z

Young Writers Society



Repaid

by Sassykat


There are not such here who yet choose to see.

The sheer blindness of men doth set me free.

No spirit is sincere disposed to care,

so can I slip away all unawares.

Nobody seeks to aught but lusty flaunt

ere share my pleasantries, terrors, and haunts;

Therefore, nobody will anticipate

my eminent self-imposed fate,

for there's one body, celestial tho't be,

sincerely seeking hope and sets me free.

All for One, yet all away; from this base,

heaven seems of the far distant-most days,

alas! So shall I cross many leagues thence

to my home, to my master, not to chance.

No, no: my fate is mine own, 'tis also

my adoration in righteousness show'd.

The life I spend be not of mortal make,

but of loves eternity--for that sake

I repay my debt to my All for One.

In hell's receipt: soul's filth pawn'd, lost and done.

Accept this sacrifice and be not wroth!

This filth be hard-won and lieth not in sloth.

I pray the Lord this night my blood to take,

for is't not thine indeed? Bid me not wake

'til after dawns a twilit star-gilt noon.

Still, then I fear the time would rise too soon.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
663 Reviews

Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate
Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:26 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger knight here to review for KotGR.
So I was actually quite excited when I saw the description and began reading. I haven't seen any poems before written Shakespearean way, and this one was pretty good. The oldness of it made it seem very real, and the use of bigger, older words always helps because it adds maturity to the poem. Now, I am not to good at punctuation so I don't know if you had any mistakes in that regard, but in your second-to-last line you have "star-glit
Typo:) But the only one I saw so good job. I look forward to seeing more of these types of poems, and I think you can write them quite well.
Keep it up!




User avatar
363 Reviews

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

Donate
Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:22 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Sassykat,DK here with review on your poem!
I really interested in the classic style of writing poems especially with William Shakespeare.It is apparent in the poem you have something like a classic writing style - hard to understand but have aesthetic value in terms of the language used.

There are not such here who yet choose to see.
The sheer blindness of men doth set me free.


I like the first part in the beginning of your poem. But over time I feel lost in terms of rhythm and consolidation mood inside. It's like a rough framework that I'm not sure if I'm greatly affected with the diction used.

Maybe because you're talking about death and hell, sacrifice / redemption is that makes me less pleased when reading it. I familiar with reading the classic poetry that is often lovely in every stanzas even though the hell he's talking about!

Anyway,I still love the last 2 lines in your poem,very breathtaking and wonderful to read.
'til after dawns a twilit star-gilt noon.
Still, then I fear the time would rise too soon.

Overall,this is actually a very wonderful poem to me,you just need to improve the rhythm. :)
Keep it up,kudos.
Cheers :D





Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg