Hapless shades of silkscreened past,
glowing off tubes in parallel windows,
saturating puddles on asphalt canvas.
My motions mirroring subtle characters
of varied hues leaking into the screen
or out; a glass confession booth.
Harlequin flecks fashioned her
into one of many on Grande Jatte
while I poured out my true colors.
The air buoyant with a tender bathos,
every word a speckling plunge,
waking rainbows asleep on oily pillows.
My splash of beady reflections;
out chased by the sheeny droplets,
out lived by me.
Each likeness a glittering silkscreen,
gravitating back to its proper place
in a metaphysical spectrum.
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Canary word: Present
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138,236 Literary Works • 672,088 Reviews
Thank you for the thorough review, JoJo. Much of the technicalities were conscious tonality decisions, which I will PM you about, but I'm going to use this post to address your comments about the subject of the poem. To be clear, it wasn't supposed to be what people expect a "coming out poem" to be. Instead it was about my own conflict of whether I should reveal my orientation to people, is it a confession if it's not a wrongdoing? What are my motives? Does art imitate life, or the other way around... I used the rainbow, a symbol of homosexuality, as a metaphor for other things as well, including the spectrum of color coming from a TV set, or in a painting. I introduced "her" trivially, pointing out that she's only "one of many." There's more to it but I think it's best not to attempt converting it all to prose. The subject isn't explicitly described, sometimes almost trivialized, for a reason. Coming out is more complicated than I think people make it out to be.
Hello, I am Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today.
Grammar/punctuation are in red.
Others are in blue.
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* There's a problem.
I did a quick scan of your poem before I read it, and I realized that a majority of your stanzas do not actually display a complete thought 9 aka- they aren't real sentences, even though they have periods). Some can be fixed by just changing the tense in one of your verbs so that it makes more sense. Other than that, I would suggest that you forgot about the "sentence' thing altogether.
* This poem is about 'coming out', right? I would think that it would be an emotional journey or something.
* Her? where did that come from? From what I can decipher, I can only assume that you are referring to the person you are spilling your heart out to, or you are characterizing you movements or emotions as a female.
I am just giving a few suggestions on how you could change around the tense, add a few words, and allow the stanzas to form complete thought that allow the reader to understand better the point you are trying to make.
The last line sort of destroys this stanza, to be honest. When you say "the beady droplets", we expect you to natural specify what makes them unique.
" the beady droplets that....blah blah blah"
Maybe you should use "that" to clarify in the end ( "That were outlived by me"), or take out the definite article.
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BLUES
This is nice, but I don't see how this has anything really to do with 'coming out".
I understand that the entire concept of the rainbow is linked to the idea, but this poem doesn't have the same emotion, feel, or even presentation of "coming out".
Only once do you actually mention something that I would be considered emotional or relation to confession.
and that's it.
RED
The punctuation in the poem was quite shaky, and the "sentences' didn't always reveal a complete thought mostly because the tense stayed the same within the line.
It was like you couldn't breath. Nothing was closed. And Idea continued "-ing" and "-ing" and "-ing" , if you get what I mean. i think it would serve well if you switched and diversified your tense, or, like i suggested before, drop the "sentence" idea.
Overall:
This was a nice idea, but the title didn't quite if the poem. I would expect a poem about "coming out to have a lot more emotion than this one, and make the reader think/feel a lot more than it did. The incomplete sentences were a little distracting, because I expected some closure when I approached the PERIOD at he end of the sentence, but other than that, nice job!
Hope this helps!
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-Jojo
Hello!
So, with the poem, I think the whole metaphor is really good and different, because quite often, poems about these topics are written out plainly without metaphors or anything. I liked how you approached the topic in a sort of round about way.
Although, if anything, I feel as though the poem is almost a little too much about colours instead of coming out. But the way you wrote the whole poem focusing on colours works pretty well. Except, I'm just not sure that I would've know that the poem would be about coming out have you not mentioned it in the description. I don't think this is a problem though. I'm just pointing out my thoughts on the poem.
Another thing I liked about the poem was the language. The adjectives and words you use in the poem all fits well with one another, they're also not too simple or complex and they work perfectly. So, that's pretty good. There's also rhythm in there. So, a poem well written overall. Keep it up!