Tension stacks tectonically,
teetering your waist as the friction
gives way to an 8.9 - record high -
and a wave comes over me, into me.
I drown in your ashy shadow.
Muscles collapse to rubble,
quivering with aftershocks.
Plumes of air escape in periodic panting.
Your face looks dead,
and you flee from me -
as if I were uranium,
but you already have cancer.
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hi there!
This was so good, especially since the Japan tsunami, and watching footage of the scene, I can picture the emotions vividly. It's a really good idea to relate what I sense as a break-up to a natural disaster, since you can look at breaking up as a natural disaster, just one that's much smaller in size and matter.
The end gives a sad, dramatic effect that I love, and that I notice a lot of poems lack. It's tragic and ironic, and makes me want to laugh as well as cry. Overall, if you couldn't already tell, I think this is a wonderful poem.
I don't know if you did this on purpose, but the way you wrote this is very story-like. These lines that I've quoted above, to me, sound like intercourse (for lack of a better word) between the two characters. The way you wrote this is smooth and reassuring, like in the beginning there is something good about whatever's going on, even though it is an earthquake, and they always end horribly.
Before this point, you're still writing it as if things are ok. When do they get from 'ok' to so bad that that person is running? I'd like something in the middle, possibly something about some kind of realization. Like the person realized that the quake wasn't something she could withstand, so she ran away, get it? We want to stick with this amazing theme you have going here.
So, that's all I have to say! I really like this, and I will follow you so I can see more of your writing.
Keep writing,
Classy
I love this imagery. I'm glad you used proper punctuation in your poem, not many people do. I am confused as to what the poem is meant to be talking about though. From the title, I am guessing nuclear disaster? However, it's not very clear. Could you clear that up please? It would be help the reader understand the poem better. Otherwise, it's very, very good. Keep writing!
I love the alliteration in the first line! The second line is confusing though; consider your word choice. After that the rest is amazing. "over me, into me" is a great line. The tone is great--just try to smooth out the flow in the first three lines. Really moving poem.