My Attempt at a Sonnet

Why hello there! Sonnets huh? They're haaaard. I had to write one not so long ago for my poetry class and I really struggled with it. You seem to have done an alright job here. As far as a Shakespearean sonnet goes, this is nice. Next time though, the challenge is to write something new! It's much more interesting if you take an old form and give it a new spin because the problem is, if I want to read a Shakespearean sonnet, I'm going to go read him or someone from his era who spent twenty years perfecting the art. The sonnet is still a good tool for modern writers but it might be better if you use modern language and move away from the traditional love themes or give them a new spin.

So I wouldn't advise editting this but you can if you like and either way, you might find these tips useful in your future poetry:

Woe is me, for I cannot love him more, [Now you could spice this up quite easily with just a few word changes. For example, it could become: 'Woe I am for my love may not expand,' of course you'd have to change other things to make up for the new rhyme but that's what you get with sonnets ^^]
Lest my heart burst with such intensity. [Oh dear. Your heart bursting would really hurt huh? It's a bit of an old image to be honest. Give your readers something fresh! I remember the first time I heard someone describe the heart as being like a suitcase, how you can only take so much baggage so you have to pick and choose and how it gets covered in labels. And that was so clever! I spent like weeks thinking about it. So come up with an image that will really stick in your reader's mind.]
The fire of passion burns within my core,
To weep with longing my propensity. [But you already told us how sad you are. Move on. We need new information each line, not old!]

I love in silence, hidden 'hind a mask
And smother my affections, so I try.
I pray to God that he should never ask,
For whatever reason, where they do lie. [The rhythm of this line is off, or rather the syntax. Try reading it out loud. You need one syllable less in the first half. You see you have six and that doesn't work here because you split the first into two fives which is always a much nicer flow anyway! And then you change it. Nooo. Stick with the flow you start at the beginning of the stanza. So this would work better as something like, 'For some deep reason, where they latent lie']

The end's alright. There's a nice bit of irony on the whole not telling him in case he leaves but of course the secret will drive them apart. I liked that, a good touch of wit. Well I hope this helps somewhat,

Heather xxx

Great Shakespearian sonnet, it would be cool if you tried at Petrarchian one next. But GREAT job, the only thing I would change is 'durst' that word just doesnt sound good. All in all 9.99999/10 Keep Writing!

This is really great! I'm not at all sure what a sonnet is but this is a very nice poem even if it doesn't reach the requierments for a sonnet.
I didn't see any things wrong with it and I really liked the style that you wrote in. I also loved the last stanza.
Great job

Keep writing,
Alzora

And beg, as like a street rat, he should stay./Humiliation, then, my being be.

I really liked this. I'm not really a poet/sonnet expert, so there was no mistakes that I could find. :3 Good job!

Don't take this wrong way but I found that very funny!

It is very well written and flows smoothly. (It almost sounds Shakespeare like...)

Keep writing,
~FW~