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LMS V: Children with Stars in their Veins



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👑 Children With Stars in their Veins
First Instalment of the Trueblood series


You're entering Stellarsyl, in the Three Thousandth, One Hundred, and Second Year, but that isn't where this story began.

It began sixteen years preceding, when the first of the Six was stolen from her crib in her frozen keep, brought to the nonpartisan Chronicler's Guild, and a new baby put in her place. It continued henceforth, with the subsequent trading of infants of the remaining four kingdoms. There was only one mistake made during these switches: the mercy of a second child who should not have lived to see her first birthday.

Thus set off the story of the stolen children, and how the Six came together.



👑 Introduction


If you were to ask a citizen of Stellarsyl about where the truebloods came from, you would receive wildly varying accounts. Some will tell you that the Lands were created and four people were delivered who could wield unlimited magic, gifted to them naturally, but bloodlines were muddied when new, ungifted people sailed to Stellarsyl and forged new settlements and relations of the original four, that truebloods of today are those who are descendants of the ones of the First. Most nobles will tell you this is untrue, that there were, indeed, four First men, but only two of them had the gift of natural magic, though many will argue they only claim this to further the divide between class. The more fantastical and spellbound will tell you the eight demigods created the island and made their kingdoms, but quickly grew bored and lonely in their separate dominions, and thus created the First men. In their recounting, the trueblood are descended from them.

In truth, nobody knows where the truebloods came from, and the passage of time dulls most curiosities. The only acknowledged fact of those with truebloods is that they are the undisputed rulers of their territories. This has been the way of things for centuries. Anyone who holds an ounce of doubt in trueblood rule need look no further than three Ruins of the Fallen, once mighty kingdoms that crumbled when their trueblooded heads were severed from the body, whether it was from an assassin's sharpened blade or fanciful ideas of reformation.

Every child of a trueblooded ruler undergoes a blood ritual at their coming of age ceremony, in which their blood is tested to prove their heritage and their destiny to their subjects and the Lands. A child comes of age at seventeen.

"Not one of the current trueblooded ruler’s children would pass their blood rituals."


👑 Setting


The setting of Starry Veins is the union of a classic fantasy world with steampunk elements, the marriage of magic and technology coexisting.

Stellarsyl is an expanse country surrounded by the Three Seas: the Northern Sea, the Ocean of Mirrors, and the Silken Sea, to the north, southeast, and west/southwest respectively. In the northern waters of the Silken Sea is the Viridian Isle, which hosts one of the five renowned, archaic kingdoms, governed by trueblooded rulers.

The most primal of the kingdoms, the Saltwater Kingdom is built off the land, beautiful if not rough-hewn architecture, buildings of wood with husk for roofs. The largest building is said to be the Queen's Hall, which is capable of withstanding hurricanes that hit the island and housing much of the island's population. The most communally driven of the five kingdoms, with gardens raised by all capable hands and a great and expansive trade, and the strongest in maritime ventures.

On the mainland are the remaining four territories. To the west, the sprawling kingdom of Summermount, in the middle of the Ruby Desert. Surrounded by glistening, smooth sandstone walls to keep all those unwanted out of the kingdom, be it the bandits who would brave the unforgiving barrens or the beasts that prowl the sands at night. Beautifully sculpted architecture of pale limestone, the envy of many a traveller, with many teardrop dome roofs that glisten the deepest shades of blue, green, and gold. Temples of worship and safe haven speckle the city, and open marketplaces fill the roads with colour. None so exquisite as the Sun’s Palace, however, filled with marble and curling designs of breathtaking detail. Droughts are nothing to blink at, however, and sometimes even the greatest oasis's fall victim to the Sun's harsh gaze.

In the great and bitter north lies the Divine Tundra, and Glacier's Keep. The largest, unassailable stronghold in Stellarsyl and cold as the lands around it, none but those native and those of considerable make can last out the nights here, though should one be allowed entrances, the hearths are large enough to stand comfortably in (not that you should chose so, lest you find yourself devoured by flame). The city in the keep is less fortified, but elegant in it's own right. Much of the design is that of coliseum structured and stacked buildings of a dark, monochromatic grey that ice covers like ivy. The streets are cobbled with mottled, non-patterned stones. Sharp, steep roofs of nigh indestructible materials keep the snow from building up and collapsing buildings. The Wolf's Hearth serves both as throne room and gathering hall, interwoven with braziers and carved sections filled with charcoal to keep the fire burning hot and the atmosphere comfortable. Here is a great dining chamber, overlooked by a tall, broad dais where the trueblooded family watches over their people.

The fourth of the great kingdoms is Chromium, the entrance of which is to the east. You will find no towering palaces built to reach to the sky, though this is the largest of the five kingdoms. Beneath the earth dwells the massive city that could make the tallest person feel like a flea. Carved into the stone itself, the kingdom is a monolithic system of roads and sectors. Veins of ore can be see in the raw, untapped walls that connect with the block-like, defined angles of the buildings. It is the richest and more monumental of all the kingdoms, but has fallen second in the race of technological advancement. There is less order, however, with a little monarchy spread so far over such vast province, and law is shakier here. Chromium is where the most sinful find welcome shelter, with such an inconsistent and fallible radar under which to hide.

To look over the lands for the fifth kingdom would yield no results. It is to the sky one must look, with hands shading their eyes, to see the marvel of Heaven's Keep. Often called the Rainbow City, this kingdom finds welcome amongst the clouds and the stars. A truly wonderful city that looks almost like crystal under the sun. Buildings enchanted with prisms to glitter in the light, gold and ivory to gild and weave through the city with stunning precision. Sharp, severe buildings fill the city, and those who do not have stained glass windows are those who openly declare their destitution. The minds and hands of Heaven's Keep have quickly overtaken Chromium in the technological race, and it is home to the flourishing Inventor's Guild. Clockwork sentries patrol the streets, marbled statues of gryphons and lions and great beasts guard the most fortunate in the kingdom. Great ships that sail the clouds and winds dock and hover around the city until a journey is given to undertake. Many daring citizens even seek to enhance themselves through installed wires and whirring gears, or to simply add more aesthetic or appeal.

There is much of the land, however, the kingdoms do not lay a claim to. These are the Wilderlands, and travellers know to stay on the industrial roads, lest they disappear to oblivion. Everyone in Stellarsyl knows that the places unclaimed by them are wild and unforgiving. The land has a mind of its own, and even stepping off paved roads is to risk one's life. To try to chart such territory is not only impossible, it is the highest form of recklessness. Only those the Wilderlands, who have been born into the land's embrace, may pass unharmed through it's landscape. The vagrant clans that shift as the earth itself does. Some believe such folk are simple myths - who could possibly live in a terrain that changes? - as there has been little to no proof of their existence. The older generations know better, or so they say they do. Every once in a while, there will be claims of one of the Wild Folk who ventured into civilisation. Some stay, though they are much different in behaviour and mindset to the "cultured" folk.






BLESS YOU if actually read all of that
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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Points: 14084
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Mon Aug 26, 2019 1:43 am
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🔖 Chapter List


chapter numbers do not match to published works after chapter seven.

Prologue
-
Chapter 1.1 (Isadora)
Chapter 1.2 (Isadora)
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Chapter 2.1 (Mishal)
Chapter 2.2 (Mishal)
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Chapter 3.1 (Rowan)
Chapter 3.2 (Rowan)
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Chapter 4.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 4.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 5 (Ember)
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Chapter 6.1 (Rowan)
Chapter 6.2 (Rowan)
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Chapter 7 (Isadora)
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Interlude I - Kanta
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Chapter 8 (Ember)
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Chapter 9 (Mishal)
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Chapter 10 (Rowan)
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Chapter 11.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 11.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 12 (Isadora)
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Chapter 13.1 (Ember)
Chapter 13.2 (Ember)
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Chapter 14.1 (Mishal)
Chapter 14.2 (Mishal)
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Chapter 15.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 15.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 16 (Mishal)
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Chapter 17 (Rowan)
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Chapter 18.1 (Ember)
Chapter 18.2 (Ember)
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Interlude II - Azhaar
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Chapter 19 (Isadora)
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Chapter 20.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 20.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 21.1 (Rowan)
Chapter 21.2 (Rowan)
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Chapter 22 (Mishal)
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Chapter 23 (Ember)
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Chapter 24 (Rowan)
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Interlude III - Tanzer
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Chapter 25 (Isadora)
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Chapter 26.1 (Ember)
Chapter 26.2 (Ember)
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Chapter 27.1 (Mishal)
Chapter 27.2 (Mishal)
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Chapter 28 (Rowan)
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Chapter 29 (Cassius)
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Interlude IV - Tucker
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Chapter 30.1 (Ember)
Chapter 30.2 (Ember)
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Chapter 31 (Isadora)
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Chapter 32 (Rowan)
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Chapter 33.1 (Isadora)
Chapter 33.2 (Isadora)
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Chapter 34.1 (Ember)
Chapter 34.2 (Ember)
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Chapter 35.1 (Rowan)
Chapter 35.2 (Rowan)
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Chapter 36 (Mishal)
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Chapter 37.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 37.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 38 (Ember)
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Interlude V (Eydís)
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Chapter 39 (Isadora)
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Chapter 40 (Mishal)
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Chapter 41 (Rowan)
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Chapter 42 (Mishal)
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Chapter 43.1 (Cassius)
Chapter 43.2 (Cassius)
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Chapter 44 (Ember)
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Chapter 45 (Mishal)
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Chapter 46 (Ember)
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Chapter 47 (Mishal)
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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Mon Aug 26, 2019 1:43 am
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👥 Other Characters



The Six

Spoiler! :

Isadora "Belle": "Nature's first green is gold." Sister of Alanna.

Mishal "Stormy": "The great were once as you."

Lyrae "Oriole": "I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago"

Cassius "Rascal": "Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce, or trouble is what you make it."

Eugenia "Ember": "My young angry dear; This truth, this hard and precious stone."

Alanna "Little Pika": "And, of your mercy, be not sweetly wise with words of hope and spring and tenderer skies." Sister of Isadora.



The Chronicler's Guild + Neighbouring Village

Spoiler! :

Margaretta: The Guildmaster.


Gracia Disraeli: Head physician and magic scholar.


Ashael Mona Corbeanu's apprentice.


Coquelin: Alchemy scholar.


Moira Corbeanu: Head librarian and scholar. Council Member.


Cephas Council Member. Charge of the guards.


Jordan: Council Member.


Marita: Historian and record keeper. Council Member.


Ann: Kitchen staff.


Laska: Village blacksmith.


Rehanna: Village baker.


Risto: Village arcanist.


Sylvania: Village elder. Wife of Elsie.


Elsie: Village elder. Wife of Sylvania.



Unaffiliated


Spoiler! :

Enoch: A former knight of Chromium.


Danica: Smuggler.


Hypatis: Brother of Cadelia. Danica's ward.


Cadelia "Caddy": Sister of Hypatis. Danica's ward.



Glacier's Keep and the Divine Tundra

Spoiler! :

King Manu: King of Glacier's Keep. Husband of Aisha. Trueblooded.


Queen Aisha: Queen of Glacier's Keep. Wife of Manu.


Princess Kanta: Crown Princess of Glacier's Keep.




Summermount and the Ruby Desert


Spoiler! :

King Ismat: King of Summermount. Husband of Nayeli. Father of Azhaar. Trueblooded.


Queen Nayeli: Queen of Summermount. Wife of Ismat. Mother of Azhaar.


Prince Azhaar: Crown Prince of Summermount. Son of Ismat and Nayeli.


Lady Shayma: Lady of Summermount. Sister to Nayeli. Mother of Naqi.


Lord Naqi: In line to the throne of Summermount. Son of Shayma.



Saltwater Kingdom and the Viridian Isles
!spoilers!

Spoiler! :
Muscata: Former Shepard of the Viridian Isles. Wife to Mercuzio and Galileo. Mother to Laila, Dovira, Tanzer, and Adelaide. Owner of Muscata's Flock, an orphanage. Trueblooded.


Mercuzio: Husband to Muscata and Galileo. Father of Laila, Dovira, Tanzer, and Adelaide. Trueblooded.


Galileo: Husband to Muscata and Mercuzio. Father of Laila, Dovira, Tanzer, and Adelaide.


Laila: Daughter of Muscata and Galileo.


Dovira "Dove": Daughter of Muscata and Mercuzio.


Tanzer: Son of Muscata, Mercuzio, and Galileo.


Adelaide "Ada": Daughter of Muscata and Galileo.




Heaven's Keep and the City of Rainbow


Spoiler! :

Queen Juliette: Queen of Heaven's Keep. Wife of King Leander. Mother to Prince Tucker. Trueblooded.


King Leander: King of Heaven's Keep. Husband of Queen Juliette. Father to Prince Tucker.


Prince Tucker: Crown Prince of Heaven's Keep. Sole heir of Queen Juliette and King Lysander.


Lord Claude Janvier: Noble of Heaven's Keep. Father to Sybille.


Lady Sybille Janvier: Noble daughter of Heaven's Keep. Daughter to Lord Janvier.




Chromium and Underneath Stellarsyl


Spoiler! :

Queen Inga: Queen and sole ruler of Chromium. Mother of Princess Eydís. Trueblooded.


Princess Eydís: Crown Princess of Chromium. Daughter of Queen Inga.
Last edited by bees on Thu Apr 01, 2021 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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351 Reviews



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Mon Aug 26, 2019 1:43 am
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🌍 The World


wip
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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🌙 Creatures



Common Species


Uncommon Species


Gargoyle:
Some argue that gargoyles are not animals at all. Built from stone, these creatures are near indestructible beasts that are the product of highly dangerous rituals, some of the very darkest of soul magic. An army was built in Chromium during the Red Wars, and many still exist today, sitting in the high rafters and overlooking the passerby's in the city, protecting the kingdom from any threat their jewel-encrusted gaze finds.
Heaven's Keep developed a very similar concept with their chimeras.


Wyvern:
Competing with hyenas and vultures for Crown Scavenger. Wyverns are not all that big, standing 10 feet at most, with some very larges wyverns getting up to 12 feet. They look very similar to a dragon, though there are several chief differences. For one, they have leathery, toughened skin, nothing like the scaled or feathered dragons. They also are only in possession of two legs, rather than four. Their wings resemble those of a bat's, with claws at the top of their wings that they use to balance on the ground. They live in packs, unlike dragons, and inhabit the abandoned places of the world, such as the four Ruins. They venture out, however, in search of fresh prey. They do not often hunt, and sometimes will even torment cities or villages for their food.
(kinda like bears with wings they're p annoying actually)


Rare Species


Dragon:
One of the few revered species from the early days that still remains. Dragons are secluded beasts, and come in just about every size and colour. There are two main variants of dragons: scaled and feathered. The great scaled dragons are the ones often featured in legend, for they are beautiful as well as impossibly hard to kill. The feathered dragons can be just as deadly as their armoured cousins, but their flesh is much more vulnerable without protection. They are much more vibrant, however, and come in rainbows of colours.
There are some records of those who managed to tame and communicate with dragons, but they are few and old and such practise has not been seen in a very long time. Dragons, like the phoenix, have become increasing popular for their feathers and scales, and more have taken to hunting them. Adapting to such conditions, dragons have retreated to the Wilderlands and highest mountains, where not even the bravest of hunters would dare chase them. Most prefer to be alone or with one or two other dragons.


Chimera:
Inspired by the gargoyle design, the Queen of Heaven's Keep in the year 1431 designed crystalline figurines designed with twp watchful heads. One is that that similar to a scaled dragon, with horns sharp enough to pierce through bone. The second, the head of one of the cougars that prowl the mountain sides. Great wings press close to its body, and a tail like a scorpion's curls behind it. They defend against those who would do Heaven's Keep harm, from the simplest of pickpockets to the most cunning of traitors. All those should fear to awaken their wrath, for they will not long remain in this world should they do so.
No one is certain whether the chimeras are created by the same rituals are the gargoyles, or whether they are created from the same, dark magic. They are beautiful, glistening statues, but transform into fully fleshed beasts when provoked.


Hydra:
Native to the Ruby Desert and parts of the Down Plains, hydras live in hillside and rock formations, and they typically live even more secluded than dragons. They are known for their extreme hibernation, but have incredibly good senses. They are slightly more common then dragons, and just as deadly. They do not have hardened scales, but that does not mean they are not incredibly difficult to kill.



Extinct Species


Phoenix:
Once a great and noble beast, revered by early inhabitants of Stellarsyl as deities. In early recorded years, they were a protected species, and the punishment of killing one was severe (if you weren't doomed for killing a divine being). As the years passed, however, the market for their beautiful plumage grew more demanding, until the hunting of the phoenix became a sport, and eventually, their vibrant breed died away. Some who still revere the original species believe they will one day return in the aftermath of an enormous fire, and rekindle their breed's heritage.


Manticore:
Guardians of sacred grounds, one of the species originally native to the island. Incredibly dangerous and fierce, the manticore was a vicious predator to humanity of the early ages, so much so that they nearly destroyed all human life in the country. Groups of hunters were formed, on assignment from the monarchy of different regions, until all manticore had been slaughtered. (Probably for the best. They were terrifyingly fast)
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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351 Reviews



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Points: 14084
Reviews: 351
Mon Aug 26, 2019 1:43 am
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✨ Memes

warning for language


Isadora
Spoiler! :




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Mishal
Spoiler! :
"you have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair."



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Rowan/Ori
Spoiler! :
"i'll keep all my emotions right here and then one day i'll die"



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Cassius
Spoiler! :
I hate it when people ask “What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?” Like, bold of you to assume I’ve reached peak dumbass.

"First off, get out of here with your facts"

Ember (about Cassius): Unfortunately, he has little idiot bastard syndrome and it makes him say dumb things.



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Ember
Spoiler! :
"This is an on-fire garbage can."



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Alanna
Spoiler! :




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Other
Spoiler! :
Rowan: do you think I can fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth
Mishal: you're a hazard to society
Ember: and a coward do twenty

Mishal: I have this headache that comes and goes.
Cassius: *enters the room*
Mishal: ah there it is again.

Cassius: bitch
Mishal: blocked
Cassius: wait no unblock me I need to tell you something
Mishal: unblocked
Cassius: bitch.

Mishal: Rules were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Cassius: uh, pinatas.
Ember: glow sticks.
Alanna: karate boards.
Cassius: spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Rowan: and rules.

Cassius: Mishal gave me a “get better soon” card.
Rowan: aw! That’s so sweet!
Cassius: I wasn’t sick. He just thought I could do better.

Ember: how dare you assume i know what i’m doing
Rowan: don’t you dare question me or what i’m doing
Cassius i have no idea what i’m doing and you can’t stop me



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I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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351 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 14084
Reviews: 351
Sat Sep 07, 2019 8:53 pm
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Oop I made a map because I could (should I have been doing reviews? Yes. Did I not do that? Also yes)

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I might edit this as I go, just because there's several places that are unnamed so far because I haven't focused much on geography yet.

Wondering why there are so many little towers everywhere? Those are "outposts" along the road that I did not put in. I probably didn't put enough in for the exact distance because the country is actually super big, but it looks weird enough already so I'm not going to push it.

Also, many of the outposts going to all the ruins are unmanned. There are no roads that go to the ruins at the centre of the island, but it doesn't matter. You'd never survive them even if you got there.

Why so many outposts? You don't want to sleep anywhere that hasn't been civilised or domesticated. I mean, unless you want to vanish forever, I guess.

Also, this is the latest map someone wrote out on mostly guess (and what Technology™ up in Heaven's Keep can see). The inhabited lands (by inhabited I mean the five kingdoms or the towns scattered around) are easy to map out. No cartographer is stupid enough to go into the Wilderlands just to make a map. (Cartography isn't a popular profession unless you're Super Foolish)

All spots marked with dragon icons (the black, unfilled ones) are where dragon nests are common/have been documented in the past. Any red dragon icons are where dragons have been spotted recently (spoiler? kind of).

Fun fact! The mile markers in the roads are big loops to provide a safe grazing space for those who travel by horses (or to sleep in the middle of so as not to disrupt travels, but most folks are still too wary to sleep on any earth. The land may allow their horses to graze, but you don't want to push your luck.

Edit: oh no the centre ruins is actually called the nameless ruins I've messed up
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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351 Reviews



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Points: 14084
Reviews: 351
Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:44 am
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You know what? I forgot to add the calendar.

Because I can't be convenient like everyone else, I did sort of design a new calendar/season system. Stellarsyl doesn't have any of the same seasons like we do ("summer" is like a synonym of heat, but it's not a season), though if you squint there's some similarities to how it rotates like ours.

There's eight months in a full seasonal rotation (yes, they're still called years, I'm not that hardcore), and 298 days in a year. There are still seven days in a week, however. Sue me, I'm lazy.

So, let's observe the seasons, shall we? (yes, months are called seasons)



Season of New Bloom

The New Year of Stellarsyl. 28 days long. The frost and cold has usually begun to wear off by the time New Bloom begins.
(if we want some fun character facts, Cassius' birthday is the twelfth of this season)


Season of Cloudburst

Rainy season. Waters all your crops like a good neighbour. Definitely beginning to warm up by now, and as mentioned, you'll probably have some things planted by now. 32 days long.
(more fun character facts: Mishal's birthday is the second day)


Season of the Sun's Reign

The Worst Season. Well, objectively (I don't like the summer so I'm the objection). Pretty hot most of the time (it's hell in the Ruby Desert rn. Heaven's Keep isn't too great either, but the Viridian Isles have it worse), lots of sun and burns. 49 days long.


Season of Reaping

Finally We're Out of Hell's Gaze. Sounds kind of ominous but actually this is a pretty cool month (not temperature wise. It's still pretty warm but not deathly hot). Harvest time for most of your crops. 41 days long. The weather is actually like, one of the best months overall (unless you're in the Ruby Desert in which case... lol rip you're still kinda dying) (also lyrae's birthday on the twenty-first!).


Season of the Land's Ball

omg it's so pretty! This is the Fancy season. All the trees (if there's trees where you live) are bright and beautiful and lots of colours. Heaven's Keep seems to reflective these colours and often looks more prismatic at this time. Everything's chilly but it's fine because the land looks BEAUTIFUL. 26 days long.
(Ember's birthday is the eighteenth!)


Season of the Winds

Kinda a meh season? It's not great weather. It's getting cold, but it's also not pretty because there's no snow yet (UNLESS YOU LIVE IN THE RUBY DESERT IN WHICH CASE LOL RIP YOU DON'T GET SNOW). So, actually a pretty crappy month. It's windy all the time, and you just get wind burned and sick. All the trees are dying through this month. It's actually probably one of the worst months. Also 26 days long.
(but it's great because ALANNA'S BIRTHDAY is the tenth and we love her so it's ok)


Season of the Moon's Vigil

That's right! The days are shorter, the moon is out a lot (holding her vigil obviously), and if you live anywhere but the Ruby Desert it's Really Freaking Cold. Well, actually, if you live in the south, you're fine, but there's only one town down there and then the ruins. So, you most likely are Really Freaking Cold (or you're in the Divine Tundra, in which case, it's your turn to be "lol rip"). 60 whole days long because strap in folks everything dying and freezing but hey! It's absolutely gorgeous right now (also, if you live in Stellarsyl, you'd know that the snow is regarded as a Divine Gift, so you're actually probably in a sort of reverent state right now. IF you haven't caught frostbite).


Season of Catharsis

It's still cold as heck, but the land is starting to recover. The snow will eventually melt during this month, and it will begin to warm towards the end in preparation of New Bloom coming up. Everything is "waking up" again this month. *points at the name* is what it says on the tin because everything is blatantly straightforward in Stellarsyl (except the name Stellarsyl which IS but we can pretend it's not because spoilers). 36 days long.
(you guessed it! Isa's birthday is the thirty-sixth day of the month. fun fact, she was born near midnight, but she still wasn't born in the new year)


The days of the week are Forma, Sekon, Terzo, Vierde, Fift, Syxte, Siebte.

Oh I commented a lot on how the different regions react to the change of season? Chromium ignores them all because it's usually just Cold down there unless the forges are running. So, some of Chromium is Chilly, and then you go into the forges are you're like "oh god heck why are clothes a thing I'm DYING of HEAT EXHAUSTION". generally, they've connected some of the vents from the forge to other regions in Chromium, and tried to build a lot of forges around the city to keep it warmer, but, you know. It's a giant bloody cave. It's cold.
Last edited by bees on Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people that do.

You and I, we are matter, and it matters.

they/them
  





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351 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 14084
Reviews: 351
Sat Oct 03, 2020 5:02 am
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bees says...



Hey, I'm almost done with posting the first draft! That means it's time for some review notes.

Spoilers are in...spoilers lol. Notes on the overarching plot (mostly for this novel but there will probably be a few for others 👀



Prologue

    -Prologue is too long for most people (I think this is chiefly because it's a prologue? Chapter lengths haven't really been commented on).

    -Was pointed out that perhaps I didn't want to have the trueblood reveal immediately. Not necessarily a reflection on the existence of the prologue, but maybe hide the nature of the kids? [a/n: I'm concerned it will be too confusing if I don't reveal this, actually. I'd prefer to ease the reader into why the truebloods are important and not have to explain what happened to the kids in detail so I won't confuse the reader. I also don't know how to incorporate this in naturally, and I don't want exposition for the sake of exposition]

    -Prologue was generally liked, though the actual kidnapping of the kids was remarked about a lot with more disfavour. Start with Jax being called back for Alanna's birth instead and fit in the other kids in that conversation/section instead, so that I don't have to summarise all the kidnappings? I really don't like that part either, since it's just "this happened, then this happened, and then it happened four more times".

    -Bisc noticed that there must have been magic at work to prevent more trueblood heirs!! I think I do need to maybe sneak a little more hinting at that though, since they were the only one who got it.

    -It was too easy for Jax to steal the kids. I think this might be fixed if I nix the descriptions of stealing the kids entirely.

    -The prologue is still going to be written with the mindset that some people just aren't going to read it.

    -I could? include tiny baby Isadora?? when Jax leaves Salvador's office? and he just sees her and he's like "how could anyone suggest killing your sister??" and basically have a very sweet and brief scene with her? There were several complaints about not enough emotional ties to the characters, so maybe Jax and baby Isadora might be the way to go.

    read at your own risk
    Spoiler! :
    -might need to mention the kids in regards to the ruins and the breakthrough, though I'd really rather save this

    -I need to mention Tyrus and Salvador. I might use Tyrus as a foil to Margaretta in the scene with Jax / Salvador / Margaretta when Salvador is ordering Jax to kill Alanna. It introduces Tyrus as a character and his favour towards Salvador, and it would make the scene very tense and possibly easier to connect to for reader who did read the prologue.

    -It could be interesting to write the prologue from our secretive Grey Masks instead of the Chronicler's Guild. My concern with this, however interesting it is, is that the reader doesn't have any context for 1) Guildmaster Salvador while he was in charge 2) Introduction to both Margaretta and Jax, but very specifically Jax because he doesn't come back for a long while. I want them to recognise him when he returns, and if I changed the prologue, I wouldn't be able to do that. 3) I could still probably reveal the trueblood/decoy swap, but it might be a little more stilted. On the other hand, it would set up the attack so it doesn't come out of nowhere.

    -uh, hey mel? when does this take place in relation to the Big War? that's kinda important.



Chapter One

    -There seems to be a misconception that Cassius was trying to make the beard for himself xD I might need to change the prank up for this one (and also lean way more into Cassius' voice because he definitely would have used his own language to request what he wants).

    -Too many characters mentioned. I really want to have at least the six mentioned. I don't want to rely on the prologue to let the readers know about them. I have to find a balance for this (nix the mentions of characters who aren't the main six?? and hope for the best??). This also may be helped by cutting parents out (sorry parents you've been the bane of my existence since I started writing this novel). Though the mention of the six and tying them to interests seemed to really resonate with people? So hopefully that's ok.

    -Isadora's voice. Isadora's voice!!! me @ myself, ISADORA'S VOICE!!

    -Cassius' magic tell is misty/golden breath and the prism that makes his hair shift colours. I didn't really mention this in a very good way. Everything else about Cassius is so far beloved though? Which is the Correct response to my smartest idiot bastard baby.

    -magic system was introduced well?

    -mention the canary incident again 👀

    -I had a few ":/" reactions to Mishal, which I honestly don't mind if it's in response to Cassius' antics.

    -as my own note, I'm not thrilled with the beginning of this, except for the Isadora / Cassius scene, because I love them. But I also have to establish them working towards something. I might have to rewrite it entirely and try something else. I'm not sure what that is yet, but the expedition has to be brought up. I possibly do need to actually have it so that the children already know about it, and also already know Isadora and Mishal are going? I really like the other four finding out about it and reacting, but I also think it might be easier if this is something they've been dreading for seasons and it's coming up way faster than they wanted. Why would Margaretta wait until like, two weeks before to tell them. that makes no sense. I can turn the angst of the other babies into the same sort of dread, where they don't want to be split up? And Lyrae is obviously angsting about not getting to go. I need to strengthen the justification for why they can't come (otherwise, you know, it would absolutely ruin the plot lmao)

    -don't,,, info dump mel. how could you.

    -emphasise Isadora's respect for Margaretta! (also @ myself for later chapters, don't make Margaretta so sus so many times and so early. Isadora and Mishal genuinely respect her, and that needs to carry them for a while!!

    -pronouns

    -Ruins shouldn't be capitalised unless mentioning one of the specific ruins.

    -The curse needs to be addressed. Whether that be in Margaretta's avoiding answering or she gives an "answer" (to assuage fears specifically), it needs to be brought up. I made it sound super spooky and then gave it none of the attention it needed to be paid.

    -some people got the impression that Cassius and Isadora were romantically interested in each other???? please please rectify this. *concern*

    -spent too much time on the "delaying the expedition" bit. though this may be fixed if I decided to change the beginning.

    Spoiler! :
    -I could...have Cassius under some kind of punishment that took place before the story takes place, that way, when there's discussions of trying to sneak along with the caravan, it's emphasised that Cassius just got Punished?? concern with that though is that it's Ember and Cassius and they're both ridiculously and stupidly brave and completely reckless, so unless it was something really severe that had been going on for much longer than this one time, neither of them would be dissuaded. And the Chronicler's Guild don't torture children. Maybe I'll think of something, but I don't think this will work as a way of convincing them not to go.

ok I can't do these all in the same post I'm gonna have to go one or two chapters at a time or it's going to eat the whole page. so, more to come.
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Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
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