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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Demi!
Nice, poem! It was sad and... Well, emotional. I loved it. Though, it was very repetitive and the arrangement of the paragraphs aren't even. In a poem, it needs to be even, or in between, a line comes in, and then continue... You have to fix that.
And in most sentence I read, "unfaithful" comes in. And here :
It is "your" heart.
Also, you might want to shorten this paragraph because its too big. :
So, how about this way? It would be much better and appropriate for the poem:
Though here, "General" doesn't get along, because "LIFE" has been written which is basically general. How about put "Life" at the end, and replace something with the second word?
Overall: I loved it! It really bought in the emotional feelings and apologies in this poem and I think you're a wonderful writer!
Keep Writing ~! ^.^
Cookie 8D
Hello there, Demib! I'm Rosie, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!
If you disagree with anything I"m going to say, feel free to disregard it and keep this the way it is. Your personal opinion towards your work is what will set you and your work apart from anything else out there, so it's very important to never let it go.
Overall, this is a wonderful piece of work. I can really feel your angst and pain towards the person you're asking forgiveness, and it makes me identify with you. As someone who has a few regrets, I understand what wanting forgiveness is, and this poem represents what it is very well. Great work there.
That being said, I do have a few pointers. Don't worry; I can usually offer my opinion on anything, no matter what (I even find myself critiquing published writers' work while I'm reading it).
One thing that I noticed about this poem and am not entirely in love with is how many times you've used the word unfaithful. Yes, I realize that the title of the poem is "Unfaithful to You," but I still feel like it's a tad overdone. When a writer uses a word as many times as you've done here, I find myself counting the number of times the word's been used rather than focusing on how amazing the actual writing is. If I were you, I'd look up "unfaithful" in a thesaurus and incorporate a few synonyms into this piece to mix it up a bit.
Second, this poem is slightly too choppy for my liking. I love the choppiness at the very end, but at the beginning, I feel like it's simply too broken up and wish that it flowed better. So, if I were you, I might combine a few of the sections and work on arranging them so the flow of your writing is accentuated.
Even there are a few things about this poem that I'm not in love with, there's one thing that I absolutely adore: the feeling of this poem. It's desperate, but not in a whiny way, and it's full of turmoil and repentance. It's also raw. I love it!
All in all, amazing work. Keep at it! If there's anything else you need reviewed now or in the future, please feel free to message me or post a link to my wall.
Best wishes, and always keep writing!
-Rosie