Young Writers Society

Hi megsug!

Okay so this time I know I've read part of this before, see! Totally remembering these characters. In fact, I got curious and it turns out the chapters of this I've reviewed are 17 part 2, 18, 23 and 31. So that's it for the fun trivia, but if I point out something you've covered in one of those chapters I didn't read, feel free to ignore me.

Specifics

1. The first sentence doesn't grab me. Not every sentence of a story needs to have a pull and in fact it would be hard to read if they did but first sentences are pretty special. I think perhaps if we knew which room this was or had some significance attached to the room, it might be more interesting that Obi is there alone. Or more if there was something to immediately give us Obi's mind set at this moment. Is it a relaxed alone, or on edge, or sad? Emotions are a good hook, especially coming from a character who the reader is fond of.

A quick example would be something like 'The library felt colder now Obi was alone.'

2. Would it maybe be more interesting to start from Obi standing in the doorway to the room? Why does he go sit back down after failing to run after Conya and then get up again? He doesn't seem restless or rather his thoughts don't express the restlessness that his actions seem to imply? Maybe it needs to be emphasised more if that's part of his personality/ mind-set?

3.

It still meant that the man he had practically worshipped was dead, and she may have killed him.

Turning away, Mr. Fughi said over his shoulder, “You should just come, Mr. Eshe. The issue is very close to drawing attention to itself, and that is something that which would be very unfortunate for your household.”

Immediately, he sympathized with the girl as annoyed as he felt. The lightbulb must’ve gone out at some point because the stairway was pitch dark, and the room it led down to it was even worse.

Heya Megsug!

I am all caught up! But that might just be because you haven't posted for a while. I hope you are still intending to write and post some more of this because I will definitely be waiting and eager to read more of this novel. It just continues getting all the better. Make sure you let me know when you do update!

I think this is going to be a mini review because I don't really have much to say. Obi seems to be very calm about this situation but emotionally confused. And I did think he would react this way because although it might be murder -- only might -- his brother is dead and has been dead for a while so I doubt he would feel too alarmed. I like that he has actually put some belief in Lekan's words and I wonder if he is going to confront Conya about it at some point. I'm also really glad that you brought in the princess again because in all honesty, I was so caught up with everything that includes Lekan, I had completely forgotten about her as well. I guess that's just what you need for this part of the story to have much of an effect, so it is good on that side of things.

What I do want to see is more of the princess. So far we have only seen her be dragged away, hidden and now again she causes a little bit of a fuss and then is hidden again. So far, she is the character I feel like I know the least. I want to see something more from her than just fear. I mean, she is allowed to be afraid, and she is young as well so I can understand her conflicting emotions she is going through here. But she seems to go back and forwards so fast I almost get lost in it. Slow down, let them talk a bit more and let her personality shine through a bit.

Other than that, I really don't have any complaints for this chapter D: I am going to make two tiny nitpicks and then I have to wait. :3

Now Obi loved her though.

Immediately, he sympathized with the girl as annoyed as he felt

Egs!

Look at that. Another chapter with an Obi scene, also in the Green Room for a disgustingly long period of time. Sounds fun.

Conya had left shortly after Lekan had slammed out of the house.

Surely Conya hadn’t done anything purposefully to his brother. Wouldn’t she have said something?

Blinking and shifting uncomfortably in his chair before standing up, he frowned.

Conya had told him that his brother hadn’t been good to her. It still meant that the man he had practically worshipped was dead, and she may have killed him. Now Obi loved her though.

Hello! Moalex here to do a review on your work. I think you have a strong understanding to this already but because there are so many chapters it demotivate readers to read your work. Of course you have been a member of YWS for almost 5 years already so I can't say I blame you. I will try my best to understand the plot of the story without needing to go through the other 32 chapters. Therefore I will try to focus on grammar and personal changes that I feel would make the story "sound" better.

"He had tried to follow her, but she had waved him away before running up the stairs."

You don't need the "had" in "He had tried to follow her," double past tense.

"Surely Conya hadn’t done anything purposefully to his brother."

Just a personal suggestion. I feel you can change it to "Surely Conya hadn't done anything on purpose to his brother." I read it out loud to myself and thought it sounded better but up to you.

“You and I are going to be in a lot of trouble. I am sorry I didn’t come get your before now, but you need to stop this insanity.”

your -> you "I am sorry I didn't come get you before now,"

“You’re welcome, Princess. Tonight. I’ll get you tonight. I promise.” He stood and left.

I'm sure you already know this but any dialogue that isn't the end of a sentence should end with a comma. just putting this out there so you know what needs to be changed.

That's all the nitpicks from me. Honestly there wasn't all too much that needs to be changed. Some sentences tend to have double past tense in it but I think I only spotted two. I didn't really absorb your plot too much from this one chapter. I'll be honest and let you know how I feel about your work so far.

I actually kind of like it. According to the details in this chapter, I'm guessing the girl wasn't exactly raised in a rich environment. Assuming the dialogue is exactly as she says. The settings seems to take place somewhere in present time? The word "staff" isn't really used in historical settings but perhaps the future? I assume it's present because the "castle" doesn't seem to contain any futuristic fantasy devices.

I'm going to assume that this is some sort of battle over an item or title called "The Veil" as the title of your novel says. Perhaps not the type of battle where chosen few are acknowledged and duke's it out with the other chosen. But a set of terrorism laid out between people who have intel on "The Veil." Overall, I would love to go to chapter one and read, but I am just a college student who has limited time on my hand.

Keep up the great work!