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140,401 Literary Works • 673,157 Reviews
This poem has a very sad, melancholy feel to it. But, I enjoyed the imagery you used to paint the picture for the reader. Your word choice could have been a little stronger, but it flowed nicely for a lyric poem, as this one is. Also, the reader is turned off by the excessive use of commas at the ends of lines- your mechanics probably need just a slight bit of tweaking.
However, this was not a bad poem. I actually thought it was quite good, and these are just suggestions on how you could improve it.
Au revoir,
-xxFleetingEternity
Hey! What a lovely piece this is! And thus, I shall give a review for it! SHAZAM!
First, I would like to commend the very beautiful use of the object, the butterfly, to symbolize grace, freedom and other serene things. Although it's a bit cliche already, I think the use of it here is well executed. Also, I love how the whole piece is bound by the term 'metaphor', because everything is well-represented by the butterfly.
The weakest link in this piece, I think is the coherence. Let's take the first stanza as an example:
The first three lines are acceptable, but using it's the cradle as the next line breaks the serene flow of the stanza. Also, I don't see why put it there as you were trying to describe the butterfly. So, maybe an edit here, dear?
This is almost a good stanza. The only problem is the reason behind why Grace is no longer beautiful. I know it's because of the darkness, but what ACTUALLY happened? There's no insight about it. If you really want to keep it that way, try using 'lost it's beauty' or another verb instead. With it, even the line is without explanation, readers will be distracted with the imagery. Also, 'but' is a bit strange there because you're not entirely comparing anything.
This, my dear, is one of your strongest stanzas. If you'd like to edit, why not steady this one more?
Well, that's all I can say for now. It's a good piece. It just needs some edit here and there and viola! A masterpiece! Good luck!
Happy writing!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf