In days when the blue sky makes sunshine appear small
My feet shuffle the curlicued playing cards of fall
I press freezing footprints in titanium-capped lawns
Dreading the day when the grass will be gone.
The hours between nights become fewer with time
While twilit clouds reflect the tress, glowing clementine
The world so awash in fine metals and fire
Is deceptive in her hues, the wind proves her a liar.
It washes away the glitter, exposing cold skin
And with each leaf I crunch I await Winter's end.
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140,692 Literary Works • 673,622 Reviews
that's a very good poem that i enjoyed reading , although i have some notes :
1-"twilit "i think it should be twilight .
2- "In days when the blue sky makes sunshine appear small
My feet shuffle the curlicued playing cards of fall
I press freezing footprints in titanium-capped lawns "
i think you should put comma after the last line and a point after the two first ones .
3-"While twilit clouds reflect the tress, glowing clementine" i think it should be trees .
for the theme i like it so much , and also the title so catchy and expressive .
keep writing
smile
I love the alliteration in the title. It's very pretty.
'While twilit clouds reflect the tress, glowing clementine
The world so awash in fine metals and fire'
I have chosen the two lines here which I think are the best from the piece. The use of adjectives and the style with which they are written is very impressive.
You have a very flowery style (matches your avvie, LOL) and it's easy and enjoyable to read.
I can see the images you describe in your poem clearly and that is a great thing to be able to make a reader do. Well done.
I would however suggest, a bit more use of punctuation throughout the poem, the endings of some lines could be a little bit neater.
Other than that... great job.
This is a really sweet poem Sassykat, and I know you can do more! how about construct a story, but write each chapter as a poem? Like "Weight of the Water" for example, if you've read it - because this has potential! Well done! ~AngelOfMusic