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Unsafe ~ Chapter 10

by dogsrule5, corgisrock22


You made it to Pennsylvania, but were still a few hours away from Pittsburg.

**

Finally a few hours had passed and you were now in Pittsburg. You took out your phone and went to google maps. You gave the phone to Izzy.

“Type the address of my old place into my phone.” You say.

“Okay, what’s the address again?” Izzy replies

“664 Richwood Pittsburg Pennsylvania.”

“Alright.” You hear the clicks of her typing into the mini keyboard on the phone.

“In 2.6 miles, turn left.” The phone says.

“I hate that phone thing. It’s so annoying.” Izzy says.

“Yeah I know.” You say back.

You finally arrive at the house. No wonder no one lives in it, it’s broken and torn to pieces. Glass from the windows is spread out through the yard and it most likely in the house too.

“Should we go in?” Izzy says opening the car door.

“Well. I don’t know.” You say. “It looks, dangerous.”

“Yeah, the perfect place for Amber to do whatever she is going to do with Adam.”

“You mean Ivy?”

“Amber’s probably in on it too!”

“Yes, she could be, but she sounded pretty convincing when we went to her door demanding to know where the hell he was.”

“She’s like that though. She acts convincing to make herself seem innocent. Why do you think I now have a bad reputation, especially with Toby thanks to you? Also she was fighting with her boyfriend, so she probably wasn’t even thinking when she was talking to us.

“It’s not my fault you went off to help her.”

“Can we not talk about this?”

“Fine, sorry.”

“It’s fine, now let’s go.”

As you open the door one of the screws falls out. “Safe,” you say with a sarcastic tone.

“You’re telling me.” Izzy replies.

You look around the old house, recognizing the kitchen from your dream about your parents dying. Looking at the kitchen you turned your serious expression to a frown. You looked at Izzy, who looked back at you. You were now making eye contact.

“I’m sorry.” Izzy said. “I know this is hard for you, and it would be for Toby too.”

“Its fine, I just feel bad not remembering who they were. Did you know my parents Izzy?”

“Yes.” Izzy says frowning.

“What is it?” You ask sympathetically.

“It’s nothing, it’s just that your parents died so fast, and no one even knew what really happened. I mean especially with Maya and…”

“I know. Maya is the real reason we are in this mess.” You say seriously. “Are Amber and Ivy working for Maya?”

“I don’t even know at this point Irene. Let’s just continue to look around.”

As Izzy says that you begin to hear footsteps down the hall. You and Izzy both look at each other than to the hall. You were afraid of what is happening now. You are wondering who the hell it could be.

“Who is that?” Izzy asks, her voice trembling.

“I... I don’t know.” You say staring down the hall. Your eyes couldn’t blink, you were frozen with fear about who was going to turn the corner in a few seconds.

You hear the footsteps getting closer and closer. Finally someone turned the corner, but you couldn’t see who it was. They were dressed in all black with a black mask. Just then you hear a scream down the hall.

Izzy screamed with fear, as you started running down the hall towards the screaming.

You enter a closet where the screaming continued. You turned on the light and sitting in a chair tied up was Marilyn.

“Oh my God!” You say. “Marilyn are you okay?”

You untied the blindfold from her eyes and untied her legs and arms. Her neck was scratched up pretty bad.

Marilyn stood up hugging you tightly. “Thank God you’re alright.” She said. “Why did you come here?”

“We are looking for Adam. Have you seen him?”

“No darling, but you shouldn’t be here especially with the creep dressed in black running around.”

Marilyn treats you like a mother. She is sweet, nice, caring, and just so much more.

“Marilyn.” You say. “Your neck. You need a doctor or something.”

“Sweetie it’s fine alright. It’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ll get it checked out right after we find Izzy and get out of here.”

“No Marilyn. It’s not fine. I hate to argue with you because you’re an officer for one thing, but on the other hand your neck needs medical attention.” You are now staring Marilyn into the eye, her staring back.

“Irene. Stop it, I’m fine.” You notice Marilyn starting to touch her neck and rub it with her hand.

“Marilyn, please. I know it’s hurting you, but you really need a doctor. We need to go.”

“What about Izzy?”

“I’ll find her, just go to the car out front, and we’ll meet you there.”

“I can’t let you find Izzy alone. That guy or girl dressed in black is still running around.”

You start walking towards the kitchen where Izzy was. When you got there, she was still there thankfully.

You start to tell Izzy about what happened to Marilyn when you hear a thud right behind you.

You turn your head with fear and worry. You see Marilyn on the ground, with blood on the floor.

“Oh my God.” You say practically having a panic attack.

You and Izzy pick up Marilyn gently and take her to the car. You lay her down in the back seat, and you start to drive, while Izzy looks up directions to the nearest hospital.

“Keep going straight.” Izzy said with a panic in her voice. “It should be the next building on the right.”

In about another two minutes you arrive at the hospital you run in and grab a doctor, who gets two nurses to bring in Marilyn. They put Marilyn on a stretcher and instantly put her in a hospital room.

After that you didn’t know what was going on, and you might have to end up staying in the hospital overnight. You have a little money, but not enough for a hotel or an inn. You had no clue what was going on with Marilyn and you were fricking out. You were pacing back in forth with panic written all over your face.

“Girls.” A nurse comes up to us. “We need room for the family members that need to be here, there have been a lot of emergencies today and family members might need to be here.”

“Look.” You reply. “Ma’am. We are here for Marilyn Rose, she is very important and close to us.”

“Don’t panic. She’s in great hands. You can stay, but we’d prefer it if you could stay overnight at a hotel or something, and come back in the morning.”

“We don’t have much money. We have money, but not enough for a hotel. I’m sorry ma’am, but there is nothing we can do. We are not from Pittsburg, we are from New York.”

“Sorry girls, there is nothing I can tell you. You can go out for a little while and come back, but I’ll have to check in for you if you were planning on spending the night.”

The nurse walks away and you notice her starting to talk to someone.

“I think she’s asking if we can spend the night.” Izzy says.

“Yeah, hopefully.” You reply. “I hope Marilyn is going to be alright, we barely made it this far without her.”

“I know. She’ll probably be fine.”

“What if she’s not going to be okay? What if she doesn’t make it? What if-?” You say panicking. You are panicking so much you can’t think straight.

“Woah, Irene.” Izzy says touching your shoulders. “Relax, everything is going to be fine. Stop thinking of the negative side and think on the positive side. Everything is fine and Marilyn is going to be fine.”

You were so scared. If something did happen to Marilyn, how would you live? You made it this far, but the only way you did that was with Marilyn’s help.

You continued to pace back in forth.

A few minutes later you see a bunch of doctors and nurses running into the room Marilyn was in.

“Is she okay?” You ask a nurse trailing behind.

“Yes.” She said sounding worried.

“What’s going on?” You ask with panic in your voice.

“Everything’s fine.” She said quickly running to go into the room. You tried to peek inside the room, but all you saw was doctors as the nurse closed the door behind her.

Izzy comes back from getting water for both of you, and you are pacing back and forth faster than you were before.

“Woah.” Izzy says. “Relax.”

“How can I relax when a bunch of nurses and doctors just ran into Marilyn’s room panicking?”

“What?!” Izzy said surprise in her voice. “How is this happening?”

“That creep must’ve done something else to Marilyn. I don’t know what though. All I saw was the scratches on her neck. Maybe he or she did something, and that’s why Marilyn passed out on the floor.”

“Maybe. But what in the world would they do that?”

“Maybe Marilyn figured it out, or maybe he or she just did that because she’s helping us.”

“I thought you were the target though.”

“I am, but sometimes the way to get to me is hurt my helpers. Maybe, I don’t know who I am, but this person does, and we have to find out who was that guy dressed in black.”

Izzy doesn’t reply. She looked like she was in deep thought, thinking about the whole situation that we are in.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess.” You say to her frowning. “I just can’t deal with this. Marilyn is like one of my closet people on my side, and I… I just…”

“Look, I get it.”

You both stop talking for a while. You are trying to hold back your tears, but they are coming out like a rushing river.

Izzy looks at you. “Oh my God!” She says. “You’re crying. Irene everything is going to be fine. I saw those doctors leave a few minutes ago. They said she was okay.”

“I can’t help it Izzy.”

It’s now dark outside. You have no place to go, but stay in the lobby of the hospital. The lady at the front desk said it would be okay, but only for tonight. You know that you can’t go back to New York, without Marilyn. She probably didn’t bring a car here, that creep probably brought her here. You knew you had to take Marilyn home, but you didn’t know when she would be out of the hospital, so that makes it hard. You have no place to stay for the time being. You just have to ask around for a place to stay. That’s the best you could come up with.

As you lay there in the hospital chairs, thoughts are circling around in your head, and you can’t stop them.

Is Marilyn going to be alright? You wonder. Where are we going to stay? We have to ask around, but that’s too dangerous. What if something happens to Izzy? Or anyone else? Where’s Adam? What if he’s not okay? Where could he be?

All these things are circling around in your brain. You look at the time and it’s one A.M. You look over at Izzy who is asleep. You don’t know how she’s sleeping.

A nurse comes up to you.

“You’re here for Marilyn Rose correct?”

“Yes.”

“Come with me, we need to talk a minute.”

“Okay.” There are so many thoughts going on in your head as the memories of Marilyn are swirling around.

“I’m sorry to say…” The nurse begins, “We are not sure that Marilyn is going to make it. We did all we could, but there is a fifty, fifty chance that she will live or pass. I’m terribly sorry. You are more than welcome to go in and visit.” The nurse walks away. As you watch her exit into a room tears are running down your race, as you remember how much Marilyn has helped you.

You tell Izzy what the nurse had said. Izzy may not have known Marilyn that well, but you see her expression turn sad.

“Go visit her.” Izzy said. “This may be your last moment.” She says trying to stop tears.”

You say nothing and you go up to Marilyn’s room door. You stare at it for a few seconds before opening it. You open it quietly and as you walk in Marilyn looks up at you smiling.

“Marilyn,” You say your voice shaky as you’re trying not to cry. You voice and face is full of sadness, you can tell my Marilyn’s expression, “I’m so sorry for dragging you into this mess. If it wasn’t for me this wouldn’t have happened.”

You turn away from Marilyn unable to look at her face which shows pain.

“I wanted to help.” She said putting a hand on your shoulder. “I love you Irene, you are like a daughter to me. I’ll always be here to protect you.”

You don’t reply. You look at Marilyn’s sad eyes. You can tell she’s in a lot of pain.

“I’m sorry.” You say, your voice now a whisper. “This is all my fault, and I… I wish I never dragged you into this mess.”

“Oh darling.” Marilyn says. “It’s not your fault, and if I you hadn’t come to me, you may not be here right now. Irene you did the right thing by coming to me.”

You wipe tears from your eyes. You look around the room. The walls are painted a pastel blue and there is a lamp with a blue lampshade with a green flower on it. Beside the bed there is a nightstand which holds the lamp and flowers. You look back at Marilyn and see her smile. You try to smile back, but you can’t. You let out a sob.

“Sweetie,” Marilyn says. “Don’t cry. Everything is going to be alright.”

“I can’t help it. You’re here because of me.”

“Stop lying to yourself. None of this is your fault.”

“Yes it is Marilyn. It’s the truth. I’m not a good person.”

“Yes you are. You may not know who you are, but I know deep down there is a person who holds amazing love and kindness. Irene, you need to find that, and that’s why I helped you. If I didn’t care about you Irene, I wouldn’t be here in this hospital bed. I went to your old house to find Adam. I wanted you to be with him. Every time you see him I get to see you smile.”

“I didn’t think you cared about me that much.” You said wiping more tears from your eyes.

“I love you Irene.”

You are both silent for a while.

“You should get some rest.” You say starting to leave the room.

“I love you darling. Don’t ever forget that.”

“I love you too.” You reply as you shut the door exiting the room. You start to cry harder.


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364 Reviews


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Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:31 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, dogsrule5! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

By the way, dogs totally rule, take that @Sheytato.

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



google maps


"google maps" is a proper noun, so it must be capitalized.

You made it to Pennsylvania, but were still a few hours away from Pittsburg.


You don't really need this. It was just a section of it's own, and everyone knows that Pittsburg is in PA. Just put that they arrived at Pittsburg and leave it at that.

“Type the address of my old place into my phone.” You say.


You do this a lot... you put a period instead of a comma in dialogue and that's incorrect. Also, you capitalize non-proper nouns in the tag line and that's incorrect as well. Check out this article and this article for help on your grammar. Also in the same set of forums is another article about dialogue (if you have a PC or Mac computer just do Command F and search dialogue in).

I also disagree with the reviewer below. This is a major issue, actually, and it needs to be fixed immediately. It is not an author's style choice, like capitalizing a sad story (look at "dear you" for an example). It is a true grammar issue.

I will not point this out again. This was your major grammar issue and I needed to point it out.

664 Richwood Pittsburg Pennsylvania


Whenever you write an address, always include one of these types of street names after the actual proper noun for the street name. Also, there should be a comma after the city and street. For example:

Spoiler! :
664 Richwood Ave., Pittsburg, Pennsylvania


Just something to keep in mind.

No wonder no one lives in it, it’s broken and torn to pieces. Glass from the windows is spread out through the yard and it most likely in the house too.


The first sentence is a comma splice. To fix this particular one, add a semi-colon. Check out the article in order to understand them.

"it" should be "it's," but I'm pretty sure that that was a typo.

Yeah I know


Comma after "yeah."

Izzy said


Tense change. Should be "says."

You do this a lot, actually. I recommend going throughout your whole story and if there's anything in past tense change it to present tense.

I don’t even know at this point Irene


Comma after "point."

you were fricking out


"fricking" should be "freaking."

She said quickly running to go into the room


Comma after "said."

fifty, fifty


"fifty fifty" is one word, like: "fifty-fifty."

race


Should be face.

Suggestions:



In the scene where the man in black attacks Marilyn, maybe have Irene see him/her a little? Like, I was a little confused that Irene didn't see the attacker at all...

Also, when Irene is reminiscing on Marilyn and their adventures together, maybe point a few specific things out that wasn't mentioned in the story itself. The little, meaningful things that makes Marilyn's possible death more heartbreaking.

Confusing things:



In the scene where Irene finds Marilyn, it seems a) too easy of a solution and b) the man in black not sorry for the reference :3 would be blocking her way, right?

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



You made it to Pennsylvania, but were still a few hours away from Pittsburg.


Not a nitpick. Not a lot of people use Pennsylvania as their chosen state for a setting, so good job on uniqueness.

The man in black is Adam, isn't it? I KNOW IT.

I love you


AWWWWWWWWWWWW

Overall:



Overall, a lot of grammar issues, but those can be fixed easily. This is also quite a bit short (it seems long due to the dialogue). However, if you use the suggestions, it should be a little longer and a lot more interesting for people to read :D keep up the great work.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review! Appreciate it!

Also, I won't tell you who the man in black is, but you'll be completely surprised. The man in black is only mentioned I think once in the next chapter at least so far, and my plans for the future won't involve the man in black, but don't worry there are many more plans for the sneaky man in black in the future.

You are wrong, the man in black is not Adam, you'll be in for a surprise when you find out who it is, but that is in another chapter for another day.



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Mon Oct 23, 2017 11:49 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



The only minor thing that needs tweaking, and I say minor because it really doesn't confuse the reader but is just a matter of convention, is the punctuation of the dialogue.

1. Use a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said"):
"I would like to go to the beach this weekend," she told him as they left the apartment.

https://www.thebalance.com/punctuating- ... ng-1277721


Two examples:

Incorrect: “You should get some rest.” You say starting to leave the room.

Correct: “You should get some rest,” you say starting to leave the room.
--------------------------------------

Incorrect: “I didn’t think you cared about me that much.” You said wiping more tears from your eyes.

Correct:“I didn’t think you cared about me that much,” you said wiping more tears from your eyes.


That should get the editors off your case when you submit.




dogsrule5 says...


Okay thanks so much for the review! I appreciate it, I'll definitely work on that! :D

~Dogs




The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare