Fruitless, fruitless birch trees
pantomime cocooning quips.
Fruitless, fruitless chinese
lingers on, on your lips.
Blithe, blithe blades of grass waver
to the song of brevity.
Blithe, blithe rolling hands savor
nectars of mortality.
Pale, pale blue skies
reserved for days, days like these.
Pale, pale blue eyes,
in liaison with the breeze.
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Canary word: Present
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews! Just want to bring light to the subject. I was hoping that the title would illuminate it but I'm biased. :p
The poem is about me walking in silence alongside someone I just met at the park who doesn't speak english. I just thought the moment was kind of sublime and wanted to write a poem about it deploying rhyme, something I'm not used to.
Hello, I'm SweetMoments!
Like Lav said I like how you repeat the words: blithe, blithe pale, pale etc
Its certainly is unique but it might just be my blunt mind, but, I didn't really understand what it was about XD
There is not much to say because Lav has basically said it all.
Good work!
Another strike for Team Pink!
Oh my goodness! This is wonderful! I love the vocabulary! I'm seeing words I've never seen and not only is it expanding my vocabulary as I look it up, but it's painting new pictures I've never seen! Bravo!
Unique. I like it. But whats the subject??? I mean, it sounds Great. But i rally have no cle what this is about.
Hi inkwell, Lavvi in to review for you.
This is definitely different, but in a good way. I liked the repetition for every second line (Fruitless, fruitless, Blithe, blithe, Pale, pale). I don't know, but it just added some flowy, almost ethereal voice to the poem. Really quite smooth.
There wasn't anything that really jumped out at me for nitpicks, mostly because the poem is rather short. The only thing that tugged at me was:
I find that the repeat of "on" read rather awkwardly. I don't know what could fix this small issue, but it must be fixed somehow either way. It ruins the flow of the poem and the beautiful way that the words work.
Yours,
Lavvi