Young Writers Society

Hmm...

Sadness is what comes to my mind...

I like the poem, though the top two lines almost fight, to me anyways....

I like the whole poem, and I hope it was a little longer, so we could feel the emotions, and wants, etc....

Overall it's nicely done!

Well, nice job!

Happy Review Day 2013 June!

Thanks!

Team Fire Flower!

pegasusgirl2

Hi there, demib, I'm Juniper,

Even though this poem opens with a redundant couple of lines, I like it. The shortness of this poem is refreshing, especially because it's not labored by excessive metaphor and clunky, uneven lines. The fourth and fifth lines in this are my favorite because they are simplistic and elegant, but paint a picture all the same. In most cases, I would tell you that I want to see more because I don't have any clue about the story behind this poem, and I'm aching to know, but all the same, I would hate to see it dragged out. I'm not sold on the final four lines of the poem; I feel like it could all be said in a much cleaner, concise format.

Happy review day,
June

I love how you structured the poem. I think it's a crazy good pattern. The only thing that bothers me is your frequent use of commas. You could try to minimize the commas if you want. I imagine this poem as a single sentence...you could try putting the commas as it would appear in a single sentence. Just my advice.

I like the message of the poem. I think it's nice and sweet. It delivers a sense of loneliness and tranquility. It's a little simple, but I think it's cute in that way.

You did a remarkable job! Keep writing.

I love how you structured the poem. I think it's a crazy good pattern. The only thing that bothers me is your frequent use of commas. You could try to minimize the commas if you want. I imagine this poem as a single sentence...you could try putting the commas as it would appear in a single sentence. Just my advice.

I like the message of the poem. I think it's nice and sweet. It delivers a sense of loneliness and tranquility. It's a little simple, but I think it's cute in that way.

You did a remarkable job! Keep writing.

Hmm, I think the poem should be broken up a lot more. In its current state, it's only one stanza, many of the verses are too split up where as they would do better combined. You clearly were going for quantity of quality. Not a very good thing, but it's not big deal. Here's how I would write this:
"I thought, I assumed,
That everyday,
From when the sun would rise,
To where the night would fall,
That you would be right by my side."

"Laughing, loving, living with me,
But now I guess that dream won't come true.
'Cause between you and me,
This is the last time."
See, it could have been broken up into two stanzas with the combined verses. Or atleast I see it that way. Hope you find this useful!
~Dark.

I'd like to see you break away from end line punctuation. There are some really cool things you can do with lines if you don't leave punctuation at the end of each line. Also, it doesn't really seem like it should read with us pausing at the end of every line, for instance take "That you would be,/Right by my side..." instead of "That you would be/right by my side."

I can clearly see that you are beginning each line with a capitalized letter and ending with a punctuation mark, but today poems come in all shapes and sizes! It's not necessary for poems to end with punctuation or to begin with a capitalized letter. Personally I feel like this poem would do better without that strict old poetic formal style. Instead, break away and find your own style that works for you.

Overall, I'd like to see some more similes or metaphors in this poem. I feel like you could do something really strong with the idea of the sun rising and the night "falling" which is a really unique way to say things. Typically it is the sun and the moon instead of the sun and the night. Still, I like the unique idea of the night falling, which really seems to be either talking about the same time, dusk, or dawn when the night bleeds from the sky.

nice and cute poem.......ending is nice........hearttouching. i like it. beautiful poem.