let me tell you a story
of a girl who was taken advantage of
and how she came to be
what she swore she'd never turn into
it's a simple tale,
she was selfless, genuine and sweet
and not once did she fail
to give everything she could
she met a dark stranger
with a rich, dark passion in his eyes
she was drawn to his danger
and ignored every single red flag that waved
a stereotype romance
he was troubled and angry and feirce
and took every chance
acted on every one of his impulses
she held him upright
for a time, anyway, before she began to slip
the edge, just in sight,
she was suddenly hanging from it by her last nail
he looked her dead on,
his brown eyes into hers, strikingly blue,
and then they were gone,
lost in the fall of emotion that engulfed mostly her
he had already hit the ground
a shell of his former self dragging her down with him
and at the bottom she found
him reunited with his deeper, hidden self
she tried to run
but a fall like that isn't something
you can walk away from
but lord did she try and try and try
but she'd already given
everything she could, and even shouldn't have,
her mind was driven
too far to care about herself anymore
with every serenade
his specter sung into the tips of her hair
she was more afraid
than ever she had been before in her life
terrified, she did everything
she possibly could to escape the guilt
and her own fading
sense of right and wrong and desire
still his relentless
fingertips grasp at the hem of her skirts
and lustfully caress
the waist of her jeans, searching for the way in
and she, still so sweet,
feels unworthy of the love and respect she could have
if only she could see it
but she won't look away from the floortiles
responsibility weighs on her
like his body once did in a moment of passion
unrestrained, uncensored,
she knows it must certainly be her fault
and if she walks away
what will become of the other girls in the world
the next victim, or two or three
she couldn't possibly let that happen
is it so much to ask
in this world of seven freaking billion people
to find someone who's not a jackass
who won't abuse the privileges that come with being loved
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi, Sassy,
This is a really stunning poem because it speaks out against something that should not be nearly as common as it is. Girls are getting too comfortable these days with settling for someone who isn't everything they should be for them and it's nice to see someone exemplify this.
I like that you're kind of telling a story here but the way you've structured it is a little to ambiguous; you should either make this a narrative (which I'm completely in favor of; I think this would make such an excellent narrative) or a poem. To make it a poem, however, would require a lot more flowery prose and such and I don't think this needs that. The beauty of the piece lies in its simplicity. I'm not one to go through and nitpick every little grammatical error but you may want to go back and review comma placement and maybe a few periods here and there wouldn't hurt either; it's coming off as kind of a run-off sentence. Either way, this is great and I hope to see more from you soon!
Very emotional! Great job with the story telling! I liked how you held so much imagery in so little words, as well as how simple the word choice was but how complex the story is. I like how you continued the previous thought of the last stanza and put it in the first line of the next. It tied the lines together, and made the thoughts seems less separate. It continued the train of thought a reader would have, and gave a storytelling feel to it.
One problem I had with the poem was the way the stanzas are cut up. A few stanzas seemed a bit wordy without being separated.
"What she swore she'd never turn into/it's a simple tale"
I feel like simple tale part should be a new stanza because it is a new thought, and if you keep the lines together, it can confuse the reader or seem wordy and distract them from the meaning of the poem.
I also believe that you should put periods at the end of stanzas that don't continue to the next one because it leaves it open ended and looks like the thought in each stanza has not ended.
Overall great job! The story was compelling and full of emotion and feeling. Loved it!
Do you think you could help me with the stanza thing? It's a formatting issue I haven't figured out yet, when I submitted it it was in neat little stanzas that made sense and you could even tell where there was a rhyme pattern but when it's actually published it does the run-on thing.
Yeah! I had the same problem! The two "<>" on the editing software should help. It's some sort of code for the works. There's a code for a space. It's should be different than the other parts and pretty visible. I can't remember it right now. But doing that whenever you want a space should work! It's a bit tedious if you want to make a lot of stanzas but it's worth it!
Hello! Happy Review Day!
First off, I like how this poem tells a story, and an important one that needs to be told. I like poetry that has meaning and poetry that makes me feel something, and this one not only brought forth emotions but also made me stop and thin after I finished reading it, which I think is one of the things that poetry is supposed to do.
I also liked the narrative style of the poem, it was easy to follow and understand and I knew exactly what you were trying to say, which I think in this poem was important.
However, at the same time this might have been a little too narrative. To be honest it looked like it was written in prose and then just broken into shorter lines so that it would look like poetry. See, the beauty of poetry is that you can condense and cut things out. Every word is important, so you get to be extra picky about which words you choose. I think the biggest change to help with this would be to work on the beginning a little bit more.
Don't tell us that you're telling a story. Just tell it. Start off right away and draw me into the poem with the very first words instead of explaining the 'simple tale'. Just tell it!
However, after the first stanza you added some really nice imagery. "Hanging by her last nail" "falling emotion" "shell of his former self" all of this brought in so much emotion and added so much to the poem; it was beautiful. I hope this helps, keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions or comments.