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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
Hiya Hsarver- here to review your lyrics!
I think you have some really interesting ideas here, it was definitely a strong message here and I can really feel the emotion in this. It's also something that's quite relatable, I mean I totally agree with most of the points you've made in here. Now onto some improvements...
Okay, so this has been mentioned before but imagery! Description! Right now it's pretty flat and could do with some really interesting language. Try and make the readers imagine things, you don't have to say it how it is- you could use some really cool metaphors. I think that's something that this piece is missing. Techniques like metaphors to describe things rather than just saying it.
Secondly, at first the repetition is nice, but after a while it starts to become tedious. Imagine it in a song and having to hear the line 'Oh world why...' in almost every single line. Try and vary it a bit, I mean I see what you're trying to do here but you really don't need that much repetition. A good, chorus (yours is excellent, by the way) which repeats is good enough rather than having it in your verses too. I'd say pick one or the other.
Overall, this was pretty good. Do you have music to go with it? If you do, I'd love to hear it, I can totally imagine it being in a song. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Just a few things:
I think the repetition at the beginning is a bit much. That is that it is repeated too many times within such a short span, especially with the song being kinda short to begin with. With this being said, your flow is really great elsewhere.
I like your content, however, I would suggest a little more imagery. This imagery can really impact a message, this is expecially important for the message you carry in this song. Right now it is tell, tell, tell. Show, describe. Interject sensory things. Taste, touch, sight, smell. Metaphors can be a good way to achieve the imagery.
Keep working with this, and keep writing. I'll keep reading and reviewing.
~Kay
Thanks for the review, I will try to use more imagery in my next song I post.
GriffinClaw here to review!
I don't believe I have met you yet, hullo, I am super new to this! Just joined yesterday in fact.
For starters, I love how you wrote a song of praise to the Lord. Love it. I agree completely with your points. Why does the Earth tell us that fake and earthly things will fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts? Nothing can fill that other than God.
I like how you made two verses and a bridge. This is good for song writing, most well written songs include three parts; chorus, verses, and a bridge. (I know this because my mother is a professional singer/songwriter, FYI)
For grammar's sake, when referring to God as "Him", you should capitalize the 'h'. Also, if you want to switch things up, you could refer to God as Lord, or Christ, just to change things in the song, but that is up to you.
I love this song, do you have a melody for it? Instruments? Or purely vocal? Very interesting, look forward to seeing what else you put out there.
Continue writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks for the compliments, and I do have a melody for it. Here is the link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrvcTlvfzZc I apologize in advance for my lack of singing skills.