Hi Megsug!
I have two more reviews until I have met my self-imposed monthly quota. And as always when I am feeling a bit burnt out from reviewing I return to your novel which never fails to keep me interested and keep me focused on the story. It's always that interesting. What I liked about this chapter had to be the fact that we are finally getting to see the desperate side of Lekan. I feel like being depressed about the situation he has now found himself in was going to be inevitable and it is really creeping in right now. Which can only be expected! He is trying to make feeble attempts to break out of the rut, but I emphasise with him being there. I am also pleased to see that Conya is partnering up with Obi for this exercise he has planned. I think it shows his appreciation of her revealing how sharp and strong she really can be, and Obi using it to Lekan's advantage as well. I wonder if Lekan will be surprised by what his mother can do.
My only major critique of this novel will have to be something i have mentioned before. But once again when it came to this chapter I got the impression that things weren't flowing too smoothly. I found myself tripping over many words because there were so many small ones, and it shattered the reading experience a bit. Remember to try and keep the sentences simple in places and not too long all the time. If there is a way of rephrasing the sentence so there are fewer words in there and it seems to flow better when read aloud, than that is the one we need
He recognized some words, but it was mainly gibberish. Fear was a roiling mass in his stomach, but he ignored it,
For the beginning of a chapter this didn't impress me too much. I got the impression that he was doing something but this, and then something else but this. I know it is only mentioned twice, but it was enough for me to pick up on it. Then we have a bit of a break and it comes back in the next paragraph. So maybe try to eliminate some of the but's here so we don't fall into that repetition.
Goddess, couldn’t it all go away?
I am being a bit picky here. I know what you are trying to do - as in make it seem like Lekan is asking his gods why they aren't being merciful. But usually when we do this the words all have two things to it, like Dear Lord, or O God, so it just seems... to work. I think it might be a good idea to apply this here as well. O Goddess, Dear Goddess, Great Goddesses or something. Just two words because it just comes natural to us when we say it already.
Lekan swung his feet out of bed, resting them on the plush carpet protecting them from the cold stone floor.
'Them' and 'them' again with plenty of small words in between. Rephrase: Lekan swung his legs out of bed, resting his feet on the plush carpet in protection from the cold stone floor.
"Having trouble deciding what to where?"
Mix up here! I think you mean 'wear.'
would have distanced himself from a nephew that found himself on the wrong side of the throne’s opinion
As for the same problem I had with 'them' and 'them,' we have the same issue here with the words himself. Rephrased: would have distance himself with a nephew who constantly ended up on the wrong side of the throne's opinion.
I don't have much else to say. I could feel that this was the beginning to a chapter, and it was a good introduction. Not too much has happened yet, but I liked how deep we were able to get into Lekan's head and i can clearly feel the emotions that must be running through him right now alongside the thoughts. I am looking forward to reading more!
Deanie x
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