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We sit on the driftood

by TimmyJake


We sit on the driftwood,
drawing a heart on the sand and drifting away in the tide with our dreams.
I said the first child would be a boy -- you said girl.
A smile was the final word as we both knew neither of us had the answer.
White fences and front porch swings was your vision,
only years away you said -- so soon, but so far.
Love came in a heartbeat for us, long conversations into the midnight air, a soft touch of fingertips dancing over skin
-- a calming shot of whiskey slipping down into our souls to excite a stronger, enduring flame.


In a web of woven promises and tearful smiles, we parted --
waiting on one day
when we could be together --
when the rift in the sand between us would gravitate back,
the heart broken no longer
but whole.


I sit on the driftwood, watching the waves crash onto the beach.
I told you life wasn't worth living without you here, that time would destroy my heart,
but it beats on.
The tide rolls in over the faded heart in the sand
-- still broken, but now washed clean.


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43 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:48 pm
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Amabilia wrote a review...



Wow. Just, wow. This is amazing! It's not too long but not too short. It's explanatory enough so we aren't asking a million questions, and yet it leaves you with two. What happened? and Will they get back together? I love all the details and how you changed the "We sit on driftwood" to "I sit on driftwood". I love romance poems and can't wait to read more!




TimmyJake says...


Thank you for the review and compliments!! :)



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Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:06 pm
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MayBaby says...



The title was simple yet there's so much to it.

I had so much feels while I was reading it! Everything is literally just so perfect. Teehee




TimmyJake says...


Thank youuu!!



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Fri Jan 15, 2016 2:32 am
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Wolfical says...



Ahhh wow, that's so beautiful Timmy! <3

(I think the title's perfect.)




TimmyJake says...


Aww, thank you! <3

And okay. I'll just take the "working title" off, then.



Wolfical says...


:D Much better.



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Fri Jan 08, 2016 2:15 am
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Timmy, as you have requested, here I am to write this review for you. It's quite funny, because I get many people who comment that they want to do poetry reviews, but I'm not very good at those, they're simply not my specialty for some reason. But I will try the best that I can.

Anyways, let's get started, shall we?

This is intriguing , because I loved the main theme of imagery: beaches and driftwood. I absolutely adore visiting the beaches, because I think that it's just an extremely awesome place to reflect on your life.

But, I have got to agree with you, the basis of this idea is pretty much cliche, like you thought. I think that the reason why it's so cliche, is because so many heartbreak poems are written, and so many times there is romance mentioned, that I just feel like readers pass right over them, because of the romance part. You have to ask yourself the question: "How do I make my love/heartbreak poem stand out?How do I even make it different?"

I don't know why I don't of this actually, but I thought that a perspective change would be great. I wan't to hear what the reaction and experience from the girls side was, like how was she stepping through all of this. Maybe why it sounds so cliche right now, is that you make it all one-sided. Sure you do mention girl, but not enough to let us know how she is actually doing.

away in the tide with our dreams.
I said the first child would be a boy -- you said girl.


This struck me as very odd, not that you wanted to dream about children, but how fast the relationship has developed. Like I wasn't expecting it to be this serious right in the beginning of the poem,(I do admit that this is a good indication, but it's just so sudden) and that's probably because you didn't give a smooth transition from the dreams to babies xD I'm sure that this narrator must have had some more "dramatic" dreams than just having kids. O


only years away you said -- so soon, but so far.


This was just one of those phrases that struck me as boring. Like yeah, everyone knows about the passing of time already and how this applies to years and dates and time in everyone's individual life. I would probably actually just cut this out, because it doesn't seem necessary for the actual poem to be in to be perfectly honest.

White fences and front porch swings was your vision,


Isn't this so cookie-cutter though? I feel like this is what you see on every street, so I was very disappointed that she didn't have bigger dreams. Perhaps a beach-house would suit this setting a little bit more?

came in a heartbeat for us, long conversations


This feels very contradictory, because first you are telling us how quickly love came, "in a heartbeat" and then how long you have those conversation that make you fall into deeper love. You need to try and create a clear point.

stronger, enduring flame.


As a general rule, I don't like it when in poetry there are two adjectives used together, side by side with a comma. It makes the descriptions seem a little bit forced and over-done, like in this case. I would probably just get rid of stronger and stick with enduring because I think that's the stronger one.

the heart broken no longer
but whole.


I think that this is another one of those place where you need to break this up with a "--" because it's a two part kind of thought.

That ending, I feel like really ties it back together to the original image which where you started with, and although that image is apparent, I feel like I have seen too many pictures of hearts in the sand. I would make this heart different, so that it's less cliche. Thank god that you didn't make their initials in them.

What about if they drew a heart with an arrow piercing through it?

I feel like that's the best idea that I can give you, and it would probably represent the heartbreak a little bit more clearly.

Overall, seems like this isn't as awful as you thought, but I think that this does need a little bit of editing and polishing. It was a pleasure that you are my 55th Green Room Review, because I enjoyed reading through this. If you every have any questions, you know where to find me.

~P.S.

I have a couple suggestions for titles, what about: Broken Heartbeat or Engraved in the Sand?




TimmyJake says...


Thank you for the review! <3 I've read through this once already, but when I go to edit, I'll read it again and fix everything you mentioned. :)
I like your title suggestions, toooo. Thank you! <3



Pretzelstick says...


Aww, it was an honor and a pleasure. I guess I was just feeling and in the mood of titling people's work so I have it a shot. I actually had even more ideas for your title, but I chose the best two to share with you.



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Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:48 pm
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Cithara says...



Absolutely beautiful Tim, honestly far from cliche as cliches could be.
To be quite honest, the writing was so clear and explicit.
wonderfully done




TimmyJake says...


My first poetry in like six months! xd
Thank you <3



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Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:59 am
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BellaRoma says...



I've read this, but don't think I'm qualified to review it...
I don't think it's as cliché as you're making it out to be, though. I will say that.
Good on you for wri-ting (that's what happens when we're productive XD) :)




TimmyJake says...


Lol I know. Writing - finally. :)
Thank youu



BellaRoma says...


I could really use your feedback on my story. I feel like I got the pacing a bit wrong.



TimmyJake says...


I will :)



BellaRoma says...


Thank you!



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Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:22 am
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Abhipsa says...



It's simply beautiful! You cannot be just so heartless to call it awful..!




TimmyJake says...


aww, thank you <3



Abhipsa says...


A pleasure :)




Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier