Song Name "What Happened to the Time"
Verse 1:
Oh, what happened to the time
I thought we had so long
Oh, how it still pains me
That he's (she's) gone
Pre - Chorus: ...
The moments that we shared
Bring tears to my eyes
Oh, how I remember
The joy that was in his(her) life
Oh, tell me what happened to the time
Verse 2:
Oh, the memories of you
Keep me awake at night
Oh, how I long to see you
In God's holy light
Pre - Chorus:
The moments we shared
Bring tears to my eyes
Oh, how I remember
The joy that was in his(her) life
Oh, tell me what happened to the time
(on the last time going through the pre - chorus, repeat the last line twice.)
Chorus:
Many years later and I'll
Still be thinking about
The first time we met
Until the day you left
Oh I will love and miss you
We were friends 'till the end
One day we'll meet
Again in Heaven
End with Pre - Chorus
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Verse 1:
Nice entry, I feel that it is very emotionally charged. The last two lines aren't anything new though. You might want to consider something more original.
Pre - Chorus: ...
The second line and the first line in the pre-chorus seem to clash as far as sound goes. The rhythm feels slightly off here to me. I think you should change the next to last line to, "The joy she brought my life." That's just my opinion, it would make the poem feel more personal. Then again, it could look like naval gazing.
Verse 2:
Not much I can say about this verse. It is well written, evokes an image, and it flows well. Nicely done!
Pre - Chorus:
Another note on the pre-chorus, 'brings' and 'tears' both have an s sound at the end. You should revise these lines because the similar sounds at the end, especially an s sound, don't work out well. Other than that, this stanza also evokes great imagery. You make it easy to relate to the 'narrator'.
Chorus:
I was liking it up until the last line, when the rhyme with 'Heaven' felt forced. End and 'Heaven' are slant rhymes, but to me, they aren't slant rhymes that really work.
Nicely done, Hsarver, it's good to see poems out there with good, real emotional content. Remember, there's no such thing as a final draft, so keep on polishing! Good luck, and keep writing.
Thanks for the review! I appreciate your suggestions and your advice, I will try to revise it, and improve in the future.
And yes it was "emotionally charged" I wrote for a close friend of mine, she was going through a hard time.
Since these are lyrics, I have one question. How are you supposed to sing/chant "That he's (she's) gone"? (By the way this line felt too short). How do you sing "he's (she's)"? he's parenthesis she's parenthesis? That doesn't make any sense. You should pick one side of the relationship and stick with it.
And with the pre-choruses, why aren't those just in the verses? That's basically what they are, just a separated part of the verses.
Hope this helps!
It is in parenthesis just to show it can be for either gender, it was written for either or. Yeah the pre -chorus should just be added to the verses I do agree. Thanks
Here to review is Knight Malachi, for the KotGR.
Wow, that was . . . beautiful. That was a sad poem, but it still had the hop that we will met in haven. I really enjoyed this poem, because it was well written, I thought it rhymed pretty well, and it was a hopeful poem. There are some poems that are like this, only they seem to have no hope. This one did, and I saw no errors.
Keep it up!