Fifth Avenue
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The crisp leaf floated down.
The weather; cruel and pretty.
Wind lifted and twisted its path
as it paled against the city.
I pulled myself off the mahogany bench;
feet followed grey-scale ground.
Passer-bys smiled, I nodded back.
The picturesque park had a holistic sound.
Pressed the button; twice to be sure.
Lights remained red, cars sat still.
Lady's smoke and girl's waffle cone
coalesced with the morning chill.
I coached on Fifth Avenue,
gave leave to my weary lids,
then made a snow angel, impromptu,
smirked at myself, let go of my bids.
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140,103 Literary Works • 673,007 Reviews
Hi,
You express yourself beautifully. I absolutely adored "The weather; cruel and pretty". "Wind lifted and twisted its path" is really great. I'd change the last line of this stanza as it's a little bland, and you're so much better than that!
The second stanza is great and the rhyme is very effective.
I'd put "A" before "girl" and "lady" for the sake of the rhythm.
I was a bit let down by the final stanza. I think the rhyme is forced and "gave leave to my weary lids" is a bit overdone. i'd try for something more simple and visual.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hi. Sorry this isn't going to be a very important or good review, so you can just...not take any notice of it. Anyways, I really liked this! I don't know why, but it had a very cool sense about it. My favorite sentences were 'as it paled against the city.' and 'feet followed grey-scale ground.' Good work