Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
A/N: For anyone who's been following, someone pointed out to me that Conya and Lornya's names were very similar, so I changed Lornya's to Sefu. It's a weird change that I'm still getting used to, so if you catch any points where I call him Lornya instead of Sefu, please point them out.
Enjoy :3
Obi tapped on the top of his boiled egg, wishing the cook would just peel the shell off like a regular person. He hoped it was cooked longer too. The lady always took offense at his request for more time on his food, swearing that she wouldn’t burn anything that came out of her kitchen, but Obi had survived on overcooked meat and eggs ever since he went into the military. He was suspicious of things that still seemed to have life in them.
Conya sat across the table, looking nowhere but her plate, her body perfectly positioned to meet all etiquette requirements.
He wondered if she ever got stiff or if she ever thought the impenetrable silence that seemed to follow her was awkward. He had only known Conya for a few months before he had been sent out of the country on duty, but he always thought she had been a different woman then. She had smiled then. She had laughed then. He could have sworn he had been envious of his brother, but when he returned, she had been a silent ghost.
He must have been remembering wrong or maybe the joy of a newlywed had made her gay for a while.
Nevertheless, he’d always held a concern and a love for his sister-in-law which had only strengthened after his brother’s death.
He couldn’t help notice her abnormally messy hair and her unmade face. The circles under her eyes and the red tinge where obvious signs that she had cried far more than she had slept last night. She gave a mournful sigh as she spread marmalade on her toast and glanced up at him. Somehow, she dredged up a shaky smile for him.
His heart hurt for her. “I’m doing something for him, Conya. Don’t give up hope.”
She studied him, her dark brown eyes seeming to burn into his skin. Biting her lip, she laid her hand, palm up, on the table, and he took it on a whim, pressing his lips to her fingertips. “I trust you, Obi. You’ve taken such great care of us. What would we do without you?” Her lips wobbled as tears filled her eyes.
He moved around the table and sat beside her, allowing her to lean her head against his shoulder. “You would figure out a way to survive. You might even do a better job with Lekan than I’m doing.”
She sniffled, tracing patterns on his chest as he rubbed her hair comfortingly. “Not with this mess. He’s gone too far this time. He’ll put us all in ruin on the path he’s going down.”
Ignoring the uncomfortable clench of guilt, Obi held her closer. “You don’t know that, Conya. He’s just mourning his father. He’ll come around soon.”
“He’ll be dead or in another country risking his life!” she wailed. “All for some silly adventure.” Unaware of the panicked look that crawled over his face, she slid from her chair to his lap, somehow maintaining the grace Obi had always admired, and thread her arms around his neck. She rested her head against her head against his shoulder.
Obi looked at the doorway, praying for a miracle. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten into this situation, and he didn’t need the staff talking. They already made speculations on how he’d gotten away with murdering the previous master. All he needed was someone talking about how he was taking advantage of the poor, distraught widow.
He grinned at Sefu who had waved the butler who had let him in away, gods bless him, and ignored the congratulatory smirk on his friend’s face. “Sefu,” he said, perhaps a tad too loudly because Conya jumped. “Glad to see you.” He helped Conya back into her chair, skimming over her face so he didn’t have to see the bewildered, slightly hurt expression on her face. “Er...” He studied her hair line, noticing a few grays in the brown. “Things will get better. You’ll see.” He gave her hairline a cheerful smile after the meaningless platitude and hurried off. “Let’s go to my office.” Glancing back at his egg, barely touched, he sighed. He’d had a good feeling about it too.
Sefu didn’t ask any questions which Obi was thankful for, but he still felt himself answering.
“Listen, Conya’s really upset about this entire ordeal.”
His friend’s face was composed as he nodded. “It’s understandable. Losing her son so soon after her husband can’t be easy.”
“Of course not, and as head of the household, it’s my job to care for her.” Obi could hear the snap in his voice before Sefu turned to him with a slow blink.
“It’s only responsible.”
“Exactly what I think!”
Frowning, Sefu turned his gaze to the pretentious stained glass window that was meant to boast wealth. “I’m not quite sure what you want from me.”
“I had no intentions,” Obi hissed and felt heat crawl up his neck as the other man scratched the back of his neck and cleared his throat.
“Well… I wasn’t going to accuse you of anything, but since you brought it up.” His mouth twitched at Obi’s groan. “You have to admit you’re getting very friendly with the widow under your roof.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Shrugging, he waited for Obi to open his study door. “Touchy this morning, I see.”
“Uncle Obi touchy? I don’t believe it.” Lekan strolled down the stairs directly across from the study. “What’s got his hackles up today?”
Sefu returned Obi’s glare with a grin, looking up. “Good morning. Obi’s having woman troubles.”
Letting out a breath through his teeth, Obi opened his study door, wondering if it was too early for a drink. “Sefu,” he warned as he flipped a switch.
“Stop being so grouchy. I can’t stand to be around you,” Sefu laughed as he sat in one of the cushy leather chairs Obi had added to what had been a sparse area for the estate accountant.
Peering out the doorway at the last moment, Obi called, “Lekan, your mother is still in the breakfast room.” He was glad to see his nephew had the sense to stiffen and turn away.
“Do you mind if I stay with you two until she leaves?” He allowed for a sheepish smile.
Being exactly aware of exactly what hour Lekan had stumbled in last night, Obi was surprised to see how bright eyed the boy was now. “Just ask for your meal here. It’ll make everything easier.” He tugged on the bell pull and waved at a chair as he sat behind his desk.
There was a dense silence as Sefu settled back and lit a pipe, ignoring Obi’s flat stare as a window was opened.
Lekan coughed as discreetly as he could manage as his eyes began to water. “…Not really woman troubles, right?” he asked as boldly and flippantly as he could. The truth was, he didn’t want his uncle to wed. He would put it past his uncle to make a favorable connection and get an estate of his own. Any father would take Obi Eshe as his son-in-law. Lekan knew enough to know that connections were everything, and even disgraced, Obi was powerful enough to only do an estate favors. Now, Obi had given Lekan a time of peace from the responsibilities that hung over his head. He didn’t want him to leave.
Women troubles were not tolerable.
Chuckling, Sefu nodded, blowing smoke towards Obi which left his friend in the throes of a coughing fit. “Indeed. You know the veiled woman?”
Obi’s glare morphed into a look of confusion as Lekan laughed.
“The whore?”
Obi shushed both men as a maid walked in timidly. “Lord Eshe would like his breakfast served in here, please.” He smiled blandly as she curtsied and left before pointing at Lekan. “She’s more than that. She’s got class. You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
Sefu nodded, impressed at how quickly Obi had caught on. “Your uncle certainly wasn’t.”
His head snapping towards Sefu, Obi narrowed his eyes as Lekan smothered horrified laughter.
“I bet I could get her.”
Obi scoffed. “You’re young and dumb. You know nothing.”
Leaning forward, Lekan opened his mouth then shut it again as the maid came in, burdened with a tray. The silence was thick as she set everything on the desk.
“Anything else, sirs?”
Obi had to admire how unflappable she was. She seemed completely unbothered by the awkward quiet in the room. “No. Thank you. You’re dismissed.”
Lekan paused in smearing preserves on his toast to meet his uncle’s gaze. “I bet I can get this whore because I’m prettier than you are.”
Obi’s smile was a cold one. “Then you’d better get started.”
When Lekan finally left, Obi stood by the window, a thin cigarette hanging from his fingers as he tapped ash behind the bushes. “Sefu?”
“Yes, Obi?”
“You’d be best to watch your back. I will not forget how you’ve made me look to my nephew.” A small smile tipped his lips and crinkled his face into kinder lines. “And you shouldn’t either. Revenge is a fun game to play.”
He wasn’t offended when Sefu merely laughed.
End of chapter
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Egs!
~ This is really wordy and hard to understand. Maybe rephrase?Shady back, actually giving you another review. I know, I know, it's weird me not waiting for vasts expanses of time between reviews, but I want to read more now rather than in a few months.
~ Haha, this entire exchange made me smirk. Obi is seriously adorable when he gets embarrassed. <3
~ Alright, all of your characters are absolutely adorable. Lekan is such a brat... but in a good way. At least, in a way that I appreciate. Probably in the same sense that I refer to myself as a brat, yet still have no motivation to stop being one. xD
~ Are you exactly sure about that?
~ Yes, yes it is.
~~~
I love all of your characters so much. Obi and Sefu are brilliant, playing poor Lekan into doing exactly what they wanted him to do-- especially while Sefu was still taunting Obi about the woman. It's just a very well done scene. Good job.
I've got nothing else helpful to say, so I'm not going to keep rambling.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review! Tired of me yet?
I know I've mentioned a lot about your world building already, but I'm going to mention more about it here. This is the fifth chapter. By know we should know a lot more about this world. I know that it is a monarchy since there is a queen and king. I know that there are cars, so it must be close to modern times. But what I don't know is what everything looks like. Obi has staff in his house and a cook to make him food. But what kind of house does he live in? Is he a monarch that lives in a castle? Or is he just a normal--for lack of better word--person who has a cook and staff to take care of him? I guess what I'm saying here is that a bit more setting would make this world more real to me.
I mentioned a few chapters back that there's a lot of dialogue in this story. I have come to the conclusion after reading on (man that sounded official) that the dialogue is something important. Why would you have all that dialogue if it wasn't after all? I think all the dialogue works well. Obi is a man that lives through his words it seems. He's always talking to someone, always sharing his plans and thoughts. Don't feel pressured to fix the dialogue or anything when you go back and edit. Keep it just he way it is.
Other than the comment about the setting, I have nothing else to say really. I'm quite enjoying reading this novel. I also like how Sefu mentions the veil. It feels like the veil is really coming into play in this story now, much more than it did before. It's not just us as the readers realizing it, but it's also the characters. I think that's a cool addition to the story.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
P.S. If Sefu tries to do anything to Qui'in I will punch him in the face.
Hey there Meg!
These chapters keep getting better and better. I have to admit, this one is my favourite ^.^ I think it was awesome that you shifted a bit more of the focus to Conya because I did feel like she was a character we hadn't seen much of. And now we know there is a little bit of backstory surrounding Obi, Conya and her deceased husband... ooh this will be interesting to find out :3 As well as this, there is also the friendly banter we are seeing between Sefu and Obi as well. You've been doing a great job when it comes to building character. I can't wait to read more of this c:
There was one part I didn't find too convincing... first, Obi is going on about how she used to be happier when she had her husband, and that he used to be jealous. And he almost seems to be thinking badly of her. The way you talk about the silence that ensues when she enters a room and the fact that she is always so stiff and polite doesn't seem too complimentary. Or at least, the way it's put. But then the next thing we see is that she's on his lap and they've possibly got this thing going on? Obi doesn't seem that against the idea, just worried about other peoples opinions. So, if Obi doesn't mind to much, why was he thinking of her so negatively?
Perhaps you should change up the tone a bit, make all those comments seem more positive. So, the silence that ensues and the etiquette just make her seem like she has a sense of power over the room, such ladylike gracefulness and gentleness that it seems to seep from her body. That she used to be so much more happier, and but she is still holding strong and hasn't lost herself since. That he needed to be jealous before, but now she is here, in his lap, and well, that's that xD Unless I am missing something and he really is only comforting her, maybe a change of tone would be useful ^.^
Speculations make it sound untrue immediately. Since I have an inkling this might be true, maybe use rumors or whispers. Speculations are based off nothing. Rumours are based off the he said she said, but are based off a truth primarily, no matter how twisted it gets
This was a complicated sentence. I got the essence of what you wanted to say though. How about: He grinned at Sefu was entering the room, and waving away the butler who held the door open for him. Obi couldn't help mentally thanking his friend, although he wanted to swipe the congratulatory smirk of his face.
I switched up some words a bit to make it fit, but you get it
You've got exactly here in the same sentence twice, and that seems a bit repetition. Cut one out, maybe? Or replace it with something else?
The pacing and dialogue in here is perfect
Deanie x
Hey again! Gosh you must be sick of seeing me by now XD
The only person who's personality I haven't gotten to know yet is probably Conya, but she's grieving so all good.
Anyway, see you next chapter! Keep it up and happy writing!

So there are spelling mistakes throughout the piece, a missing “s” when it's needed, an “s” when there isn't supposed to be one, mainly just small things like one letter mistakes that are probably typos.
I don't really have much to say, mainly because was too busy enjoying it. Obi's awkwardness with Conya was so fun to watch. He reminds me of someone that's mean and scary looking but just a teddy bear on the inside.
I have to say that up till now you have been steadily developing your characters. I feel like I've gotten to know everyone. Even the guy called Sefu! Wow. I still don't know what he's about though
Silverlock
Greetings my woefully neglected Warrior!
Last chapter I said that Obi was looking really flat. He's not as awesome as your other characters, but there is definitely an improvement here. I think seeing him in a situation that he isn't in control of is a great way to bring him to life. It feels like he needs to comfort her and to make things better, but that situation could have ended up so badly XD
In some parts it looks like you're trying to stuff a lot of ideas into small spaces, which makes some of the sentences clumpy and you miss out on really nice details. "Frowning, Sefu turned his gaze to the pretentious stained glass window that was meant to boast wealth" for example.
Sentences function best with only one subject, just like thoughts function best when you're thinking about one at a time. As soon as you start thinking two things at a time then you're multitasking, and so not really concentrating properly on either.
This is easy to fix. If both are equally important you chop it into two sentences: "Frowning, Sefu turned his gaze to the pretentious stained glass window. It was meant to boast wealth, and..." then continue with a bit more description. Other option is to chop out the extra detail, so that you only have one subject: "Frowning, Sefu turned to the pretentious stained glass window" in which case, the glass window is no longer a subject, but an object that he happens to be looking at.
Here's another one: "He grinned at Sefu who had waved the butler who had let him in away, gods bless him, and ignored the congratulatory smirk on his friend’s face." There's sooo much going on here. Obi grins, Sefu waves, butler lets him in, Obi ignores. That's like trying to juggle four different thoughts at once. The timestream also slips into rewind mode here, that was confusing to read.
I'm gonna do something really selfish now. See, the polite thing to do would be to add the positives to this review as well, you know, the whole 'critique sandwich' thing. I'll just ask you to trust me when I say this novel is *amazing* in so many different ways, and I really want to move onto the next chapter and pick it apart line by line to dissect how awesome it is. If you want me to come back and buff your ego I'll be happy to do so =]
That's ego buffing enough, thank you XP
Hi meg! I'm here to review your most recent chapter. And no, I did not see the name Lornya anywhere. So you are fine.
Nitpicks
Spoiler
This seems worded awkwardly. It just doesn't feel right. Are you kidding a letter, a comma?
Sefu is a funny name. It sounds like Sea food. I'm guessing this takes place in somewhat recent times, somewhere is the 1900's due to the fact he would rather a horse. I know that most people in the 2010's wouldn't long for a horse over a car. Of course, I doubt they are in America due to how things are spelled, so I wouldn't really know.
Lekan was his uncle to stay single so he can claim an estate? If the uncle does marry his mom, would Lekan be his son or still his nephew? That has always confused me.
Keep writing!
-lost
XD I guess I didn't realize how people would pronounce Sefu. Instead of pronouncing Se- like Sea, in my mind I pronounce the e like you would in meds.
The setting isn't actually in this world. I'll be honest, the setting is just kind of coming to me, so it's really foggy to me too. Teehee.
I appreciate all the reviews~
I really like your writing style. You're very descriptive and it helps me picture what's going on.
So, instead of critiquing the story itself, I'll point out some wording and grammar problems...
I think you should take out that first sentence. Her difference probably comes from her husband's death, not because she's no longer a newlywed.
This is a run-on sentence. Try breaking it up into two sentences.
I think you mean, "Your uncle certainly didn't." As in, "Your uncle didn't stand a chance." You could also say something like, "Your uncle certainly wasn't classy enough."
Like I said, though, I really like your writing style and I think you have an interesting story started.
I appreciate your compliments and the typos you've caught.
I don't want to reveal any spoilers, but Conya isn't upset about her husbands death. o.o
Thanks so much for the review.
I liked it. It continues the story well, I see no errors, and it is quite interesting. My only complaint is that is is just a tad bit long. Keep on writing!