Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
He sleeps by me
And I weep for I know
He won't make it until
Dawn.
He coughs and I
For all my resolution
Quiver as "It" catches the light like
Daybreak.
His fists like steel
Know my cheeks and eyes
Too well, too warm, my tears too hot like
Noon.
He breathes deeply
I long for it to catch
To stop, to end the fear that comes with
Evening.
He is strong, though
I know this all too well
But "It" gives me strength, too, to be his
Sundown.
He does not wake
I scream at how easy it is
For "It" to make him as bloody and gray as
Twilight.
He will never stir
I relinquish "It's" handle
And loftily ponder how much can happen between 11:59 and
Midnight.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
First of all, I agree with ConverseFireGirl on two things:
1. That poem was amazing!
2. That poem could have used a couple touch-ups in the grammar department, because the absence of commas made it kinda hard to read in some sections.
And I feel sort of pathetic, as I'm having issues unmasking the identity of "It". Is "It" the disease? Is "It" love?! I'm floundering here, so some feedback would be much appreciated.
I was also thrown by the last four lines, which sound nice but feels like some sort of "insider information" that only makes sense to really smart people who understand the meaning of "It". And needless to say, I'm on the outside.
So why do I like the poem? You used some beautifully descriptive words (I especially loved 'quiver') and the poem painted a picture in my mind that that was solid, and real, and alive.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece, and I hope to see more from you in the future!
A great poem which also think is very easy to relate to i love the last stanza it's very interesting and shows a great understanding your poem as a whole. The structure of the poem is very good and i never had to re-read bit, i hate doing that in a poem. Overall your piece is outstanding i have no real criticisms and i hope you continue this standard.
Well done,
AP
A great poem, easy to relate with if you have been in this situation (which I have not) one thing I must say is that it seems you know an awful lot about this, which also shows your maturity. I applaud you on this and give you a sincere well done.
I hope that you will continue to do more like it. Sorry I had to do it again I accidentally didn't put it as a review, gotta get them points. LOL
A great poem, easy to relate with if you have been in this situation (which I have not) one thing I must say is that it seems you know an awful lot about this, which also shows your maturity. I applaud you on this and give you a sincere well done.
I hope that you will continue to do more like it.
I just read over this and I thought that this was a well-written poem. I thought that when you used the short sentence fragments, it made it more dramatic and serious. Although this is a terrible situation to be in, I thought that when you used the different times in a day, it made the poem more abstract and made it more of a metaphor. The times are in order which make the poem seem that she waits for night or midnight to approach. The way that you use "It" makes the poem more dark. Just one little thing, though. I thought that the ending was a bit odd because it seems to differ from the rest of the poem. Other than that, I thought you had a great poem. Great work!
Hey there! A review for youuuu!
You really deserve to be on the spotlight for this.
Overall, this piece of work is well written and well thought.
I particularly like how you've sort of moved the reader through different times of day, as it gives the reader almost a sense of being there and actually observing.
A few little improvement ideas...:
"He sleeps by me
And I weep (as) I know"
"He coughs and I(,)
For all my resolution(,)"
"He breathes deeply(,)"
I really love this though, when I read it the second time through, I was like WHAAAAT, as I realized that- no, I don't want to spoil it for others, but seriously, the way you've written that bit is so well done!
The more I read this, the more I like it.
Great work!
-CFG