Tangerine-lit sky
Reflecting in his eyes,
Complimentary to blue,
Deepening their hue.
His skin, already gold,
Melting in the mold
Of my hands, pale and bright
Chilled with the coming night.
His handsome face,
Imperfect, but laced
With an inner allure;
Exposure to which can be cured
Only by this kiss I know is coming.
He is humming
My favorite song
And I wonder how long
It will be before he kisses me,
He's so close and I can see
It in his eyes he wants it.
I just have to lean a little bit....
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Aw, this is cute! I agree, in a few places the rhyme threw off the flow, but really, it's a very cute, sweet, short and descriptive piece. Nice job.
My problem with rhyming poetry is that you have to do it right, or it sounds sing-songy, which was kind of the problem in this one. It has a word choice and rhythm that make it sound sort of amateurish (oh darn, now I'm being mean
). I really think the rhyme scheme here was holding you back, that's all. Really this isn't a bad poem, but these are mistakes I've made a lot in the past, and my own mistakes are ones that irritate me more than anyone else's. So this is why I'm being a critical person.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
I would make a few nitpicks but Im not in the mood, too lazy at this moment. All I will say is it doesnt quite flow, a lot of starts and stops when I read it, but otherwise a good poem, i like how you worded it and the way you set the poem up, and the expression in the poem was great. If I had to rate it I'd give it a 7 out of 10, a good poem, I liked it a lot! Keep Writing!