We sit on the driftwood,
drawing a heart on the sand and drifting away in the tide with our dreams.
I said the first child would be a boy -- you said girl.
A smile was the final word as we both knew neither of us had the answer.
White fences and front porch swings was your vision,
only years away you said -- so soon, but so far.
Love came in a heartbeat for us, long conversations into the midnight air, a soft touch of fingertips dancing over skin
-- a calming shot of whiskey slipping down into our souls to excite a stronger, enduring flame.
In a web of woven promises and tearful smiles, we parted --
waiting on one day
when we could be together --
when the rift in the sand between us would gravitate back,
the heart broken no longer
but whole.
I sit on the driftwood, watching the waves crash onto the beach.
I told you life wasn't worth living without you here, that time would destroy my heart,
but it beats on.
The tide rolls in over the faded heart in the sand
-- still broken, but now washed clean.
Wow. Just, wow. This is amazing! It's not too long but not too short. It's explanatory enough so we aren't asking a million questions, and yet it leaves you with two. What happened? and Will they get back together? I love all the details and how you changed the "We sit on driftwood" to "I sit on driftwood". I love romance poems and can't wait to read more!
The title was simple yet there's so much to it.
I had so much feels while I was reading it! Everything is literally just so perfect. Teehee
Heya Timmy, as you have requested, here I am to write this review for you. It's quite funny, because I get many people who comment that they want to do poetry reviews, but I'm not very good at those, they're simply not my specialty for some reason. But I will try the best that I can.
Anyways, let's get started, shall we?
This is intriguing , because I loved the main theme of imagery: beaches and driftwood. I absolutely adore visiting the beaches, because I think that it's just an extremely awesome place to reflect on your life.
But, I have got to agree with you, the basis of this idea is pretty much cliche, like you thought. I think that the reason why it's so cliche, is because so many heartbreak poems are written, and so many times there is romance mentioned, that I just feel like readers pass right over them, because of the romance part. You have to ask yourself the question: "How do I make my love/heartbreak poem stand out?How do I even make it different?"
I don't know why I don't of this actually, but I thought that a perspective change would be great. I wan't to hear what the reaction and experience from the girls side was, like how was she stepping through all of this. Maybe why it sounds so cliche right now, is that you make it all one-sided. Sure you do mention girl, but not enough to let us know how she is actually doing.
away in the tide with our dreams.
I said the first child would be a boy -- you said girl.
only years away you said -- so soon, but so far.
White fences and front porch swings was your vision,
came in a heartbeat for us, long conversations
stronger, enduring flame.
the heart broken no longer
but whole.
Absolutely beautiful Tim, honestly far from cliche as cliches could be.
To be quite honest, the writing was so clear and explicit.
wonderfully done
I've read this, but don't think I'm qualified to review it...
I don't think it's as cliché as you're making it out to be, though. I will say that.
Good on you for wri-ting (that's what happens when we're productive XD)
120,211 Literary Works • 649,101 Reviews
Much better.
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