking forward to seeing more of Lekan and Qui'in together, mainly because Qui'in interests me. I want to figure out if she likes him or if she was just playing him to keep up her image at that bar. Well, I'll figure it all out eventually, won't I?

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2014

Hey there Meg! More to read :3

Ooh I love this chapter. So much friendship between Sefu and Obi here. We also get to know a bit more about Obi here himself. We can see how far back their relationship really goes, and I have feeling they have been friends for a very long time, and are only experiencing big problems in what they want now.

One thing I wasn't expecting was their ages! Yes, you do say Obi is an old man at the end of one of the chapters, but I didn't think he was that old. And speaking of Sefu, his age surprises me completely! I think what you need to do here is add in some aches and pains in previous like you have done here already as well. Especially Sefu, so we can tell they're closer in age than I initially believed them to be.

When he did drive, he drove like a maniac because he saw no other reason to risk his life by getting into a metal death trap if he wasn’t going to have fun while he was at it.


I got what you meant, but it was just worded confusingly. I suggest you take out the 'he saw no other reason to' and replace it with 'if he was going to'. It just simplifies the sentence a lot and makes it clearer.

and shifted by winds. The whisper of the wind rushing past the car mocked Sefu’s impassioned words.


Because the previous sentence just ended with the word wind, how about using something different in the next sentence? Just shuffle things up a little bit up there.

“There was a time where you wouldn’t have stood by while someone, anyone treats you like dirt.


Comma needed after the "anyone" ;)

He kicked you out of the palace when you had good reason to say what you’ve said.


Small nitpick, but the you've should really be a 'you'd", seeing as we're talking about something that happened in the past.

He knew him well enough to know that serious thoughts played behind the face that would suit an old grandfather which. Of course, now that Obi thought about it, his friend was an old grandfather.


I think you meant that full stop to be a comma. If so, this sentence runs on a bit too long anyway. I suggest you put a full stop after the word grandfather and then cut the word which, starting the next sentence with the words 'of course', and so on.

he asked, thinking of Sefu’s pretty daughter who may have caused some of his hair to fall out before its time with her flirty ways and wild behavior until she finally settled down with a decent lord a few months ago


aaand breathe! That sentence is wayyy too long to read all in one breath. I suggest you chop this up a little bit more. Maybe two sentences? Even three?

his brows made look several years older than he was.


I think you are missing the word him after the "made".

He winked and drove off, not allowing for an answer partly because he always felt awkward during but more because he wasn’t sure if he’d spoken the truth.


During what? You kind of left that part of the sentence hanging and rushed on to something else. Make sure you finish this one off before starting another ;)

The different possibilities weighed heavily as his moved different aspects


I think you forgot the word "mind" after "his."

I know this was mostly nitpicks, but there wasn't much else to work on in this chapter besides that! Either way, I hope this was helpful and I can comment more on the story next time :)

Deanie x

User avatar
Milanimo
Review
Milanimo wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Here to get you out of the green room! Sorry it took so long!

"When he did drive, he drove like a maniac because he saw no other reason to risk his life by getting into a metal death trap if he wasn’t going to have fun while he was at it." This sounds a bit too wordy. Try sectioning this out in separate sentences.

"Ignoring Sefu’s groans and gasps as he turned corners too fast for comfort, he gritted his teeth, finally breaking out of the city that had become as stifling as the tiny room he had just escaped." Again, a bit too much to read in one sentence. The actions and ideas clash and sound contradictory combined like this.

"leather of his chair nervously even as his voice remained calm." Try "although he sounded calm", if you really want to emphasize it. It's not specifically needed because you were previously talking about how his actions were full of nerves and not his voice. The reader will already assume it's still calm unless you say otherwise.

"“I’m furious.” His voice was a quiet calm as well even as his knuckles were white against the steering wheel." Again, the action and voice are different so there's no need to point out the contrast between the two. Unless you say "he gritted his teeth", the reader won't think of it.

That's all I have. I can't find any more critiques. Well done!

User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Silver is back again to review another of your lovely chapters! :)

Main Points

“There was a time you would’ve understood this.”


This is somewhat strange, I'm talking about the fact that Sefu didn't seem to understand that bi was standing by his family, because later Sefu says:

“I’m doing this for them, you know.”


So he does understand that Blood comes first it seems. I don't know if this is done on purpose but it does come across as strange and contradictory.

say what you’ve said.


I think “you'd” would be a more correct term to use seeing as the action has been completed.

“Regardless, I should have been given a choice.”


He did have a choice didn't he? Didn't he choose walk back into that room of conspirational men.

Her pregnancy was surprisingly far along,


This sentence really confused me. When I think of “far along” I think that her nine months is finishing. Though, why would it be surprising? So maybe you mean that it's an abnormally long pregnancy term? That's why Obi wouldn't want to mention it to Sefu, so as not to worry him.

I thought that it was nice that we got to understand a little more about Obi and Sefu's relationship. It seems that they're friends and have been for a while. It was interesting to see their conversations tense and loosen and repeat.

One of the great things about your dialogue is that you incorporate body language as well. Things like Sefu rubbing his head or looking out a window or Obi swallowing a smile. All of it adds depth to your characters and more often than not body language can add a lot to the conversation. Sometimes even more. So well done and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock



Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja