z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

Hand

by alpacaboss


My life has always been mundane;

Waking up is a constant pain.

Much paperwork and plastic friends,

Everything is simply pretend.

***

However, these days I observe

Something is getting on my nerves.

Or someone? It is annoying

Seeing these peculiar things.

***

A rap on my door by no one

Blinking of streetlights at near dawn.

Footsteps thundering from my back

While going home when the sky’s black.

***

One night as I lay in bed to sleep,

I decided to take a peep

At my window that gives a scene,

A city with glowing lights’ sheen.

***

Instead there was deafening night

And a hand of someone in plight,

Resting bloody hand in plain sight.

That was the last I saw of light.

***

***

I uncovered this poem that I wrote two years ago. Figured I'd share it here. This was written when I wasn't writing poems as often as now. Tell me what you think :D


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
145 Reviews

Points: 9806
Reviews: 145

Donate
Thu Aug 10, 2023 11:18 pm
Kaia wrote a review...



Hm...Well, this isn't quite as nearly ironed out as your newer poems. However, after a deeper look into it, I find myself liking it. :)

The beginning two stanzas nicely demonstrate the boredom of the main character. I imagine the plastic friends to be either people that seem so ordinary that they are more plastic than human or literal plastic friends, perhaps something like figurine toys...or maybe my first thought, plastic utensils that the main character has formed into friends, perhaps even giving them faces. Despite the fact that these were my first mental images at these lines, the work "paperwork" is quite an adult word, so perhaps the main character isn't actually a child...

Either way, this main character is obviously tired of the mundane. (Another word that hints that the MC is a working adult) Additionally, the description of his or her getting irritated by something sounds quite legitimate and not at all childish. My confusion is now that the main character is no child.

Well, then we have the main character get out of bed to investigate. There seems to be no fear in him or her...an obvious sign of maturity. But there, behold a bloody hand! After all the suspense and adult-like word choice, I do not hesitate to believe this is real-not an element of the main characters imagination, but that leaves the question, if the main character doesn't see the light anymore, who wrote the poem???

I hope some of the rambles here made some sense. XD Overall, another enjoyable poem, and I like how it still has your style even if it was written a long time ago. :)
-Kaia




alpacaboss says...


Thanks for the review, Kaia! Really appreciate it as always :D



Kaia says...


You're welcome!!



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 9
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sat Aug 05, 2023 7:22 pm
GFB1011 wrote a review...



This poem offers a gripping portrayal of a person's mundane life turning eerie and unsettling. The repetition of mundane activities creates a sense of monotony and discomfort. The introduction of peculiar events and mysterious occurrences adds an intriguing layer to the narrative. The imagery of a city with glowing lights' sheen turning into a scene of horror with a resting bloody hand leaves a chilling impact on the reader. The poem effectively captures a shift from the ordinary to the uncanny, making it a thought-provoking and haunting read.

Cheers,
GFB1011




alpacaboss says...


Thank you for your review! Cheers!



User avatar
76 Reviews

Points: 134
Reviews: 76

Donate
Fri Aug 04, 2023 5:31 pm
ariah347 wrote a review...



Nice discovery! Always fun to come across old writing. I have been terrible at preserving mine!! This poem presents a short but intriguing glimpse into your life, hinting at a shift from the mundane to the mysterious and eerie. The use of concise and rhythmic rhyming couplets adds a poetic quality to the writing, enhancing its overall impact.

The opening lines effectively set the tone and mood, expressing a sense of monotony and dissatisfaction with life. The phrases "mundane life" and "constant pain" immediately conveys your feelings of boredom and discontent. The use of alliteration in "much paperwork and plastic friends" adds a subtle poetic touch and emphasizes the artificiality and emptiness of the narrator's surroundings.

The transition in the third stanza is intriguing as you begin to notice peculiar occurrences that seem to disturbing. The ambiguity of whether something or someone is the bother adds a sense of mystery, leaving me curious to learn more.

The fourth stanza introduces a series of eerie and unexplained events, such as a rap on the door by no one and blinking streetlights at an unusual time. The use of sensory language, such as "footsteps thundering" and "the sky's black," creates a vivid atmosphere and heightens the sense of unease.

The fifth stanza takes a dark turn as you describe a chilling scene something is witnessed while looking out the window at night. The contrast between the expected "city with glowing lights' sheen" and the ominous "deafening night" and "bloody hand in plain sight" creates a powerful and haunting image.

The use of the phrase "That was the last I saw of light" as the concluding line adds a sense of foreboding and finality. It left me with questions about what exactly has been witnessed and what consequences it may have.

While this poem effectively creates an eerie and mysterious atmosphere, there is room for further development and expansion. The brevity of the piece leaves some elements open to interpretation, which can be both intriguing and frustrating depending on the reader. Expanding on the details of the peculiar occurrences, emotions, and reactions could add depth to the narrative and create an even more immersive experience.

Overall, this poem effectively introduces an eerie and mysterious theme, leaving me wanting to know more about the narrator's experiences. I enjoyed it!!




alpacaboss says...


Thank you so much for your review! Glad you enjoyed it :D
(Side note: I had no idea what was going in my mind that made the last stanza so morbid. Anyways hahahah)



User avatar


Points: 25
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed Aug 02, 2023 6:44 pm
swagglepunk wrote a review...



hello there!!

so, first and foremost, i want to say that i love the way you rhyme throughout the poem (i could literally never i’m so bad with rhyming). the entire piece is very thought provoking and makes you want to read more. i especially loved the last few lines, all the words ending in “ight” was so satisfying and tied it together perfectly.

“waking up is a constant pain.” i felt that in my soul. i really like how the tone starts unhappy and gradually gets into the uncomfortable, suspenseful side of things.

to me it seems like the narrator is being stalked, and it’s causing irritation. nobody Wants to see and hear things. it makes you feel crazy!

i’m guessing this doesn’t have a happy ending based on the last line. is the stalker a serial killer of sorts? it seems they have two victims, with the person in plight reaching their bloody hand to the narrator’s window— which, is a horrifying image haha.

i can’t help but wonder, did the killer bring their victim to the narrator’s window on purpose? they would know where they live if they’d been stalking them. it would just make it all that much more chilling and sinister.

overall, great work!! i’ll definitely have to read your more recent poems if your old ones are this good :)




alpacaboss says...


Thank you for your review and encouragements! :D

I randomly made this poem out of a prompt I saw called "Hand". And then I thought of this suspense, somewhat grotesque idea, the protagonist seeing a bloody hand.

I may not exactly remember my intentions while I was writing this, but I think your interpretations are great and show a promising view on the poem.

Have a great day/night!



User avatar
198 Reviews

Points: 14232
Reviews: 198

Donate
Wed Aug 02, 2023 6:14 pm
loveissourgrapes wrote a review...



Hiii there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment on your poem. This poem is great. I cannot believe that the young writers there are very sad. Because it's summer and summer makes me happy. But you guys do you, I don't mind. Your writings are great. Anyways, to your poem.

My life has always been mundane;

Waking up is a constant pain.

Much paperwork and plastic friends,

Everything is simply pretend.


In this stanza, the narrator sounds sad like nothing special is happening to their life. To me, this is like a story. A story of a teenager waking up in pain because of school and their friends that are fake. Like I said, nothing special is happening in their life. It's summer, every normal teenager goes into summer vacation. But this narrator, they cannot feel that way because of their school and their fake plastic friends.

Note for author or for anyone that feels this way: If you feel this way, get rid of those toxic friends and your stress for your school will lessen. Believe me because I have done it. Your life will feel free.

However, these days I observe

Something is getting on my nerves.

Or someone? It is annoying

Seeing these peculiar things.


Since you have called this a mystery/suspense poem, you can see that the narrator's days don't feel normal. Seeing these things or even a someone that feels off and annoying. This stanza kind of reminds me of Elsa in the second Frozen movie, in the song Into the Unknown. If you know you know hehe. Although, this first two stanza does not rhyme. But it's okay though. It feels like this poem is fictional but I still hope you are doing fine.

A rap on my door by no one

Blinking of streetlights at near dawn.

Footsteps thundering from my back

While going home when the sky’s black.


Now, these lines rhyme. The pattern goes AABB. Looking out the window and searching what is that one thing that is bothering the narrator. Since it seems like it is nearly dawn in this stanza, the narrator seems like they don't have sleep too. I do not get the last line of this stanza though.

One night as I lay in bed to sleep,

I decided to take a peep

At my window that gives a scene,

A city with glowing lights’ sheen.


It is good that this goes with the same pattern as the previous stanza. This is my favorite stanza over all. Perfection.

Instead there was deafening night

And a hand of someone in plight,

Resting bloody hand in plain sight.

That was the last I saw of light.


If you think about, this stanza, the pattern is AAAA. Well, at least the rhyme. Well, this sounds like a good chapter and a great plot twist on who owns the hand. It could be a neighbor or one of her plastic friends. It's like I read a chapter/novel. And the last line sound like the narrator was killed by the bloody hand. What do you think?

Over all, the first two lines don't rhyme but you can see that it can be a little dark because of the ending. Leaving you questions and pondering who's the bloody hand and was the narrator killed. Keep it up! I love it! Have a wonderful day/night!




alpacaboss says...


Thank you for your review!

This line "While going home when the sky%u2019s black." means going home at night time. Not just evening, but night time or even during midnight. Since sky black, yeah hahahaha

" I cannot believe that the young writers there are very sad. Because it's summer and summer makes me happy. But you guys do you, I don't mind. Your writings are great."

This was a poem I found long ago and I think I wrote this around November 2021. So perhaps I was feeling particularly melancholy or something to write this lol. I just wanted to share this old poem of mine :D

Have a great summer break!



loveissourgrapes says...


okay, I got it! yeah, I saw it at the end too that it was written a few years ago. you're welcome!! keep writing<3




It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire