Here is the audio: https://soundcloud.com/hsarvermusic/take-a-chance
Verse 1:
If you only knew all the secrets I have been keeping
I think about them every night while I am sleeping.
And out there it seems so clear,
But in my mind there is so much fear
But I am going to take a chance
Chorus:
(Cause)I want so much more than a dream,
I want to make this our reality
I want this to really be
You and I together forever baby
I’ll treat you like the princess that you are
Give you the desires of your heart
And we’ll fly across the sky
In our magic carpet ride of love
Verse 2:
I know it seems crazy, but I promise you it’s real
I truly love you, that’s the way I feel
And in my heart I am sure
That you’re the one I want in my future
So I am going to take a chance
Chorus:
(Cause)I want so much more than a dream,
I want to make this our reality
I want this to really be
You and I together forever baby
I’ll treat you like the princess that you are
Give you the desires of your heart
And we’ll fly across the sky
In our magic carpet ride of love
Bridge:
Fights will happen and troubles will come
But I will always be with you
I will never leave
You’ve captured my heart and I love you dearly
I will fight for you
I know that you’re the one for me
So I am going to take a chance
Chorus:
(Cause)I want so much more than a dream,
I want to make this our reality
I want this to really be
You and I together forever baby
I’ll treat you like the princess that you are
Give you the desires of your heart
And we’ll fly across the sky
In our magic carpet ride of love
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Augustus here!
The lyrics were kinda good. But the Bridge part was kinda off.
You know what I mean. Sorry but there was no rhythm in that part.
Also some of the lines in your work like this one:
"(Cause)I want so much more than a dream,
I want to make this our reality"
they were just like the very old stuff that is being used over and over again.
So, pal come up with something new and also I suggest you to work on your rhyme skills if you really want to write lyrics. Sorry if there's something that hurts you, I was just trying' to help you buddy. And also I am into poetry not the lyrics and all that.
So here it is. Keep it up and I want to hear more from you.
Goodbye and Best of luck!
Well some lines are a mouth-full, you need to cut them. I didn't bother with the sound-cloud because I don't review music- I review poetry. This is poetic, yes, but it is not wow or amazing in any way and it really should be. We can defiantly tell the difference of arbitrarily long lines no matter how you present them or rectify them in your delivery. We know when your saying them and while you are saying them that you are trying to correct something flawed from the beginning. It's rather sad though because you should have played with the first line to get it working better by at-least making I have into I've, I think it would have sounded better. This will lead to rushing or rhythm-less music every time.
Now I get the rhyme scheme, it is perhaps the best thing about this so far but I don't think you are striving enough to make it beautiful. There is no internal rhyme, rather cliche references to dreams and there is no personal resonating experiences. Instead of just describing how you feel why aren't you attempting to go above and beyond by showing us and walking through the story together. The imagery of her, you; none. the things you love about her and her, you; none. ect. It's just kinda life-less. It is like a song striving to be catchy but lacking the catchy-part.
Just kill everything that has to do with dreaming. It has been everyone's go to phrase. Hold yourself to a higher standard.
Sometimes in songs you can leave a rhyme scheme rather unnoticeably. This is really not one of those times.
And this is the train wreck. There is no rhyme nor rhythm here. Also, the original content is just not there, at all.
Thanks for the review. I agree the bridge was kinda done just to have one. I appreciate the critique.
Welcome!