z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Hero's Dilemma

by alpacaboss


They’re all chanting,

Shouting my name.

Grateful that I

Saved them from pain.

***

Smiling faces,

Relieved fathers,

Joyous children,

Singing mothers.

***

I stand before

A multitude.

But all I want

Is solitude.

***

“Shrivel and die!”

Voices declare.

“When they know, let’s

See how you’d fare.”

***

The screams within

Overpowered

The people’s praise

Growing louder.

***

A war began

Boiling in me.

One for me and

One against me.

***

“Ends justify

The means,” they say.

But it doesn’t

Hold true today.

***

My sins are great,

A high mountain.

They remind me

How much I’ve slain.

***

Can this person

Sit on the throne

When the past won’t

Leave me alone?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
79 Reviews

Points: 7948
Reviews: 79

Donate
Sat Sep 02, 2023 3:06 am
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Hi there, alpaca! :D

This is a nice poem with an interesting question. It's vague enough that it keeps the reader guessing, but also has enough details to deliver the intended message. Clearly, as a hero, the narrator doesn't feel all happy or innocent, since they've probably had to murder people. Or maybe they're an introvert, hence the third stanza XD. This poem points out that life isn't just good-versus-evil, as there are morally-grey stuff too.

“Ends justify

The means,” they say.


I was wondering why you left "the" out of the first line, but after a good 2 minutes of staring at it, I finally realized... All the lines are 4 syllables!! Ahhh I can't believe I didn't see that sooner!! *facepalm*

That's certainly really cool, and it's impressive you managed to write the whole poem in that format! I bet it wasn't easy, but you made it work.

My favorite stanza is probably the second one. It succinctly paints a picture of the crowd, while not repeating any adjectives.

The poem is quite vague in its storytelling, and while intriguing, I was also hoping for a *little bit* more info about the hero. Especially after the reveal that they might've been a royal all along (or maybe won it after their deeds?). That being said, I understand if it was a subtle approach and the story was meant to be pieced together using the clues. I'm probably just not used to poems like that, so I was hoping for more direct answers.

Can this person

Sit on the throne

When the past won’t

Leave me alone?


I really like the rhyme and the ending question here! It makes an impactful last stanza. I'm curious what exactly the hero did to be haunted by their past this much. Wonder if they won the throne after killing the "villains"? In that case, maybe they did have morally-grey motives indeed...

Also in the last stanza, it seems that "this person" is also referring to the "me" / narrator. I think it'd make more sense if you stuck with the third-person term at the end, too (ex: "this person"/ "leave them alone", and not "me"). Personally, I think that'd make it clearer. Or you could also change "person" to "hero" in the first line, to clarify it's the narrator. That should keep it at 4 syllables as well.

Anyways, great job on this poem! You expressed the narrator's conflicted feelings very well, and it was an interesting read. I hope the hero can find inner peace someday.

Have a fabulous day/night! :D




alpacaboss says...


Thank you for your review! Really appreciate it :D

I intended the poem to be vague to let the reader conceptualize of what happened and what is happening. I'm try to experiment in poetry that is vague yet tells a story at the same time. so that's it hehe



User avatar
461 Reviews

Points: 6251
Reviews: 461

Donate
Mon Aug 28, 2023 5:37 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hi! I hope you're having a good day thus far!

I really enjoyed the simplicity of this poem. Each stanza feels like a snapshot out of the 'heroes' life. Yet even when things are looking up, they feel some sort of discontent.

I particularly liked the fourth stanza:

The screams within

Overpowered

The people’s praise

Growing louder.


It shows that much of the heroes conflict comes from within themselves. That though whatever external threat is no longer an issue, they still can't get away from the guilt of their actions.

I noticed that you had a bit of a rhyme scheme going, but that some stanza's worked better than others. In most, you have near rhymes, such as in your opening segment:

They’re all chanting,

Shouting my name.

Grateful that I

Saved them from pain.


Or when you rhyme "me" with "me" here:

A war began

Boiling in me.

One for me and

One against me.


(Which, though this stanza has really cool imagery, can feel a tad repetitive. Especially since you use "me" again in the third line.)

So, in some stanzas you have complete rhymes, ("throne" and alone" as an example) whereas in others you don't. This can make the reading experience a bit jarring.

To clarify, it is totally okay for poems not to have a rhyme scheme! What's great about poetry is that the writer can create their own playbook. But it's important that the author is consistent with their own rules, as not to lose "trust" with the reader.

However, the poetry itself is excellent! This was a well written poem with a lot of interesting things to say! I hope to see more like it from you in the future. Keep on writing, and have a great day! :D




alpacaboss says...


Thanks for your review! Really appreciate it :D



Horisun says...


No problem!




Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb