• Home

Young Writers Society


by alpacaboss

One made me a queen

To be loved and respected;

The other treated me like a child

To be ordered, dictated.

One put me on a throne,

His eyes and heart for me alone.

The other put himself on a pedestal;

Then pushed me away, letting me fall.

One adored me

And called me priceless

The other despised me

And called me worthless.

How my heart shatters into pieces

When I come to bitter realization

They are one and the same

The prince and the villain

I don’t understand it.

How could someone be so kind

And mutate into something

With a violent mind.

He was sweet

His voice was like a lark.

How was I supposed to know

His intentions turn dark?

The two personas are

One and the same.

He thinks it’s all just

A petty game.

He’s played with my heart that’s no joke

Now he’s left it all in shambles

He had with a smirk on his face

When he saw me start to crumble.

How could you? I say

As he walks away.

Never will I trust a man again

For my poor heart’s sake.


P.S. This poem is not based on my life. It's just short poem I came up while working on a lengthier project, a short story (not related to the poem) I hope to post.

P.S.S. The short story is already out! It is called Bearers of the Light. If you read it, hope you like it :)

Is this a review?



User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 68
Reviews: 22

Mon Jul 10, 2023 6:04 am
epotts1 wrote a review...

hey there a random person leaving a review ;)
first of all i loved how it sounded, it sounded so deep so emotional. You delved in perfectly with what this feels like and I absolutely love it!

"One adored me

And called me priceless

The other despised me

And called me worthless." these lines really captured me, as someone who has struggled with people pleasing it's hard to know when there are two personas but this is how it feels.

"How could someone be so kind

And mutate into something

With a violent mind.

He was sweet

His voice was like a lark.

How was I supposed to know

His intentions turn dark?" This illustrates the person you hope he is, who you believe he is, who you want to believe "who" he is. But the writer also illustrates she didn't see it coming because she was fooled by the good persona....i can personally relate. I did it for four years.


alpacaboss says...

Thank you for your review! Thank you for your compliments too %u263A%uFE0F

User avatar
138 Reviews

Points: 8863
Reviews: 138

Sat Jun 17, 2023 2:09 am
KaiaJersaga wrote a review...

Well, well, well. What do we have here? A piece by alpacaboss. Wow are you good with words! I would have thought you were spilling your whole romance life story out on the pages of this piece because this actually sounds remarkably realistic. Good writing here.

I love the comparison and contrast of the beginning and the dramatic reveal that these two people are in fact the same person. Though I have never once in my life been in a romance, I can tell yuh that people are like this. They totally take advantage of each other's feeling and weaknesses. I can totally picture the guy you described here. And what's so cool about this is that the mental image of the guy will be different for everyone who reads this. For me, I actually pictured one of my characters, lol.

I think this was probably my favorite line.

One put me on a throne,

His eyes and heart for me alone.

The other put himself on a pedestal;

Then pushed me away, letting me fall.

That's so perfect! First the guy makes you feel so special and then knocks you right to the ground. Wow! I would say I sympathize with you're feelings, but I guess this is all made up, but clearly, my friend, you have a realistic imagination.
Have a great day...or...if your in my time zone, night. Zzzzz

alpacaboss says...

Thank you for your review and encouragement! I'm glad you liked it :)
I'm happy with the reception of everyone to this poem even though it's rough on the edges with some parts. Thanks for coming and reviewing :D

KaiaJersaga says...

Glad to spread a little encouragement. :)

User avatar
20 Reviews

Points: 349
Reviews: 20

Wed Jun 07, 2023 2:19 am
leleparadise wrote a review...

Hello, hope all is well. Here with a review and should I say, I truly enjoyed this poem

The distinct comparisons between the personalities were described very well. I loved how you paralleled the differences within the lines. Especially when you said "One adored me and called me priceless. The other despised me and called me worthless". This I feel was the strongest line in this poem. More comparative notes like this would really add the extra umph this poem needs to truly portray the different personalities that you want to describe to the reader.

At first I thought you were talking about two different people. I assumed two parents. Maybe one was more favoring of the narrator than the other. Until you said that it was the same person. Which, agreeing with a previous reviewer, the reveal was spoiled by the title of the poem.

I still appreciate how you called him the "prince and the villian". Though I feel these two words to describe the person in question doesn't have a strong enough correlation to each other. When I think of the opposite of a prince, I assume a monster that is supposed to be slayed. When I think of the opposite of a villian, I think of a hero that saves the day.

One of the few things that threw me off was when you repeated "One and the same" in a separate line. I don't think it was necessary to emphasize this as you already mentioned this. I definitely suggest finding another way to word this to explain the opposites being forged together as one.

Also, I noticed the rhyme scheme changes throughout the poem. I'm not sure if this was intentional but it threw off the rhythm and flow of the poem itself. It feels as though 2/3's of the poem, you put a lot of thought and emotion into and the rest was kind of rushed to finish. You started off strong, do your best to end off strong as well.

Over all, it's a good start and I highly motivate you to revise and submit another draft of this because it has a lot of potential. I've had my fair share of interactions with people who were two faced and I was able to relate to this in some ways which I appreciate.

Keep up the good work

alpacaboss says...

Thanks for your review! It looks like a lot of people are saying the same thing so I%u2019m thinking of revising it one day. Although just to explain, I threw off the rhythm and flow at the end because it was to show the narrator crumbling to pieces, not being able to keep up with her composed explanation of what she felt. But I%u2019ll defo take your suggestions into consideration


User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 10

Sun Jun 04, 2023 5:13 am
tropicalmango wrote a review...

Hi, a new user here, yours is actually the first piece of writing I've read on this site :).
I love the constant contrast of adjectives throughout, with "priceless" and "worthless", and I could definitely feel the undertones of hurt and betryal echoing from throughout the poem
The reveal of the two personas being the same person to me was a twist that could be the highlight of the poem, and the fact tha you continue on with the stark juxtaposition of the hurt he was causing you with words like "crumble" and "shambles", but yet he derives joy from it with a "smirk" really shows the twisted and cruel nature of said person.
It was also clever how the language varied from start to end, starting off in a more innocent tone and slowly moving to dark and heavy, seeming to symbolise how through the process you lost your innocence.
I look forward to your short story.

alpacaboss says...

Thank you for your review and welcome to YWS!

User avatar
1218 Reviews

Points: 146890
Reviews: 1218

Sun Jun 04, 2023 2:09 am
View Likes
alliyah wrote a review...

Hey there alpaca, it sounds like this is part of an interesting project!

So I really like the theme - I think it's very straight-forward and one a lot of people can relate to being in relationships or friendships with people who are two-faced in some manner.

The overall story of the poem seems to be that the narrator was in love with someone, or had a close relationship with the subject, but they also sometimes hurt her with their actions and intentions, the speaker had to come with terms that these two sides of the person were really who they were - then they felt betrayed like their heart had been used as a game, and ultimately their love left them, making them feel like they could never trust a man again. There's a whole sweep of a story there from love, to realization, to betrayal.

I like the aspect of the poem that this wasn't just a description of a person, but there was actually action and growth / realization within the narrator - that really made for a more interesting read.

I think there are aspects of the poem that feel a little generic, and I think could be taken to the next level if there was a little specificity given - what were his "dark intentions" - what was his "kindness"? I like the aspect where the narrator describes his voice, and then also the metaphor of the "game" used.


A few other miscellaneous comments I have -

I think you set up the beginning of the poem to be a pretty neat reveal, because the first few lines in, you set it up to make the reader think that these two people being described are actually two separate people so that the reader can be suprised along with the speaker of their shared identity - however unfortunately your title is so direct "two faced" that it actually gives away the "reveal" before we even start reading, so I didn't find myself surprised at all - I think if you're going to play with that ambiguity at the beginning it'd be instrumental to change the title to something more ambiguous or less on the nose too.

Also I think the way you set up the beginning I couldn't really tell if the person the speaker was talking about was a friend, or a father, or a lover and that made it a little hard to connect to the poem or place what it was supposed to make me feel. I think that the poem was about romantic love turned bad based on the ending, but even at the end I'm really not entirely sure - I think that being less ambiguous might help the poem connect a bit more too.

Overall, it's an interesting read and a good concept that I think a lot of readers will be able to connect to. I didn't really see any grammar /spelling issues, so good job with double-checking everything so it appeared polished at the end here.


alpacaboss says...

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you taking a lot of time and effort to review this. It helps me improve my writing :D

User avatar
135 Reviews

Points: 13364
Reviews: 135

Fri Jun 02, 2023 10:42 pm
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...

Hi! This is a random weirdo here to review.

This seems kinda like a story, but in a very poetic form. (I mean, a lot of poems are...)

Throughout the whole poem you kept the same betrayed tone, which can be hard to do. Especially with poems. And I could feel the character's frustration and anger at what he had done while I was reading. I was hooked to the end, and you finished it off beautifully.

I think my favorite part was:

"The two personas are

One and the same.

He thinks it’s all just

A petty game."

I can't wait to read your short story when it comes out!

alpacaboss says...

Thanks for your review! I really hope the short story doesn%u2019t disappoint y%u2019all >_<

alpacaboss says...

Thanks for your review! I really hope the short story does not disappoint you all >_<

User avatar
195 Reviews

Points: 14082
Reviews: 195

Fri Jun 02, 2023 1:00 pm
loveissourgrapes wrote a review...

Hey there! This is Ina aka loveissourgrapes back to review/comment about your writings again because I love 'em. I thought this one was based but it wasn't, kinda sad some people can experience this. But I will look forward to your short story that is related to this poem. Anyways, let's go.

It is very bad to meet people with two personas, one is the sweet one and then the next they're mean. Like if you meet a person like this, run and make these people go to therapy. What I like how you describe about this man who is so called two-faced is that he gives of mysterious vibes too. Aside from the fact he's both tow-faced and mysterious, he could be creepy too.

This reminds of men show actions that they like you, then the next he either sees you as a friend or just plain rude. Overall, this poem is good. I want to see how the short story will go with the poem so I won't say much about this. Writing wise, I feel like the words, "my heart" seemed repetitive. A synonym of heart??

Have a great day/night! Keep on writing too c:

alpacaboss says...

Thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoy my writings; I appreciate that comment very much :D

The short story isn't going to be related to this though. I might say it's more dramatic and a bit more dark, but not related to romance. Hope I finish it soon heh

Thanks for your comment about the repetitiveness. I do have a tendency to repeat things if I'm in a rush or don't edit my work (guilty).

Thanks once again! :D

loveissourgrapes says...

You're welcome! Oh I see, that would be nice actually if it was darker.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare