just number-nine-dreamin'
and blitzkrieg bopping
with grassy throats
in california on mars,
this city stands in quasi-heroic poses.
'cept you, you've got me singing the blues
between work and more work.
now i'm eating with hobos.
i know where their sorrow is,
they don't have to tell me—
it's where the pizza goes.
an innerlichkeit digestion
during the scherzo of the day.
this sorrow grows like a lump of coal
and i want to hold it in my hands,
tender it. no,
i want to light it on fire.
where is utopia?
we're romantics digging our feet inward
but we can see the tide.
so we keep digging,
our words padded with soil
and pauses
to let things grow.
and we talk about the crabs
who look crazed and wise.
could they practice yoga?
it seems almost likely—
quiet comrades
who combine stolid backs with fluid vibes.
even the crabs are content
in this salty immensity:
an infinite chorus of angels
that offer a drinking song.
brass waves, taller than they are,
dovetail with lovers
then fold and clap and whisper history.
what we've tuned out for so long
gets dialed in all at once—
driving now into the ocean,
a massive cobalt camera flash.
below, it hums in d minor,
and you're mona lisa in zero-gravity.
but things always go out
like the end of a dream.
one learns to live washed ashore—
to pass the spliff,
to roll over and kiss the tender outcome
or touch that fellow's thigh.
where is utopia?
it's where the pizza goes.
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,007 Reviews
Haiiii! Okay so I haven't reviewed in ages which means you'll have to forgive me if I'm a tad rusty but it's time I got into the swing of things again. Especially with the Christmas season coming up
Specifics
1. I really don't like the phrase 'blitzkrieg bopping'. It looks great and it sounds great but the juxtaposition of those two words has me feeling edgy. Maybe it's the history student in me, but bopping just feels too frivolous a verb to belong with blitzkrieg and it delays any sense of what the feel of this poem should be. I don't know if it's escapist or dark or anything and now I'll be second guessing that all the way through.
2. 'in california on mars' is a great line. It's very surreal and has a great feel to it. I'd have probably been a tad more comfortable with the other if you'd had this first.
3. 'between work and more work' could be stronger. You have all these crazy mixes of phrases or pairings of words and I expected to see another so the repetition of work was a bit of a let down.
You're a bit wordy in the next few lines! I think you need to keep this sharp and compact as that's where the great surprises are coming from. Maybe something like:
now i'm eating with hobos
and i know where their sorrow is -
it's where the pizza goes.
4. You're playing it a bit risky with your words. My German is more rusty than my reviewing and my music knowledge is zilch so I just had to look two up within a line of each other and that's too much for me. You'd be better to keep them further apart or to stage it so your reader can understand at least one without the aid of a dictionary. Remember: poetry readers are more lazy than they used to be.
5. I like the simile of the lump of coal, but I find your phrasing slows down a little and isn't as powerful for a moment after that. I'd suggest:
and i want to hold it in my hands,
tender it and light it on fire
to find Utopia.
6. The rhyme of vibes and wise works really well. I like that this section feels like the dip and rise as a wave, whether that's intentional or not. Good work.
7. The line 'what we've tuned out for so long' is too long to manage the same effect and the rhyme feels more awkward. I think it's that song and long are a more obvious pairing and we're almost expecting it now so it feels a bit glaring.
8. I love 'cobalt camera flash' but I'm not sure that massive is right. That feels awkward and rough next to such sharp, jazzy phrasing.
9. I'm not sure I like the throwaway reference to Mona lisa. That feels forced, but I love the lines that follow it 'but things always go out/ like the end of a dream'. Very pretty and rhythmic.
10. Not much to say on the ending. It isn't particularly grabbing but there's a good sense of completeness and that's always nice.
Overall
I like this. I don't think I could read it if it was any longer as it's very difficult to follow a pure block of text. But at the same time I wouldn't want you to break it up. I think you've chosen the right format for this poem and it gives it an extra edge.
I'd have liked to see you tie the beginning in more with the end as I'm confused as to where the blitzkrieg bopping comes in or the California on Mars. I think it's all related to the spliff and just general crazy thoughts that people have with that, but maybe you need to have a mention of passing something earlier on, just so the reader's mind can flick back to that and be like, oh yeah. I get it.
Generally though, good work! It hasn't left me with any gut wrenching emotion but it's an intriguing piece and there's some great lines and devices at work. I think if you tightened this up, it's got the potential to be pretty powerful.
All the best,
Heather xxx