"Hey Katie?" I said
"Yeah?"
"Don't you think we should invite Sarah and Grace to fantasy land with us?"
"You mean our other friends?"
"Yeah. Why did you say "Other friends?"
"Oh... Because I know a lot of other Sarah's and Grace's."
"Oh. Well in that case yes I meant our other friends."
"Okay. I think we should invite them too."
"Okay let's go get them."
"Okay."
***
So we went to Grace's house cause she was the farthest away form Katie's house. We were in luck because surprisingly Sarah was over at Grace's house hanging out. We told them we had something to show them. They said okay and followed us into Katie's backyard.
"Exactly why are we here?" Grace asked confused.
"Because." Katie said. "We are here because we need to show you something in my plants over there."
"Well don't take to long because me and Sarah were just getting to the good part about hanging out at my house." Grace said in a snotty voice.
"You mean you don't want to hang out with Katie and I?" I said.
"Well no its just that I have better things to do than look around in some plants."
"Excuse me!" Katie said. "These plants have meaning to them and also they lead to a secret land which Mia and I call fantasy land."
"Sure there is Katie, sure there is."
"Trust her!" I said.
"Oh is Katie's little friend Mia trying to stick up for her."
"STOP IT" Sarah yelled at the top of her lungs.
"But Sarah, you don't actually believe them do you?"
"I do." Sarah said. "Because I am at least smart enough to know that best friends never lie to each other."
"Oh... Then I guess you can forget our hanging day."
"Fine by me. Because at least I know my best friends forever are telling the truth. Besides who needs you anyway Grace."
Grace left without saying goodbye and Sarah didn't seem to mind very much.
"Well so much for inviting Grace." I said.
"Yeah" Katie said. "But at least we have Sarah right?"
"Yeah I guess so."
***
Once Sarah entered fantasy land she thought it was amazing. There were oceans, deserts, fountains over the lake, forests, and so much more. I thought Sarah was going to faint! She really liked our fantasy land and I am glad she does because the fun here is just beginning of the fun. She thought it was like a field of flowers that never ended. She loved visiting the ocean. There were a few sharks. Those sharks were nice and the sharks let us ride them. It was really cool! I have never met a shark that nice before. He said his name was Bill. Also there was a lion her name was Sari. Sari wasn't just a lion she was a friend and Sarah loved her liked she loved her family. Sari was one of my friends too. She was one of my favorites of all the creatures that live in fantasy land. I think Katie likes the Pegasus because she loves to fly them in the air. Its so funny!
***
Once we had lots of fun in fantasy land, we decided to leave, but when we got to the entrance to go home we couldn't get out. We were trapped, and we couldn't figure out why.
"Oh my gosh!" Sarah said. "I need to get home. I promised my mom I would be home by seven and now its almost six forty-five. I don't have very long. What are we going to do?"
"I don't know." I said. "But there has to be some way out of here. Katie its your backyard so do you know another way out of fantasy land?"
"No." Katie said sounding like she was going to cry. "I don't know what to do and its my fault that Sarah is going to break her promise to her mom."
Katie sobbed with tears running down her face as if they were trying to win the Boston marathon. I felt bad for Katie when she started sobbing, but I didn't know what to do.
"Don't worry Katie." Sarah said. "It will be okay. I know it will. I will just tell my mom that I cant make it home by seven cause my friends invited me to a hotel for a week."
"Good plan." I said. "But why are you going to lie to your mom, I mean you never lie."
"I know." Sarah said. "But I have no choice, because I mean we might have to stay here for the rest of our lives!"
"Whatever" I said.
***
Later that night Sarah called her mom and they had a very interesting conversation about the hotel lie thing. But her mom said it was fine so I guess she wont be bugging us for a while like she usually does.
***
We found a nice place in the forest to set up a camp. Sari was there to protect us during the night, and we would protect her during the day, since we had food and weapons that we made.
***
The next day we went hunting and found lots of good things to eat. We found fruit and a little bit of fish to eat.
***
That night after dinner we slept real good. We were out like a light. We were really tired from all of that hunting and food gathering we did today.
End of chapter
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hi doggy :3 puppys here for another review! I really liked this. that's pretty much all I have to say XD it was really good and I can understand the girls' panic situation. I have been in one before and OH MY STARS no fun XD raven and willow pretty much have everything nitpick wise down, but I saw they missed something. its at the very end.
That night after dinner we slept real good.
it should be either 'very good' or take out the real. it almost sounds like slang. (im not judging u on slang though. I mean come on! im in the outbacks now I have to talk slang or else I don't fit in! XD)
and im guessing this is published? it has it on 'newly published' (top of the list) but there are ways- little secrets I know >:3- that someone can read the book before its even published. if it isn't published, then ignore this review XD if it is then take out the part that says, 'ignore this review' lol
keep it up!!!
~puppys3117~
That's really weird %u2014 either I somehow managed to see it before she published it OR she actually did publish it before, not save it. 0.0
I know a secret so I can read ANYONES storys before they are published >:D NO ONE WILL KNOW MY SECRET!!! -runs away with computer- XD
puppys don't want to burst ur bubble but I know the secret too
Hi,
Raven here for a review (forgive me if I make a mistake, I am on my phone).
In the intro you have a lot of dialogue, and no description. And the dialogue seems odd and unrealistic. I suggest you change that. I used to write like that and people hated that.
Period after "said".
Stuff in red: "Cause" is a word that you would normally use in speech, I would suggest you put "because" there.
Stuff in blue: I think you mean "from".
Period after "IT".
I honestly think you could add a bit more detail, I don't even know what your character's look like!
Raven,
your not really sopposed to see this yet cause its a draft and not finished yet
Hi! Me again.
Nitpicks
All my corrections are in red .
Comments about this: "Okay" is very repetitive, and I know it's dialogue. You may want to have some dialogue tags, in other words, a simple thing saying who is saying what.
Comma after asked.
Comma after "well". To should be too. And it should be Sarah and I.
Its should be it's.
Fantasy Land should be in caps.
Punctuation after it.
Punctuation after "yeah".
Okay, so I have to thank you for clicking the enter button before dialogue. It makes it so much cleaner!
I do, though, think you could've added in more imagery. There was just a little too much dialogue. I love dialogue, I really do, but there should be more to a chapter in a book other than dialogue.
You are really taking people's advice, great job with that!
WillowPaw1~
your not really sopposed to see this ye cause its a draft and its not finished yet
Oh. Well it's published so I thought it was out...?
its a draft on my profile but that's okay just don't tell people about it thanks
Okay
Thanks, but Its published now so ya....
Okay, I won't do another review though. Might be considered spam or something I don't know.