under fluorescent laser showers
i can't help but wonder:
what is our struggle.
landlords? that kid in the cart is like some sapling
with dangling roots, dying
to be set down.
as a commander toward conquest,
dad pushes his broken-wheeled cart
with the muscular ache of living.
one says to another:
it's hard to meet people
(on this billions of years away planet).
i try to ask,
with igneous love:
does this queuing ceremony
of sweaty bodies
not burn
with the same fire that built the stars?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
For as long as I live, I will never forget this poem
HI inkwell! Tulip here to give you a review on your poem "Scenes of Walmart". Now I am an employee of Walmart so this made me very curious on what you wrote.
Okay so like people have probably ly mostly said before me, The capitalization is something that could be changed throughout. I agree with one of them below on the fact that the lack of capitalization can show the lower than average intelligence of shoppers.
I think that this poem is good. It could use some more examples but with the size of the poem there is just enough. I would try to clarify just a few different parts or make them more vidid.
Happy holidays,
Tulip ♡
Hey Inkwell!
~ I don't know why I liked this bit so much, but I did. It was charming. Very nice.Shady here with a short review for you this fine evening!
Firstly...bahahaha
I liked this. A lot. It made me smile. I particularly liked:
Don't have much else to say on the matter. I'm not much of a reviewer of poetry, but I thought I'd leave you a few lines on this poem since I enjoyed it.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there!
This is a great poem. I was intrigued by the title seeing as there are many, many interesting scenes to be seen at WalMart. I think you did my idea of what this was going to be justice.
Like runner mentioned below, there really isn't much wrong with this. I mean, everything that is supposed to be capitalized isn't and the flow is unnatural, but it fits well in the whole idea of the poem. You're talking about people walking around in WalMart, the store where nearly everyone shops. Therefore, you get all kinds of crazy and interesting people there. The capitalization missing could easily be seen as the lack of i.q. that some of the people at WalMart have. I'm not sure if that's what you were thinking of when writing this, but that's how I interpret it.
Overall, great job at this. The idea is solid, the flow, though choppy at times, is great, and the imagery is nice to. I give you two thumbs up. If I had any more thumbs I would put them up too, but alas, I only have two.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there, inkwell!
I like it.
I read this poem and was amazed. It's full of great visuals and really beautiful metaphors. You've really used your language with power, and it's good to see it!
Spelling and Grammar:
I shouldn't have bothered to make this heading. I really shouldn't.
Lineation:
Free verse used really well here! It seems to accomplish something and really adds meaning to the poem. You could have broken this block up into stanzas, but in this case I think it is more personal preference than anything else, because your lines are so short and varied, and the block doesn't look all that daunting. I also think that breaking it up might subtract from the beautiful sense of flow you have here, so well done on that!
Visuals:
My favorite was the sapling with dangling roots. That made me squirm with pleasure! It's not often that you see such beautiful parallels, and that was really worth reading.
I'm not too sure about the fluorescent laser showers -- it seems to distract me and draw me away from the meaning of the poem. It's a bit too spectacular for my taste, but it could be just me.
Conclusion:
I'm sorry I can't find enough wrong with your poem to write a decent review, but I really liked the conclusion -- it's a very striking way to make a point about the nature of the human race
Subject matter:
Very original, inspired, and amazing. The way you connected everything is fantastic. I can't believe the way you took Walmart and made it something sensational and beautiful, if somewhat grotesque!
So great work! This is highly original, well executed and well worth the read!
Hai. I suck at reviewing poetry, but I loved this. The last six lines put a giant grin on my face and tickled the read-a-well-worded-thing bone very well.
Hello inkwell, this poem is certainly unlike anything I have ever read. I enjoyed reading it a lot though because it showed life and the little things that happen, the things people should write about but never do. The only line that threw me off was "(on this billions of years away planet)", it is not the line itself but the use of parenthisis confused me. Other then that this was a unique poem and portreyed life outside of the perfections! Keep writing.