Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
there’s a painting in the hallway
that won’t hang straight
no matter how many times i fix it
(i always try to straighten it though)
i grew my fingernails out for you
and when they cut them
i was sure they’d bleed
but they didn’t
(but it hurt)
this window looks out at the ocean
and i watch all it touches
sand glass concrete
and all it envelops
(and all who float face down)
they tell me i’m crazy
but you smile
and tell me about a crazy man you knew
(you say i’m nothing like him)
i’m counting the red and yellow cars
that pass outside my window
(so far i’ve only seen black and white)
midnight never held much silence for me
and flashes from passing cars
dance across the room
(i haven’t noticed them recently)
there are days
when laughter echoes in my head
i’d turn on music
but they only give me earplugs
(i think i can still hear it)
remember the time
you killed that bug
then raised it to your face
to look at the wings
but it was still twitching
(twitch)
you looked into my sketchbook
and saw it was filled with
drawings of cigarettes
(there’s one of a knife too)
some days i write notes to myself
on my arms
so i don’t forget
(they’re all perfectly straight)
i always liked to think that
my fingers were straight
but they’re not
(the middle ones curve out)
there’s not enough space
on my arms
to write all these notes to myself
(even though they’re all still straight)
your knuckles were always wrinkled
and mine have always been dimpled
(note to self)
they say there’s a puzzle waiting for me
downstairs
but i don’t want to do it without you
(i’d rather watch the ocean)
---
(Inspired by Pearl's Girl)
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi fort!
So I don't know why, but this poem really struck a deep emotional chord within me, and before I knew it, my mascara was running. Hang on, I better go catch it.
The details are lovely and very clear and intimate. It really conveyed something lurking beneath the surface that just throbbed to the surface in the way the narrator viewed the world.
I really don't have that much criticism for this, but I should leave some, so I'll take a moment to try to nitpick
So I know this is poetry, but I think a cool thing to do would to be making the parts that aren't in parenthesis a bit more like prose in the way that they are able to be read without the parentheses. As they are, reading straight through, they feel a little disjointed, which makes sense from the point of the narrator, but maybe it would be an interesting thing to do. Maybe it would show that the narrator still holds this illusion of normalcy even though her mind is going down the drain.
I'm not too hot on your use of "they," though in the instances in which it is used, the person or people in question is pretty obvious, so you don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to, but I always try to avoid making "they" the subject of a sentence.
But really, fort, this hurt to read (in a good way), and I'm happy to say that you got an emotional response from at least one of your readers. Excellent job. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Merry poeting, and happy fahrvergnügen!
Hello [in old spice voice]~
I think this is a pretty good example of a compartmentalized mind. It does a good job of following the mindset of someone going a bit barn-sour, to put it mildly. They're just so ready to be out of there and not dealing with this nonsense any more. You can really see this in these lines.
and
I think if you wanted to improve something, it would be to work on some of these things in parenthesis and a little more connectivity between a couple of the stanzas. For instance, the message about the world outside of the window. It's a little too far gone for me to completely understand. The only thing I can think is that the narrator thinks of the window as creating a 2D plain and that's why everything touches the window.
I like this repetition of the "you" figure because it sort of shows the loneliness this person is experiencing while they're trapped. I would make more of the side-notes notes to this person, or at least more connecting to the same thing. I do like "note to self" and those sorts of moments in the poem where the narrator knows there is a reader and acknowledges them. It could also help with the connectivity of the poem.
Overall I don't have much to say. It is a bit disconnected when the narrator starts talking about the physical world instead of the world that's in their mind. I'd say that's alright for what's going on, but you might want to play with a bit more styling, like maybe if it is something real, put it in the middle, a little closer to the personal notes? Then the personal notes on the far side and the completely imagination driven right where you have it.
I don't really have much else to say about this one <3
-Aley
Hello!
For me, the best part of this work was its structure, the disjointed-ness of how it reads that gives insight into the 'speaker's state of mind. It almost doesn't make sense, but it does. At the same time, I have a feeling that the frequency of the side thoughts somehow take away from their significance. There are some lines you can dispense with and still not lose any value from the piece as a whole :
or
Also
Perhaps you may consider adding commas to . It reads better that way.
Thank you!
Fortis,
This is damn near perfect. I read the first four lines and gave it a like because I knew that I would love the rest and I did, so much I did. I'm trying to pick out a favourite stanza and I'm honesty just loving them all. Amazing work.
Keep expressing.
-Percybeth