You've lost everything,
You only want to flee.
Calm down, and be assured;
You will never lose me.
When things tumble down around,
Just keep your eyes on mine.
I'll hold you tight until it's gone,
Then wipe your tears because you've been cryin'.
Sweetest, dearest, tender love,
You know I'll be there for you
whenever you need me.
Just tell me what I need to do.
I'll stand by you through trials,
Inside your mind or otherwise.
I'll hold your hand throughout it all,
Until each unpleasant thought dies.
I wish only a touch could clear your mind,
that I could relieve your pain that fast.
I will do whatever it takes, though,
I'll love you until I breathe my last.
I want critiques! It makes me sad that people don't/can't critique in the NaPo forum.
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140,530 Literary Works • 673,402 Reviews
This is such a sweet poem. I'm glad you feel this way. I wish everyone would. Life would be so much easier. But, of course, life's not fair, and it's hard.
Now the nitpicks:
Overall, good job. I think the main issue is just making it all flow right. Then, once it does, it will be an outstanding piece! Keep it up!
I am crying! *What is wrong with me?*
Very well written good job! Keep it up!
Though a poem this would make a very good song.
Keep writing,
~FW~
You've lost everything,
You only want to flee. I think the rhyme 'flee' sounds a little hokey
Calm down, and be assured;
You will never lose me. 'I love these last two lines
When things tumble down around, around... what?
Just keep your eyes on mine.
I'll hold you tight until it's gone,
Then wipe your tears because you've been cryin'. forced rhyme...
Sweetest, dearest, tender love, I like this, it's sweet
You know I'll be there for you cliche
whenever you need me.
Just tell me what I need to do.
I'll stand by you through trials,
Inside your mind or otherwise.
I'll hold your hand throughout it all,
Until each unpleasant thought dies. add dome more imagery to this stanza
I wish only a touch could clear your mind,
that I could relieve your pain that fast.
I will do whatever it takes, though,
I'll love you until I breathe my last.
Hi there, Sassykat. I'm here to review. I'll add my thoughts in here, in red.
And no more nitpicks, sadly. The flow is brilliant and the imagery is beautiful, if bittersweet. I adore it. *clicks like* I think it's a wonderful, if somewhat sad poem. And it's brilliant. Thank you for the bittersweet and brilliant poetry. I'd love to see more. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
I like this poem!
you should consider to maybe change -cryin'- into something that rhymes better
other than that: It's great
Hello there.
This is a very good poem and I love it. I liked your concept and it had a good flow to it but the rhymes were forced at some places. That was the only thing which made it a bit weird to read at times but all in all it was good.
Some things that I noticed:
Things tumble down around? I think it should be tumble down and around. What do you mean by it in the third line? It is a bit confusing? And in the third line the rhyme was totally forced actually mine and cryin' didn't even rhyme. And if you are wiping the tears then we can understand that he crying.
Here, by trials, do you mean court trials? The second line could a bit jumbled. It could have been like this: or inside your mind otherwise.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:
Hi! Iceprincess here to review today.
While this is a sweet poem, the metre/rhythm is not quite right. I'll figure it out where the problem is sooner or later, but I'll just talk about other stuff now.
The rhyme scheme in this whole poem is ABAB, so "mine"/"cryin'" puts me off a little. Also, the last sentence has a few problems: a) "because you've been crying" is redundant, because unless tears is a metaphor for sweat, tears usually are a product of crying; and b) there are a few beats too many.
I adore love poems, and throughout my years of perusing them, I've found that this particularly beautiful subject can be easily fall into the quicksand pool that is clichés. Your poem is a living, breathing cliché, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad; it means you need to convey your message through more original means. This has potential, and so do you. Take a couple of minutes off and take a stroll through the woods; leave this poem and pursue another poems; and when you feel like it, come back to this poem and renew it with your experience and expertise. Keep writing, and if you have any questions, feel free to leave a message on my profile or directly PM me.
-Iceprincess.
Awesome poem I really loved it ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing
Soulkana<3