The Kiss of my Life
The kiss was so fine,
And he was all mine,
He was 29 and I was 26,
I did it just for the kicks.
The kiss was so kind,
And I didn't mind,
I was still somehow 26 and he was 39,
I think I only did it because he gave me wine.
The kiss was strange,
I feel like he is not in my range,
He turned 49 and I was still 26,
His face reminded me of a bag of ticks.
The kiss was so horrendously bad,
Now I'm extremely mad,
He came back when I was still 26 and he was...69,
His once beautiful face turned disgusting, I can never keep my head in a straight line.
So I said,
I will laugh when you are dead.
One more kiss from me, you will be flayed alive,
You will shrivel like a prune and I will thrive.
I'm a demon my dear,
I enjoy putting you in total fear.
I drain you of 13 years for every kiss,
I live in utter bliss.
One more,
Hellhounds well chew you down to the core,
Just one more,
You can be such a whore.
I know you want the last kiss of miserable life,
You cheated 4 times on your wife,
Take the kiss, for hell isn't that bad,
You're wife will be a tad bit sad.
So he took the last kiss of his life,
I took a picture of his wife with a knife,
The poor guy was in such a strife,
Well he did cheat on his wife.
About four times in his life.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Okay, up front i want to say that i really like the concept of this poem and the vengeance in the speakers voice, the way we don't know her intent right away, and how it seems like she's experimenting with different guys opposed to her age at first. she gets it all at once before we realize she's controlling it, and that's a nice shift.
that being said the rhyming needs to go. it is silly. you are playing to the rhyme instead of the story, and you are losing any tone that the story might have because of your forced rhymes. it's a dark piece. it's a revenge piece, and it's like you're wrapping up a big old book of black magic with hello kitty wrapping paper by using childish rhymes like strife and life and knife. come on! let's make it better.
also~
you need to make the shift more slowly so it doesn't seem as jarring. right now, it's like SUDDENLY I AM A DEMON, where i want it to feel like, haha i was a demon all along, and you kind of knew but you didn't care and that's exactly why i'm going to kill you. so give us some hints in the beginning, slow us into the revelation and it will be a lot more fun and scary and natural.
i think, though, that a lot of good substance will come of this if you leave behind the jail of the rhyme, okay? lemme see it if you post a second version, and message me if you have any questions.
good luck. keep writing. push on.
This poem was definitely not one of my best but i decided to see what others think so i really dont mind you saying it sucks lol
I'm not sure how old you are, but this poem seemed a bit middle grade. Not to be rude, I would never say harsh things about anyone's writing. First, let me start by saying that rhyming isn't everything. Personally, if I try to hard to rhyme, the poem loses meaning. I feel like you tried really hard to make the stanzas flow, and it actually caused them to disrupt. The visual concept is there, I could picture the man getting older. The concept overall is interesting; just try to embrace the poetic nature and the meaning, instead of using blatantly emotional lines because it throws people off. As a writer, you can ignore whatever I say, don't think that I am automatically right, because it's only my opinion.
As always, keep writing.
You guessed correctly and I take no harsh feelings. Really I enjoy people telling me what is wrong with my poem and what isnt. You have no need to worry on how I feel about what you say. I thank you for your info and i will fix it as soon as it comes to mind.