Foothold

inburmashave has covered the majority of the problems with this short and empty poem. It's just too vague and it goes nowhere. The repetition near the end is without much hope, as well. I liked "neurotic nihilism" because it was the sole part of the piece that had sonic success.

I think you can do better. Small poems succeed only when each line is full to the brim with imagery and meaning. This isn't that, sadly.

Thanks, I think agree with you on the most part. This poem was written too hastily I think.

Hello Mao,

I've taken a liking to you after skimming through poetry but this is disappointing.

The first line is composed of abstractions after abstractions. 'The world', a vague conjecture, 'my knowledge', even more so. I've nothing against solidifying abstractions, but putting intangible beside intangible is just completely poor aesthetically.

Also, you've got a pattern in your usage of enjambment, sadly, it's not endearing, at all. I started like this, but the point of enjambment is not merely for continuation and as attention whores, one lined after the next, but you have to keep in mind the rhythm of the piece. Right now, it's extremely scattered, and stunted, almost an incomprehensible stammer.

Your ideas are fairly novel, and I absolutely adored the finality of 'orangutans on a typewriter' but keep clauses, semantics and effects in mind whilst writing. Some imagery won't hurt either.