Young Writers Society

Hello, dogsrule! Adrian here to deliver a review! Woah, another chapter. I am so happy! WE finally get to see more about Amber and her life at the boarding school! We get to take a peek at her life, and what is going on. It will be fun examining these characters! Onward with the review~

Wow, those kids seem mean. However, I do wonder how mean they are. Sure, they'll telling her that she doesn't belong-- but what else? Does the teasing ever get physical? Is Amer ever called names? Yes, she went to Miss Austin for help, but did she ever stand up for herself? Because one's way of reacting to such things like that is a great way to show one's personality! (Examples include: refusing to go to the head for a long period of time might show stubbornness. Trying to fix it on her own might show her trying out independence. Worrying that no one will believe her, that there will be no proof... might be a great show of anxiety or lack in self confidence. Little things like that give us some insight on the character.) So, adding some scenes like that before going to Miss. Austin might be a thing to consider.

"I don't care Amber, that's your own problem and if you feel the need you can go talk to the servant Andrea."

Oh man, she is unpleasant. Although, I do wish I knew how she said that. Did Miss. Austin say it dismissively, with a wave of her hand? Was she irritated, looking up from all her papers? There are several directions that phrase can go! Just something to think about.

One thing I don't understand is why that bullying scene is there. It doesn't really belong. It doesn't have an impact on the character that is shown, there's nothing about it to add to the overall story. It's literally just there. There are things you could do to that scene to make it really cool! However, it seems like it's there for the reader to pity the character, and nothing more.

"Hello?" Amber said nicely into the phone.

The kid just bawled. Unless that only lasted a short while, she's bound to be sniffling or something like that.

So, her cell-phone rang? Was it previously Mike's or are their numbers similar? Because I'm not sure how the hospital would be able to contact her by mistake, unless there was a misdial. Perhaps an explanation for that later? Because that is really interesting-- and if the story continues, maybe that can be something for the plot.

I actually had to talk with my mom about this one! (She works in the medical field.) There are now several things in a hospital setting that have to be pointed out if this story were to be realistic. For example: the way Pam greets Amber is has to be a little more professional than that. So instead of: "Hello. This is Nurse. Pam, from the hospital and I'm calling to talk to Mike." It would probably be like: "Hello, is this Mike [Mike's last name]? This is Pam, one of the nurses on the [ward here] at [hospital here.]" As soon as Nurse Pam hears that Amber is a minor, she would stop talking. (There's this rule with minors.) (Also, because of HIPAA, the nurse can only talk to certain people, and only give out certain information.)

"Mike's wife. Well. We figured out that Mike's wife Stacy is not dead. She's in a coma, and the doctors are doing everything they can. She's been in a coma for about thirteen years. She's alive because the machine broke and we didn't realize it, and the one of the other nurses peeked in and saw that she was breathing, but not a wake. And she said she was in a coma. I'm terribly sorry."

...they would have all lost their jobs if they realized she was in a coma and not dead. Like seriously, that's something you cannot afford to miss. If Stacy would have actually been pronounced dead, the hospital would have contacted the morgue. So, she would not have been hooked up to any machines or something like that.

Also, with her being in a coma for thirteen years, Stacy would not be here. All her long muscles would have curled up, and with no physical therapy while she was in the bed, it would be impossible for her to move or do things on her own. It would take a long while for her to be back on her feet, after thirteen years in a bed. (One thing, she wouldn't be in a hospital-- Stacy would be in an ECF, also called an Extended Care Facility. Hospitals are for fixing you up as soon as possible.) For her to be nourished (because after thirteen years with no food, she would be dead. The max time for no food is around 30-45 days) she would need to have a PEG tube, or a J tube.

There's a lot of things that need to be noted here, but that's all my mom could tell me. XD So, hopefully that helps.

Commentary in red.

Amber came down with packed bags as soon as she heard. She stared at the woman. Amber has never seen her mother. The woman "died" when she was a baby, so maybe something about, "she had only seen the woman in pictures." Or something like that. This is also a great place for description too! Perhaps describing Stacy's attire, the look in her eyes, the shocked look on her face...

"Amber." Stacy said Mike named Amber, so unless someone filled her in on that, Stacy would not know.

"Mom?" Amber dropped her bags and ran up and hugged her mom.

Nothing about the hug scene? Nothing around the relief, or emotions currently going on? We need that to see what is going on in the story, and the reader currently doesn't have that.

"Where's your dad? Mike?" Perhaps some weeping? Like, Stacy had never seen her baby up until then.

"War. he couldn't make it home."

"Well that sucks." That's literally her husband! There would be a stronger reaction than that! Like, he's at war. He could die. The strongest reaction she could muster up is: "Well that sucks."?

That's really what I have to say for this chapter! I hope that you will keep on writing, because you are improving!

~Adrian

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, if I mess up your storyline in any way. I'll do my best to keep it straightened out in my mind, as I go.

This is certainly a chapter that has some happenings! We see what kind of life Amber is living, we find out that Mike is still at war, and Stacy comes out of a 13 year coma? That is some major happenings for such a short chapter. I would highly suggest lengthening this out some more. Instead of just telling us that Amber gets bullied, give us some examples of that. How exactly is she bullied? Physically, or is she just being teased? If they are just telling her that she doesn't belong, then give us a scene where something like that takes place. In order for us to see what she is going through, you need to show us. A reader can't relate to the character if they don't have a clear picture in their head. So use examples, visual descriptions, and above all... make sure your character is well developed.

I guess what I'm really concerned about when it comes to this chapter, is the character Amber. I understand that she was sent to a boarding school by her father, and that she has been through some rough time in her school. But where is her personality from her experiences? Is she bitter? Perhaps she is bitter towards her father leaving her for so many years? Does she hate the people at the school, or is she just weary of them? What exactly is the school like? Besides the fact that she is being bullied, what is the school exactly like? Is it lax in its teachings, or disciplined? Show us these things! It's very important that we know each and every character in exact detail, and how their life works. If we don't know these things, then we can't relate to them. And if we can't relate to them, then we won't want to read about them. Get what I mean? Show us how their life works, and gives examples and details. Make sense? Let me know if you have any questions when it comes to this. ^^

"Oh. That's my dad, and he's at war right now, so I can't hand the phone to him, but I can leave a message in a letter if you want."

Bit of a run-on here. Try and split up the clauses here. This sentence could be easily rephrased to something like this-Oh, that's my dad. He's gone right now, but I can leave a message in a letter if you want. See what I mean? The same effect is given to the reader, but less words were being used and less clauses formed. You can see also, that I took out so I can't hand the phone to him. The reason for that is because it's rather obvious that she can't hand the phone to him. Seeing as he's gone, it would be a little difficult. xD When doing your edit, check for little things like that. Little things that, although small in number here, are extremely annoying to a reader. Make sense?

Also, this is slightly unrealistic sounding. Somebody wouldn't just say flat out that their dad's in a war. They would say something along the lines of, he isn't here right now, ect.., And then the Nurse might ask for details and when he'll be back and then Amber would tell her. But she wouldn't say that her father is in a war, just like that! Saying right out like that, makes your entire phrase seem flippant and meaningless. Try to avoid phrases such as those in the future.

"Mike's wife. Well. We figured out that Mike's wife Stacy is not dead. She's in a coma, and the doctors are doing everything they can. She's been in a coma for about thirteen years. She's alive because the machine broke and we didn't realize it, and the one of the other nurses peeked in and saw that she was breathing, but not a wake. And she said she was in a coma. I'm terribly sorry."

Sorry, for cutting so much out here.

What exactly is going on? She's been in a coma for thirteen years and Amber or Mike don't know? Why is that? Did the doctors just not tell them for some reason? Also, I don't understand what you mean by she's alive because the machine broke and we didn't realize it. Maybe I'm not familiar with the way coma's work, but this just doesn't make sense. What I don't understand is if the machine (that I assume is keeping her alive? Or something like that... I'm rather confused at the moment) breaks, then logically she would die, right? Okay, not logically, but that is what most people would think of, I believe. And if it doesn't make sense to me (who doesn't really know much about medical things) then it probably won't make sense to others who don't always know everything about medical. What I'm saying is that you want every single piece of information, technical and non-technical, come across to your readers in the most clear and precise manner that you possibly can.

"Thanks for much for calling. I really need to go. Thanks and I will be sure to tell Mike the message."

This is very not emotional. Where is the excitement in her voice? She just found out that her mother is alive and she sounds like a drone. It's an easy fix though, as you clearly have the tools to do this. What you need to do is examine your word choice, and add add to it. What you need are strong descriptions surrounding these words, and then make your wording stronger. Give us some description of her voice. Is it pitched high with excitement? Give us description of her hand shaking. Maybe the phone is shaking in her hands with joy, or just plain excitement? Tears in her eyes? Everything single thing about her needs to be vibrant with what she is feeling, and thinking. But we can't see that at all right now, because we don't have any description of her. Think about it. :c

She hung up the phone and quickly wrote to her dad and mailed the letter.

Hmm, I was thinking it would be reaaally cool to see a copy of this letter, or at least part of it. Eh? And maybe see the reply?

"Yes. I will get her up and make her pack her bags."

Wait, who is talking? Nowhere can I see a spot where it says who's talking. Don't let those little details slip. All you need is a dialogue tag with the name of the speaker in it, and the problem is fixed. xD

"Well that sucks."

WHUT? That's all she has to say? THAT SUCKS? Her husband is in a war, she hasn't seen him for thirteen years, and that is what she says. You need something a bit more heartrending than that. Like I was talking about before, you need more visual description. Maybe she can bend her head and stare at the floor, and Amber can see tears in her eyes. Maybe she just says nothing. But you cannot give the reader the impression that Stacy does not care for Mike. We know that she does from previous chapters; keep it that way in these chapters.

Okay, I think that's it for this chapter. Basically what you need to mainly focus on, is elaborating and explaining more. You have characters that are just waiting to explored by your readers. These characters are incredibly complex! In order for them to come to us as real people, then you have to treat them like real people. Real people express themselves; these characters aren't right now. Don't get me wrong. You have the necessary tools to do it, meaning you have the talent for it. You just need to figure out what you're going to have to do, to let that talent show. See what I mean? Just focus on aspect at a time, and you'll have it.

Keep writing!

~Cricket