z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Veil - Chapter 31

by megsug


Lekan held his breath, studying a Velodian text. He recognized some words, but it was mainly gibberish. Fear was a roiling mass in his stomach, but he ignored it, trying to repress it when he could. He hadn’t left his room all day even though his sleeping clothes were getting vaguely irritating as they only can when they’ve been worn for too many hours. He was too aware he hadn’t bathed. Too aware of the dampness hovering around any touching skin on his body. Too aware that his sheets were collecting his sweat and hair and skin which should be spread across wherever he could have been wondering today. Aware of the laziness that hung like a cloud over him.

If he didn’t face the world, maybe it would all go away.

Goddess, couldn’t it all go away?

He still turned pages as if he were reading, but now, he wasn’t even looking for words he thought he knew. He just stared at the pages and thought.

He had red wall paper, and it was starting to distract him. The brightness of it drew his eye until he was brushing a single finger along the textured wall.

Qui’in had told him nothing about meeting again. He assumed she would find him when she wanted him. Obi hadn’t bothered him in a while either.

Three times the maids walked in to make his bed, backing out as they murmured apologies. “Stay,” he wanted to say, “You’re a normal fixture of this house. You represent what’s not changing when I feel like everything is moving out from under me. Let’s talk about your mundane life.”

With his luck, he would get a maid who held a fascinating life. Not what he wanted, to say the least.

Flopping over in an attempt to get comfortable again with his book, his tangled sheets tangling more around him. The top of his four poster bed was draped in a canopy. Staring at it made him claustrophobic, as if it was pushing against his chest. He preferred having his nose shoved in a pillow.He had just quieted his mind in an attempt to focus on the Velodian script again when the door banged open.

Obi stood in the doorway, hands on hips, glaring at Lekan in a way the boy wished was unrecognized. “Why,” he asked, his voice a welcome disturbance despite how little Lekan liked the tone, “haven’t you gotten started on the day? You don’t have time to waste any longer.”

Briefly wondering how Obi had known he was in here and why it had taken so long for him to yell at him, Lekan shrugged. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Start with getting up.” The phrase sounded like it was supposed to be sarcastic, but from Obi’s mouth it was no laughing matter.

Lekan swung his feet out of bed, resting them on the plush carpet protecting them from the cold stone floor. He stood slowly like he was afraid of making sudden moves for fear of inciting the wrath of his uncle who was still glaring at him. They looked at each other in silence for a few heartbeats. The electric lights seemed to do strange things to Obi’s face. It looked almost like it had been pulled tight, and his eyes were pink and glassy as if he had just finished crying.

“I’m leaving for seven minutes on the dot. You will change into practical clothes, and we’re going to seize the day. You have so much left to do. We’ll get started as soon as you’re ready.”

Frowning, Lekan crossed his arms. “And if I don’t want to?”

Obi merely left, saying nothing at all in reply, leaving Lekan smiling wryly.

Lekan took his time getting dressed, making sure to milk the seven minutes for all they were worth. He wasn’t disappointed. Obi was fuming with impatience when Lekan finally opened his door, smiling easily into his uncle’s face.

He appreciated his uncle more than he had in the beginning. Obi had stuck around when a lesser man would have distanced himself from a nephew that found himself on the wrong side of the throne’s opinion. In his gruff, blunt way, Obi was helping, and that was more than most people would do. However, making Obi annoyed made Lekan feel like everything could possibly be normal. It wasn’t a good lie, and it didn’t truly fool Lekan, but he wanted it to. He wanted it to so badly.

“Having trouble deciding what to where?” Obi asked, words short and precise as if he was afraid of wasting any.

Lekan shrugged, letting Obi take what he would out of the gesture. “So what are we doing?” He was following Obi down the stairs, his steps light as Obi’s snapped against the floor.

Glancing at him, Obi opened the dining room door where Conya sat primly at an empty table. “We decided that we could work on your small talk. Sometimes it’s the best way to root out information.”


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Thu Apr 30, 2015 6:47 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Megsug!

I have two more reviews until I have met my self-imposed monthly quota. And as always when I am feeling a bit burnt out from reviewing I return to your novel which never fails to keep me interested and keep me focused on the story. It's always that interesting. What I liked about this chapter had to be the fact that we are finally getting to see the desperate side of Lekan. I feel like being depressed about the situation he has now found himself in was going to be inevitable and it is really creeping in right now. Which can only be expected! He is trying to make feeble attempts to break out of the rut, but I emphasise with him being there. I am also pleased to see that Conya is partnering up with Obi for this exercise he has planned. I think it shows his appreciation of her revealing how sharp and strong she really can be, and Obi using it to Lekan's advantage as well. I wonder if Lekan will be surprised by what his mother can do.

My only major critique of this novel will have to be something i have mentioned before. But once again when it came to this chapter I got the impression that things weren't flowing too smoothly. I found myself tripping over many words because there were so many small ones, and it shattered the reading experience a bit. Remember to try and keep the sentences simple in places and not too long all the time. If there is a way of rephrasing the sentence so there are fewer words in there and it seems to flow better when read aloud, than that is the one we need :)

He recognized some words, but it was mainly gibberish. Fear was a roiling mass in his stomach, but he ignored it,


For the beginning of a chapter this didn't impress me too much. I got the impression that he was doing something but this, and then something else but this. I know it is only mentioned twice, but it was enough for me to pick up on it. Then we have a bit of a break and it comes back in the next paragraph. So maybe try to eliminate some of the but's here so we don't fall into that repetition.

Goddess, couldn’t it all go away?


I am being a bit picky here. I know what you are trying to do - as in make it seem like Lekan is asking his gods why they aren't being merciful. But usually when we do this the words all have two things to it, like Dear Lord, or O God, so it just seems... to work. I think it might be a good idea to apply this here as well. O Goddess, Dear Goddess, Great Goddesses or something. Just two words because it just comes natural to us when we say it already.

Lekan swung his feet out of bed, resting them on the plush carpet protecting them from the cold stone floor.


'Them' and 'them' again with plenty of small words in between. Rephrase: Lekan swung his legs out of bed, resting his feet on the plush carpet in protection from the cold stone floor.

"Having trouble deciding what to where?"


Mix up here! I think you mean 'wear.'

would have distanced himself from a nephew that found himself on the wrong side of the throne’s opinion


As for the same problem I had with 'them' and 'them,' we have the same issue here with the words himself. Rephrased: would have distance himself with a nephew who constantly ended up on the wrong side of the throne's opinion.

I don't have much else to say. I could feel that this was the beginning to a chapter, and it was a good introduction. Not too much has happened yet, but I liked how deep we were able to get into Lekan's head and i can clearly feel the emotions that must be running through him right now alongside the thoughts. I am looking forward to reading more!

Deanie x




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Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:12 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello dear! I'm not sure if I've reviewed this before but the title seems familiar. Anyway, I'll be making a few specific comments as I read through and if you feel you've answered a question or covered what I feel is lacking in an earlier chapter, please feel free to pass over it.

1. The first sentence is a little awkward. It might work better as: 'Lekan held his breath as he studied the Velodian text' or 'Lekan's eyes scanned the words of the Velodian text and he forgot to breathe.' First sentences are really important and they shouldn't feel fragmented. Even first sentences of a chapter.

2.

Too aware of the dampness hovering around any touching skin on his body. Too aware that his sheets were collecting his sweat and hair and skin which should be spread across wherever he could have been wondering wandering today.


3.
He had red wall paper wallpaper, and it was starting to distract him.


4.
With his luck, he would get a maid who held a fascinating life. Not what he wanted, to say the least.
The comma here is awkward I found myself re-reading the sentence a few times before it actually sunk in.

5.
Flopping over in an attempt to get comfortable again with his book, his tangled sheets tangling more around him.
Another fragment here and it makes your tenses seem awkward but it's an easy fix - 'Flopping over in an attempt to get comfortable again with his book, his tangles sheets tangled more around him.'

6.
He preferred having his nose shoved in a pillow.He had just quieted his mind in an attempt to focus on the Velodian script again when the door banged open.
You're missing a space between these two sentences.

Overall

This heats up nicely toward the end of the chapter and that makes up for the rather slow start. I like the sense of lethargy we get from Lekan, but I wonder if that isn't fixed too quickly when Obi comes in. He's suddenly making decisions to go slowly, but isn't actually thinking slowly any more.

Also, eight minutes to get dressed? What happened to that wash he was desperate to have? I thought that was a really solid feeling and could definitely identify with it so I think he needs to feel more definitely that he has to wash before getting dressed and needs to argue for more time or move more quickly. Or just take forever having a shower. Just make him get washed, ya?

In general, this chapter's solid. Keep it up!

Heather xx




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Thu Apr 09, 2015 5:24 pm
Chanta1234 wrote a review...



This is very good it looks like you are a natural born writer but I think I should read the whole post instead of just reading this chapter.. Here were the problems would roiling be a rolling mass in his stomach or am I wrong about that please do correct me if I am.
When they say root out information what does he or she means by rooting out information. Could the last sentence possibly be joined together by a conjunction? Well thats all for now
~Chanta





As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin