Hi darling! Here to review you
there is some cold condensation on the windows.
morning dew, i suppose, brought in by clouds
creeping up on houses as they slept and dreamt
so wonderful and peaceful on the narrow city streets.
I feel like this stanza is very out of place compared to the rest of the poem. It doesn't fit in with the others, and I feel like you don't really need it at all. I would consider putting it aside for another poem, because it's very good, but I don't think it fits this particular one.
all too soon, too early, far too young to be a corpse.
all too soon and too early is a little bit repetitive for my taste.
you are far too young to be a corpse, so listen:
find the sparks of life within you,
and make them into some quintessence of living,
instead of this meagrely-tolerated existence.
This is when I really start loving this poem. You've turned it into something uplifting, and I love that.
find your life, and make it your own,
trembling shades of green under your thumb
and reeds whistling in your mind so you walk
with that spring in your step and leave flowers in your wake.
I feel like this is another stanza that doesn't quite fit. In it's own right, it's gorgeous, but it almost feels like you're trying to hard to make that plant metaphor live on in the poem instead of letting it die softly in the background. Because it might, in your head, be the highlight, but it's not. It's more of a background image that enhances what I actually feel the poem focuses more on, finding warmth in the winter/ in yourself.
you are far too young and fast and pretty for a corpse;
i would hardly believe you dead if i knew not otherwise.
you are a frozen beauty in winter, and yet
it would be a shame to die without life, would it not?
This is truly my favorite stanza in the whole thing, I absolutely love it! The second one is definitely my favorite.
I loved it! I have nothing more to say besides the nitpicks above. Keep up the good work!
-Spark
Points: 2099
Reviews: 355
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