A strict experiment of stream of consciousness written recently after an outburst of dialogue and thought.
A guilt trip from here to -
woken up in the climax of
a dream, blurry accusations in pitch black.
Frightful faces, distorted and dramatic
except on Sunday morning. Masquerade
of rationalization. Convicted of thoughtcrime,
penis cut, limped, ostracized. Spare the
rod, spoil the child! Shit hits the fan, speckles my
face. God is watching you! Tears swell my vision
and the catharsis collides with compassion as the
floor of absurdities disappears, was never there and
I can't stand - can't stand it! Monkeys dancing on
pulpits as the jeers elevate to screams, banshees
at every corner. The pews stretch for eternity, a two
way road. The coagulated blood of forgiveness stains
my red hands, caught! Television static trickles down
my weary, bizarre head. Condemned to isolation, deemed
unworthy. Reconciliation is never in reach, mother,
father, awkward.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
How dare you say the poem is bad??!! Methinks that's a bit uncalled for. It's not bad at all, just somewhat tangled. Stream of concsiousness rarely focuses on what one wants to say: that's why it's called "stream" and not "orderly and systematic work of mental art."
Indeed, the stream of consciousness is more honest, perhaps, but it is also less coherent. The idea behind the stream of consciousness is that; when our minds are exploding with things we want to say; the stream of consciousness allows us to put all of it out there. Stream of consciousness works great for paintings; writing not so much.
In the future, do the stream of consciousness. Once you finish, take the jumbled mess and refine it. Filter out all the random junk that flits in and out of the mind; instead focus on what it is you want to say.
Overall, the poem is bad, but only because you didn't apply the stream of consciousness appropriately.
Certainly not my favorite poem, but it was different. I did feel the rush of emotions, but that included confusion... I felt no rhythm, so I just read this straight on as is. But really, this "poem" boils down to just being common phrases spaced out in lines. Eh... Not really a fan, but you got your point across. Keep writing!
The word that I think best describes this poem (if it can really be called a poem, considering its highly prose-like style), is manic. It certainly does follow the stream-of-consciousness pattern, which can be effective, but often just turns out confusing. You did a good job of presenting the rushed, angsty feelings; however, not all of it made much sense. Now, I understand that a person's mental process rarely does make sense, especially when they're angry, frightened, or frustrated, all of which seemed to apply to your speaker. But you could clean it up a bit, as well as situate the line breaks a little more evenly; they seem a bit erratic as it is. One more thing is, I would remove the word "s***"; it distracts from the overall grace of the poem and is a bit too casual for such serious emotions.
Good job overall, and keep on a-writin'!